My Writings

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Then and Now... Happy New Years =)

It is New Years Eve today/tonight. 
I've been thinking about the past years recently... Where I've been emotionally to where I am today emotionally. 
This is the most positive I've felt in a long long long time. Probably since 11th grade ten years ago. I use to take Ballet and Jazz... Dance was my escape from life, then my dance teacher decided she wanted to retire of owning her own business so she stopped teaching.  I ended up going to a new dance studio... it was not the same, I felt alone and lost. I lost the love for dance I once had. I didn't know how to escape from life anymore.  I left for Snow College in the fall of 2003... and I really enjoyed the college I had great teachers, my favorite class was French.  I detested my living arrangement, I had roommates and they all formed a click and didn't ask me to join them. I'm shy and it's always been hard for me to put myself out there... so I ended up locking myself in my room... and I found my escape in the online game world (Yahoo Dots) That was my life line. I'd eat one meal a day 5 days of the week and then regular meals on the weekends because I would come home.  Home with my family was the only time I felt love and acceptance.  I begged my parents to let me stay home after fall semester, but they were admit with me finishing the school year out.  I ended up flunking spring semester cuz I felt so depressed and hardly left my room.  I did have one roommate that honestly did seem to care... and I  am thankful for her kindness. 
In 2004 I made a "friend".  This friend didn't always respect me, but he was the first close friend of the opposite sex that i had. I don't know why I stayed "friends" with him. I think a lot of my major depression came as a result of this "friendship" I had with him. I'd feel manipulated in to doing things that I never dreamed of  doing.  He got me to drink my first alcoholic beverage, and I never wanted to drink until I became "friends" with him. Once I started drinking I realized that alcohol had a numbing affect, and I craved that numb feeling. I have a grandfather who is a recovered alcoholic and I've been aware if someone in your family has an addiction you're more likely to get the addiction too. So when I had a horrible hang over I told my mom and gave her the alcohol... I didn't want to go down that path.  
I still craved that numb feeling so I started taking benadryl. it was a legal drug so I didn't feel bad for taking it. All this time I was still "friends" with this so called "friend". in 2010 I asked my mom to talk to him mom... and he had told his mom that he hated me... so when my mom told me that... I felt so much pain I felt that I couldn't go on. I didn't want to die but i didn't want to feel this pain I was feeling so I took some benadryl (a lot) and then I toke some klonpin (OD) on them... I only told my parents what I did cuz a friend told me to tell them.  I ended up going to the ER and getting my stomach pumped... I went into the psych ward... It was a needed escape. an escape i needed to put things back into prescriptive. I struggled still with depression a lot but this year around Thanksgiving I came to realize this is the most hopeful I've felt in a long long time. I'm thankful that I can feel joy and have my family and friends who love me and stand by me. I'm thankful that I can express how much i care for my family and friends. 
I've been out of a job since June of 2009 and I'm feeling like I can hold down a job now. I feel like I can take on school. I'm also feeling like I can work on overcoming my shyness. I'm excited for this new year. I'm sad that I'm truing 27 and am just getting my life together but I'm so happy at the same time that I feel well enough to get my life together. Happy New years everyone. Hope it's a great one.

Friday, December 9, 2011

My little Buddy is one of the best kids I know.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" little Joe asked as I was looking for a jacket to wear.
"No," I replied, "would a guy like me?"
"Yeah," he said enthusiastically, "Boys like girls."

=)

So I went in my room the other day and got dressed and came walking out of my room and little joe sees me and say "WOW, YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD!!!"
My goodness this kid is so sweet. I love how he makes me feel better about myself.  He's only 4 years old too. Just love this kid.


_____________________REPLIES__________________

BrazilianSpice -  Thank you for the advice on my last post. Going for a run would be a good idea. thank you.
and thank you for reminding me that God loves me and is here for me. =) you're a sweetie.

Thin or not - Thanks for sharing that quote with me... "when it's hardest to pray, pray the hardest" I like that. Thank you.  

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Maybe It's True... and my food history.

Maybe I do use food to hid from guys. My counselor has asked me if I eat to make myself "undesirable" to men cuz of what happened to me with C. No I'm not doing that cuz I do want a guy to like me. I want to be desirable.  Well when I found out that some guy I use to work with liked me... I freaked out inside. My first thoughts are...  what are his intentions? Does he really like me for me? or will he manipulate me pressure me to do things I absloutly don't want to do? That's what C did to me, so I now don't trust guys when they tell me that they like me. I want to run and hide, and BINGE. and that's something I can not do, if I want to find inner peace. Binging causes me more emotional pain then I need. It causes me to self loath myself. 
I was asked to do a food history of my life.  I don't think I ever had a 100% healthy relationship with food. I loved food, and I enjoyed food. I always remember going to my grandparents house for birthday and getting the icing on the cake and eating others icing someone didn't want.  I loved it. SO YUMMY!!! But I didn't turn to food for comfort... that's what my dancing was for.  When my parents got separated when I was in High School I would go to dance... and dance, dance, and dance. Then I'd get in the car and cry cuz I would have to go home, where my home was not a home cuz my family was not together.  Dance is what helped me cope through that time.  Once I had to quit dance and move on to college and then looking for jobs I couldn't use dance and my escape and Food become my comfort.  I remember my first year of college I lived in off campus housing... I would only eat one meal a day.  nothing else.  Then as my depression grew... and a friend influenced me badly and manipulated me and pressured me, I turned to food even more... sometimes I'd turn away from food.  I'd have "control" for 10 days here 3 days there then binge binge binge binge and binge. I also turned to cutting, and banging my head against walls and shelves (inflicting pain on myself in one way or another) I would purge my food up every so often. I also turned to alcohol.  I would drink alone in my room just to numb myself.  I finally told my mom when I was experiencing a horrible hangover, and handed over my stash of alcohol. I didn't want to become an alcoholic, and I still don't ever wanna be an alcoholic.  I did like the numb feeling it did bring. so I started using Benadryl... it numbs you. I've came to realize you get more of the numbing affect if you starve/deprive yourself from food.  But I don't want to become a pill popper so my first choice is food to help me when I don't know how to cope, then pills, then self harm (hitting myself, cutting, pulling my hair, pinching myself)
That's all I'm gonna say for now. 
Brit

Monday, October 3, 2011

Why is it so difficult (spiritual)

I am not sure why it's so difficult for me to kneel down and pray. Am I scared? If I'm scared, what am I scared of?  Scared that Heavenly Father will roll his eyes and mumble under his breath stop being so dramatic? (my dad has said that to me when I was crying and struggling) Scared that I won't be heard? (a lot in life I will say something and I feel no one will acknowledged what I have said... and being shy doesn't help cuz then it makes it harder to talk when I'm not acknowledged) Because I feel unworthy to pray/ that I have sinned too much to even have my prayers answered? 
I don't like feeling like I need to pray when I'm so scared to do so. I want to understand why it's so difficult for me to pray. I know that Heavenly Father is real, and that Jesus Christ came to earth and suffered and died for us, and I know the holy ghost is real, I've felt the holy ghost. So why is it so difficult to pray?  Don't get me wrong I do say little prayers in my heart for family and friends who may be struggling, I ask that they be comforted and know that they are cared for, but I feel I need to get down and pray, thank the Lord for all my blessing that I have, for my family and friends, to seek help and guidance in my everyday life, and to talk to my Father in Heaven like I do a friend and trust that he is there listening to what I have to say.  
I am going to take this a baby step at a time, I need to get over this and just kneel down and pray... so if baby steps is what it takes to get me there than that's what I'll do. 
Britni

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I'm getting PUSHED onto The Back Burner...

I honestly feel like I'm being pushed onto the back burner.  Like I don't matter.  I'm struggling and I feel I'm unable to get the help I need. I'm not sure how to even express what I'm feeling. Voc Rehab has said if I need help to pay for sessions so I can see my counselor... I've tried getting a hold of them and I'm not hearing a thing.  Why can't they let me know what's going on?  They've set me up with an employment specialist (the employment specialist works for Valley Services, a place that's helping me find a job) and she tells me that my Voc Rehab counselor told her that they can't help pay for counseling... Why can't my Voc Rehab counselor call me and tell me that herself? 
I know the economy is crap right now and it's hell to find a job... I'm looking for night/graves, you'd think I'd be able to find something out there, most people want day shifts.  I've not heard a single thing back, I've been calling the places after I applied... yet I have heard nothing. Not hearing anything back... it's killing me inside.
I'm stressing out what to do about meds... I am not sleeping well... I just don't know if I can do this much longer.  I want to give up... it's too much. 

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I dunno what to tittle this....

I am just sitting here with my "puppy" (I don't think she's considered a puppy anymore but I guess how like our parents will call us their babies even when we're 18 or whatever age, that's how I view my dog.  She'll always be my little puppy.) and I'm feeling this surge of anxiety.  Oh yippy =) 
I'm looking for a job, I'm wanting to work graveyard, cuz I'd feel most comfortable doing graveyard work schedule.  I can't think of any excuses to not work a job all night, but during day time hours I can come up with excuse after excuse after excuse.  
My sister A and I fight a lot... (my sister M is the sister I put photos up in the last blog) we are too much alike in some areas and it causes us to bicker a lot.  She is holding things against me things I did when I was younger and didn't fully know better.  My grandma said to me that I just need to grow up, or one day A and I will tear the family apart.  It hurts, cuz I feel like I'm the one to blame.  When i fight with my sister (verbally fight, I don't do physical fighting) it's cuz I want to prove I'm right... and she has to prove she's right.  So I guess you could say we're both too prideful to walk away peacefully.  But it is not all my fault that we fight.   So Sunday we are not fully getting along but not yelling either... she's treating me like I'm in her way... like she owns the place and I should know better and stay away.  so I ended up leaving the house and went to my grandma's just so I didn't have to deal with her, and two we wouldn't fuel each other into a fight.  Well when I got home I see my shoes where they weren't before... My sister had the nerve to taking my shoes without my permission after she treated me like I was in her way.  UGH it ticks me off that she thinks she has the right to do that... if she would have asked I would have most likely let her even if I didn't want her to. 
...I dunno... I'm depressed.... I'm tired... I'm irritable... 
I've been feeling conflicted lately, cuz I need to please other people... My dad is telling me to not give in to pleasing other people and set aside time for myself. Something i need to do if I'm going to conquer my binging habits.  It's miserable living with binging but I don't have the tools to change it on my own. So I gotta stop pleasing other people and go to this group I said I'd go to.  

REPLIES
ZERO - I also tell myself if so and so can do this/that then I can too. I think it can help us to achieve goals when we try to do as well as someone else or better, cuz it gives you something to work towards.

CAliChica - Have faith in yourself, and imagine yourself doing the jump... I hear that's one way to help you achieve a goal like a jump like my sister can do.... and be open to advice from other people and put what they say into action and you'll have that jump down. I took dance class at high school and I also took dance outside of high school... I miss it. But I'm glad you're able to dance, even if it's just a class you're taking in high school. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Why do things come easier to one person but harder for another person.

My sister in the halls of her high school... Look at that jump.




My sister on the hood of her car...

My sister... Her drill Photo... Love that jump.  amazing.

My sister doing the jump like 10 feet off the ground... (actually I dunno but that's high.
My sister... I'm jealous of her... she's such a good dancer... I took dance all my life and have never been as good as she is... she has only dance for 4 years... this is her 5th year... NOT FAIR!!!!!

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REPLIES...

Silly Girl - You must live in a small town... That sucks that it doesn't show more shows. Hope you're able to see it soon and hope  you enjoy it.

Americaneagle - I hope you enjoy the movie when you can see it.  and you're welcome.

Friday, August 12, 2011

The Help


I just saw the movie last night... I've not read the book yet, although after seeing the movie I really want to read the book... unfortunately my mom lent her book out yesterday so I'll have to wait to read it.  In the movie there was a quote I really really like.... "YOU IS KIND, YOU IS SMART, YOU IS IMPORTANT" I think we all tend to forget this from our negative self talk to ourselves... so i wrote this down and I'm going to post it where I can see it every morning I wake up and every night before I go to bed. 

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REPLIES

@ Annie - I didn't do too well this week with my gym attendance.  I was so drained on Tuesday that I ended up going to bed at 7:30.Wednesday was a pool party for my sisters drill(dance) team. and Yesterday/Thursday I went and saw The Help... today/Friday isn't quite over yet so I should be able to make it to the gym today.  It's hard for me to use a treadmill, I'm not use to them cuz I usually well always use the elliptical, I'm working on changing that. 

@ Clear Girl - Thank you for the advice... Yesterday/Thursday I ended up sending them downstairs telling them it's quiet time for at least a half hour... it worked... I was shocked at how well it worked.  
After I read your comment on the font... I did change it... I hope this font is better... let me know if it's still hard to read.     

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I am so drained

I have no energy today.  I didn't sleep well last night either.  I don't know what's wrong with me... I love the kids I babysit, I just feel so overwhelmed with them lately, they don't sleep in. they're so loud and hyper.  I guess your typical kid... But lately I am just so drained and overwhelmed that one little thing they do that I don't like  I'm sending them to their rooms.  I hate it, I gotta let them be kids and not get mad at them cuz I'm so dang tired. 
I am going to talk to my parents and I hope we can figure something out. When I was younger I didn't know how to discipline kids (my siblings) so I would spank them or I'd put them in the shower with their cloths on... I wasn't nice at all. and I'm scared if I get too tired I might lash out and spank them or give them an unreasonable consequence for something they did wrong. I think I might need some me time... but I won't earn any money if i take some me time.  So i feel trapped.  So goal is to get my parents together and sit down and explain to them how I'm feeling and see if we can all come up with a reasonable thing to do to solve this issue I'm dealing with. 
I found my day planner.
I went to the gym yesterday spent 3 hours there. It was so hard to walk the 3 miles or do the 5k  but I rode the 6 miles on the bike in a breeze... and swimming was eh.... I used the kick board I need to practice swimming without the kick board.   So I want to go to the gym every day this week except Sunday and do the "beach bum triathlon" my neighbor wants me to do yoga with her tonight.  so uhg I feel so overwhelmed.  Am I taking on too much?  I don't do squat compared to other people because I don't handle stress well, and i break down and i end up getting physically sick. I think I might be getting sick. 
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REPLIES


 @ Jen - Thank you so much, I'll check the book out... see if they have it at the library.  
I just tried the beach bum tri at the gym and it kicked my butt... that requires stamina. 
I'd love to talk more with you also.  If you want you can email me @ bbrit0101@gmail.com

@ Thin or Not - I don't think I'm as busy as it sounded.  I have friends and family that do way more than I do.  If i take on too much I break down.  I wish I could take on more and not let it affect me in a negative way... that's something I'll have to learn to do little by little.  

Hope all is well.

Friday, August 5, 2011

I need to be more organized

I have a day planner, but I've miss placed it.  haha that's not doing much good.
I feel I need to plan my days better... babysit from this time-that time then counseling on this day from this time-that time then job searching from this time-that time then workout from this time-I'm done with the workout. Then any other activities from this time-that time. Oh and Cleaning/Laundry from this time-until I'm finished, it's so bad right now, I have no clean clothes so I'm wearing a dress today... everyone is asking me why I'm dressed... um no clean clothes. 
I've been having a miserable week. crying over pointless things, and having a lot of anxiety, more than usual... way more than usual. Thank goodness for Clanzepam works wonders. 
I forgot to go to OA last night.  that partly why I need a day planner so I remember what I have planned.
So I have a goal to do a "Beach Bum Triathlon"  it's jog a 5K ride bike 6miles then swim 33 laps... then I'll work up to a "Sprint".  I need to loose this weight so I can fit in my clothing.
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Triathlons Distances
Beach Bum
Swim – 500m (.5K) = 547 yards = 22 lengths = 11 laps
Bike - 9.6K = 6 Miles
Run – 5k = 3.1Miles

SPRINTS
Swim – 750m (.75K) = 820.5 yards = 33 lengths = 17 laps
Bike – 20km = 12.4 Miles
Run – 5K = 3.1 Miles

Intermediate (or Standard) distance, commonly referred to as "Olympic Distance"
Swim – 1.5k = 1641 yards = 66 lengths = 33 laps
Bike = 40 km = 24.8 Miles
Run – 10K = 6.2 Miles

Long Course aka Half Ironman
Swim – 1.9K = 2078.6 yards = 84 lengths = 42 laps
Bike – 90K =55.8 Miles
Run – 21.1 K = 13 Miles

Ultra Distance is the Ironman Triathlon
Swim - 3.8 km = 4157.2 yards = 166 lengths = 83 laps
Bike – 180 K = 111.6 Miles
Run – 42.2K = 26 Miles
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REPLIES
 
dayofmine said...
Is there a way that you could bring someone along to the OA meeting? Do they allow that? I avoid religious-based support groups exactly for that reason. I find they they focus on things that really don't have anything to do with my problem(s). Let us know how it goes! - I talked to my dad the next day and he confirmed that since it said it's an "OPEN" that anyone can go that they don't need to call in ahead. So I'm gonna try to find a friend to come with me on Thursday.  I'll report back on how I handled it.  
♥ Britni Marie

Thursday, July 28, 2011

A&E HEAVY & how I'm realating

I'm starting to realize I binge on food when I don't know how to cope with a feeling/mood.  I've been eating 4 double cheese burgers in ten minutes(makes me sad just to admit this), and I still want more even if I'm not hungry. I could be stuffed to the point I can't move and I'll still be shoving food down my throat. It's miserable. I'm inching close to 300lbs (not yet but getting close) that scares me to death.  I want to break down and cry.  I can feel the weight gain... I can feel it in my back and hips and joints.  This is not living, this is called HELL.  
I've gone to an OA meeting the church I attend sponsors and I felt that they taught gospel principals instead of dealing with the issue at hand. So I now have the number for OA (non religion facilitated) I'm scared... not cuz I don't want change (cuz I do want to change and I do want help) it's just I'd go alone and I don't like to face things alone... it's scary. But I'm going to face my fear and go.  Is OA a walk-in or do you need to call and reserve a place in the class?  I was trying to figure that out so I could attend a class tonight but couldn't find the info, so I gotta look more into it tomorrow, and I will.  I've started watching this show on Netflix the show originally aired on A&E it's called HEAVY... I watch it and I cry cuz I see me in them.  It hurts.
Lately I feel so out of control with food that I want to cut.  I feel so mad at myself and rage. and I want to break things... like I've been wanting to slam my fist through the T.V. just because the channel is going in and out. I'm thinking there's gotta be something else bothering me deep down cuz that shouldn't get me so pissed off. I find my self wanting to cuss and scream and cry when I text and the word doesn't come up correctly.  What is up with all this rage/anger?  
I went to the H♥PE Clinic (it's a free clinic for those who don't have insurance and low/no income) for my cramps. The OBGYN and I agreed to get me started on the Depovera shot. I've been on it before so I know what it'll do.  
I need to call my physcitrist and set up an appt. to talk about getting my meds increased and I'm on my last refile and if that doesn't help me feel more stable I need to get my harmones checked. 
I hope I start to feel better soon.
On the bright side I started working out again.  Swimming. I've been enjoying it... I wish the happiness from the workout lasted longer than it did. 

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REPLIES 

Midnitefyrfly said...
It is so hard when things on the inside are not right and only you see/feel them. If you had a physical diagnosis, then it would be so much easier for people to accept. Mental diagnosis are not as widely accepted or understood and neither is pain. I am sorry that your Dad isn't very understanding. I hope you find support from someone. Just know you are not alone :)  Thank you for your understanding and support :) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ S. said... Your parents doesn't always knows what's best for you. They really don't. Listen to yourself. Love Listen to myself?  I have a hard time doing that. Thanx for the advice and I'll work on it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jenn said...
Sorry things are stressful. Parental pressure is always a tough one. It was for me big time growing up - and still is. But thankfully, since I live on my own now, I have been able to learn to set boundaries with them and it has helped a great deal in our relationship and we are slowly mending the past. Anyways... You know what's in your heart, what you can and can't do right now, and you just need to find that inner voice and try to listen and follow it. I KNOW it's hard to find that voice when there is so much static in your head -trust me - but it IS there. Try not to get too discouraged and keep working with that voc rehab and they will help you find something that will fit "you" and that will be good. sending prayers and strength your way ;)
 
  Thank you Jenn, reading your comment gave me hope. I'll do what I can to tune into the voice and push the static out of my head.  I hope you're doing ok. 

Thank you all for your loving words and support it means a lot to me. 

 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Too much pressure...

  feel my dad is too critical. it's so aggravating. he tells me I need to get a job. I don't tell him things like I've not been feeling stable so i don't feel I could hold down a job. and that when that time of month comes I get sever cramps get physically sick and I believe that with those two things I wouldn't be able to give 100% at any job. So I want to be stable and I want a solution for my cramps so when i do get a job I can give 100%. he tells me well I don't believe in pharmaceuticals you just need to be raw vegan and juice everything and that'll solve all your problems. (dad you're 230lbs what makes you think you know that is the answer... once you're healthy physically and emotionally and you're raw vegan and juice everything then I'll be more than happy to believe that the type of food has everything to do with how you feel) I hate it. my dad asked me where I'd be in a year from now... I told him dead (I said that without even thinking) I hate this I hate feeling so damn miserable. I'm so tired lately. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm working with Voc Rehab (a place that is helping look for a job and helping with making sure I'm stable enough to hold down a job) and my dad is telling to just go on ahead without voc rehab. I have a "plan" with voc rehab and I need to get a job to what's written in my "plan" yet my dad doesn't want to hear that... I have to get a job doing something even if its not in my plan. GOSH I'm so frustrated.
Last year I got tested for Aspergers  and it came back negative but the thing the people said to my parents was for them to not pressure me to get a job that it would be my counselors job to do that.


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REPLIES


CAliChica - Thank you.  I started working out again and I've notice I do feel a bit better after the workout. 

Kat not Jas -Thanx. I do need to focus on things I do like about myself. I've been so focused on the stuff I don't like about me lately that I've forgotten to look for the positive. Thank you. 

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Feeling comfortable in your own skin...

Lately I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like people look at me and are judging me or talking about me behind my back. what is she wearing, those clothes don't fit her. she needs to lose weight. she wouldn't sweat so bad if she lost weight. she's too big to wear that size of jeans. I'm self conscious as it is and these thoughts are making it worse.
My sister told me that she purges sometimes. 
I was hysterical the other night crying to my dad. I'm so upset with my body and how it looks. I feel lost and I feel as though I don't know what to do. I told my dad I wanted to look like my friend Taresa, or my sister Maddi, or my friend Gillian (they are all tall and thin and beautiful). I don't want to look like my sister Ali cuz she's too curvy. (she's thin and beautiful but she has curves and I don't want curves). 
My dad tells me I need to accept my body the way it is, but to me accepting it means I can't do anything about it and I'd be miserable the rest of my life and I don't want to be miserable. I don't know... I want to be thin. I'm scared to say I'll do something cuz I'm too afraid that I'll fail and not accomplish that goal. 
I accept my feelings and me for who i am but when it comes to accepting my body for what it is... I run the opposite direction in tears. 
So my question is... 
How do I become comfortable in my own skin, how do I learn to accept me for me and my body?
ARGH
This might make me sound really shallow, but when I'm around others that look heaver than i do i still feel my fat rolls and I feel worse about me, cuz I don't want to end up being their weight or size. I need help

Friday, June 3, 2011

Been going through a rough patch emotionally.

Body image is playing a role in how I feel. My clothes don't fit, and the ones that do fit are few, so I have to wash my clothes like a lot more than I use to when I had more clothes that fit.  I hate sitting down cuz I feel my fat more, I'm out of breath just doing simple things, and I hate mirrors.  I was going to do the master cleanse this month, but I'd break the fast on the 16th and possibly the weekend of Taylorsville Dayzz (24-27) cuz we'll prob go to BBQ and there will be fireworks and fun get together with food. *rolls eyes*  But I'm going to look into SGD or something I can still eat without drawing attention that I'm not eating as much as I should.  I also need to find a workout I can do that won't rub my skin raw and that I'll still be able to move the next day/2days or learn not to push myself so freggin hard.
I'm feeling stress with looking for a job, I need a job cuz I need insurance and I need a steady income so I can eventually move out on my own, or to go back to school, and to pay for my medical things like counseling/meds/doctor visit.  Yet I feel so down that if I were to get a job I don't think I'd be able to keep it for long.  I've been having thoughts of hurting myself, and sometimes the thought of ODing pops into my head because I feel so (I don't know... I'm confused... I can't get these thoughts figured out) but I already am in debt from the last time I OD'd, that if I were to do so again I'd want to go through with it 100%, but I don't want to die, I just want this pain to end. I don't feel I make sense cuz I don't even make sense in my head of mine.
I notice that when I watch a show and something horrible happens like a death of a husband or one of their kids, or rape or just something terrible I find myself thinking gosh why do they fight to be happy it'd be so dang hard if I were them I'd just give up on life.  WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME  it's not RIGHT to think that way.
One good thing that's going on is the kids I babysit, they make me smile.  one of the kids didn't listen to me today so I had to send her to her room... she's yellin for me "BRITNI, I LOVE YOU."  "BRITNI, COME HERE, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A HUG AND A KISS."  it's so hard to stick to your punishment for the child when they are so loving  to you. I know for a fact that if it weren't for these kids I wouldn't be near as strong as I am.  These kids have a strong positive influence on me.


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REPLIES
           -    Thin or Not said...
That youtube video is awesome!  I agree, I thought it was amazing... I wish I had that talent.  It makes me want to start dancing again.   
- Gianni said...
I read your last post about wanting to cut off your fat... I've dreamt that dream too many times to count. I would go through the pain of surgery without anesthesia if I could be thin... *sigh* As for your video, she was a good dancer... but that song was just a tad on the depressing side. Not exactly something I want to hear when I'm trying not to eat. lol  I agree the song is a bit on the depressing side... the first time watching that dance I was thinking that would be a difficult song to make a dance to. 

Monday, May 30, 2011

WAY GOOD DANCE I FOUND TO THE SONG SOPHIE

Found this on youtube... really liked this dance... song is good too...
My sister watched this dance with me and said... "She's kinda of too good... shoot" Love my sister

Monday, May 23, 2011

Fighting this thought of grabbing a knife and stabbing myself

I'm not sleeping well at night I'm lucky if I get to sleep at 2am... I'm usually not falling asleep until 3 or 4 am, so when I have the chance to sleep in I want to take it.  Today my dad came in my room at 7:30am to wake me up cuz he wants me to work work work work cuz that's all he does. If my parents want me to help out around the house look for a job and whatever else I will (I am) but don't wake me up when I just feel asleep two hours ago. I tell my parents that I don't get to sleep till 3/4 am and yet they don't give a care if they're up I should be up. 

I feel like the dog is the only one who loves me in my house.  My dad told my mom that he's gonna start charging my brother and I rent.  How the hell am i suppose to pay rent if I don't have a job.  He wants me to pay for my medication, my phone bill, now rent. Might as well go get the knife and take my life cuz I won't be able to afford my meds, and I'm already struggling as it is so if I'm off meds completely then what? I fall down deeper into this depression.  I feel like my dad is digging this hole deeper that I'm already in.  I try talking to him about how I feel and his reply is well if you hated it so much you'd have changed it by now.  If I weren't majorly depressive disorder or had sever social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety disorder I'd be able to get me out of this on my own.  I don't know how to get me out of this flunk I'm in. Yet I try explaining that to him and he's like stop complaining. I'm so damn frustrated.  

I've been fighting this thought of grabbing a knife and stabbing myself in my stomach and cutting off all my fat... I want to do that so badly, but what will that do for me?  Maybe it'll end my misery and I could find peace and forget about every thing that's temporal (Of or relating to the material world; worldly) I could see my sister Maryanne and I could meet Jesus and my heavenly father, and be free from the pain I feel here on earth.  
I don't know how much longer I can fight this depression if no one in my family understands... I know they love me but when they don't understand it makes every day a living hell cuz they're all why don't you just snap out of it. or they're frustrated cuz they can't fix me and they end up yelling at me. I feel like a burden to my family. And I don't like that feeling. 

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REPLIES  ♥
Clear Girl:  Thank you, that's good advice.  The frozen grapes sound good.  ♥ 

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I dunno what to title this...

Feeling down...
What has happened to cause me to feel so down?
I've got a family that loves and supports me.
I have friends that love and support me.
I get hugs from children almost daily cuz they love me so much.
Yet I feel I have nothing left to live for. I feel so much pain.  I despise the way I look.
I feel out of control.  I feel I have no hope.  
But why do I feel I have no hope?
I see friends getting married and having babies... I am alone in that part of my life... I think I'm scared that I'll never get that chance to have my own family. 
My bed is breaking cuz I'm morbidly obese,  I want to hide my body... I want to stop eating... yet I can't it's like an addiction to food... If I don't have the food I want when I want it... run and hide cuz if I can't get it I'll take it out on you.   I don't want to be like that.   I want to feel satisfied with the food I eat and not overeat... I want to eat less... and go on a fast and not feel deprived. 
I have so much more on my mind that I can't even describe.... 

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Doing it over again expeting defferent results...

Why? 
Why do we do the same things over again expecting a different result?
Example: Why do I binge, then expect to feel better after, when I actually feel worse than I did before I binge?
Or
Why does someone go out and get drunk when the hang over is hell?
You'd think we would learn from our experiences yet, we do them over and over again expecting different results or hoping for a different ending.

I don't understand this. I binge and I feel so miserable after I do so.
Like last night, I binged to the point everything came back up, and I didn't force myself to purge, it made me sick... (I don't purge much maybe about 8 times a year) 

Last night experience made me realize, I need to change, I don't want to live like this, being miserable then binging for "comfort" and then feeling even more miserable after.
I want my clothes to fit me. My binging has been so out of control that hardly any of my clothes fit me anymore.  I want to hide. I feel so gross, I'm ashamed of how I look, I feel more depressed too.
I googled how to stop binge eating and found this website and I printed the stuff off... and I'm hoping this will help me with my binging, and next week when I see my counselor I'm going to talk to her about it and hope she'll be able to help me. 

Emotional Eating and Binge Eating: A Personal Insight
From my own personal journey since I was a young girl struggling with binge eating and being overweight, and as a professional working for the last 21 years with binge eating and compulsive eating men and women who struggle to lose weight, stopping binge eating has taught me over and over again that it is their emotional issues, their emotional hungers that they keep stuffed inside of their bodies by eating that keep them living in the binge eating world.  It is their emotional hungers that keep them from incorporating and practicing normal healthy eating habits that would allow them to feel physically healthier, psychologically happier, have more energy, lose weight and be able to move more freely in the world.  Emotional eaters who suffer from binge eating spend most of their adult life trying to stop their binge eating by going on one diet after another rather than addressing the binge eating disorder directly so they can live a happy and normal life.  What I teach my clients at SolutionsWeigh Program for Binge Eating Disorders is to do exactly that.  Stop binge eating!
Binge Eating Ideas That Work:
Give a voice to your feelings.  The more you give a voice to your feelings the less you will attempt to swallow your feelings by binge eating. 
Do you know how to perform self-soothing?  Most people with binge eating disorders don’t.  They didn’t learn how to self-sooth as young children for various reasons.  Instead, they have learned to use binge eating of food as a way to self-soothe.  But, it doesn’t work.

Binge eating disorder and emotional eating is not about being out of control with food.  It’s about needing to control uncomfortable emotions that you want to avoid.  If you change your focus and learn the skills to give voice to your emotions and your feelings, rather than try to control your food, you will be amazed at how much easier it is to set limits with food.
Do you always feel hungry?  Put down the food. Your inner child is starving!!!!!
Take a moment to listen to yourself.  That’s not hunger you are experiencing, its your inner child who wants you to listen to her.  You are not paying attention to her. She doesn’t want you to shove food down her throat.  What she wants and needs is for you to binge on words.   
Breathtaking, juicy, big fat dripping, wonderful, salivating, well done, binge words to feed your inner child of love.  Binge on words that will fill up that empty pit of hunger in her stomach with warm fuzzy feelings that you have been searching for your entire life.  Binge eating people so often spend most of their lives hating the way their bodies look and refusing to be kind to themselves because of the hatred they have for their bodies.  That self-loathing is not just about your body, its also a statement about yourself. 
If you had a small child standing in front of you looking up at you with an innocent face, would you tell her how much you hate her because she is fat?  Never, so why is it OK to tell yourself that?  It's not.  So think of your inner child (give her an age) standing in front of you, starving for your (parents) attention.  You can ignore her, verbally abuse her, or soothe her.  Think about what your parents did to you.  Today, you have a choice, don’t continue to verbally abuse yourself with harsh words and criticisms that only make you the cycle of self-hatred continue. 
You can heal those wounds, Think of it this way:  Adopt your inner child, she’s STARVING, she’s been neglected, criticized and emotionally abandoned.  If you saw a five year old on the street, your heart would go out to her, well that’s what your inner child feels, too.  It's not hunger pains you feel, it’s the child who never heard those words of love from the parents who raised you.
At a recent retreat I gave, when the women talked about how much they hated themselves and what they looked like, and told me that they refused to be kind and say nice things to themselves until they lost weight, I gave them this picture of their inner child.  I told them to sit quietly and think of themselves at that young age, and think of who said those mean and cruel words to them and how it felt.  Look at this innocent child who did nothing wrong.  The tears came pouring down their faces as they realized that little girl was still inside of them, and how hurtful those words still feel today.  If you want to stop binge eating food, start bingeing on words.  Words of love and praise go a long way in helping build self-esteem.  Even if you think yours is broken, it can be repaired. Not by continuing the hatred, but by nurturing the wounds.  Binge on your kind words, they are non caloric and they don’t cost anything!
Make a copy of this picture, and start feeding yourself with the following words:
You are special
I will always love you
I will protect you
You are wonderful
I love you because you are my child
You are the best
You are soooooo beautiful

Are you an all or nothing person?  Are you either on a diet or off a diet?  Are you either binge eating or not binge eating?

Make your binge eating failures into motivation. Successful people are motivated.  They have plans that are manageable, which include failing, which is a pre-requisite to learning to change.

Search for the 'secret' ingredient in your favorite food.  Do you have special foods you eat when you are binge eating?  Make a list of these foods.
               a. What foods do you want when you think of the following feelings
Angry__________________________________
Sad____________________________________
Lonely__________________________________
Frustrated_______________________________
Depressed_______________________________
Guilty___________________________________
Disappointed______________________________
Happy___________________________________
Anxious__________________________________
Powerless________________________________
 b.   Next, think back to when you were young and try and connect each food with a family occasion or particular memory you have about your family or family members.
For example, Jane always wanted chocolate jelly rings when she was upset.  They had to be a special brand that she could only buy at two specialty stores.  So she would stock up on them for those ‘just in case times’.  When she thought about the jelly rings, she had a memory of her grandmother sitting on the couch calling her to sit next to her, feeding her the jelly rings, and stroking her hair.  It was always a special time for Jane, because her mother was always too busy to sit with her.  So the emotional reason why Jane needed to have jelly rings not because the jelly rings were so special, but because she connected it to the closeness and soothing she felt from her grandmother every time she sat next to her and ate the jelly ring while she stroked her hair.
Today, after doing the above exercise, Jane has learned to stroke her own hair, think of her grandmother and can get in touch with those same wonderful warm fuzzy feelings and bring those special memories back without eating the jelly rings.

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REPLIES
Moonlight Mistress/ MLM - Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.  And Yes, it's so NOT FUN.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

binging binging binging... HELP ME STOP!!!!!

I had a major binge last night.
ate a dozen doughnuts, and it literally made me sick.
I didn't mean to purge I just got so sick it all came back up. 
I thought maybe I was sick, but so far today I'm holding everything down.
Has anyone else ever ate so much that it literally made you sick?
I'm needing help.
I don't want someone to tell me to change the bad habits... If it were that easy I would.  I'm out of control. I don't understand it. 
Why do I do this to myself?
Why can't I eat like a healthy person eats? why do I want to starve, and see bones?  yet binge all the damn time?
I need advice... someone help... what should I do?

Friday, May 6, 2011

Hat I made

I'm learning how to crochet. I started leaning about January give or take a month or two.  I made a afghan for my best friends baby... I forgot to get a picture of the afghan or else I'd include the pic of the afghan.  My friend loves it she said I did really good. My other friend says she's shocked I did so well on the afghan since it's the first thing made and for the fact that I'm just learning... I had a lot of help with making the afghan from my mom and grandma. <3

So after I finished the afghan I decided to crochet me a hat... I made this hat all by my self. It took me about 8 hours to do (finished it in one day(keep in mind I'm just learning how to crochet too so I'm not fast at it yet)). Everyone is telling me how much they love it and that they are shocked I did so well on it since I'm just a beginner.  I'm loving the praise I'm getting. Helps me feel good about myself.




Friday, April 29, 2011

The Game

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_%28mind_game%29
The Game is a mental game where the objective is to avoid thinking about The Game itself. Thinking about The Game constitutes a loss, which, according to the rules of The Game, must be announced each time it occurs. It is impossible to win most versions of The Game; players can only attempt to avoid losing for as long as they possibly can. The Game has been variously described as pointless and infuriating, or as challenging and fun to play. As of 2010, The Game is played by millions worldwide
Rules
There are three commonly reported rules to The Game:
1. Everyone in the world is playing The Game. (Sometimes narrowed to: “Everybody in the world who knows about The Game is playing The Game”, or alternatively, “You are always playing The Game.”) A person cannot not play The Game; it does not require consent to play and one can never stop playing.
2. Whenever one thinks about The Game, one loses.
3. Losses must be announced to at least one person (either by using a statement such as “I Lost The Game” or by alternative means).
The common rules do not define a point at which The Game ends. However, one reported variation states that The Game ends when the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom announces on television that “The Game is up.” After you have announced your loss, some variants allow for a grace period, during which you cannot lose the game, which varies in time. Note, however, that the grace period is not part of the three documented rules.
Strategies
Some players have developed strategies for making other people lose, such as saying “The Game” out loud, or writing about The Game on a hidden note, in graffiti in public places, or on banknotes.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Beach Body Boot Camp

http://fitnessmagazine.com/fitness-tracker/bootcamp/?sssdmh=dm17.521085&esrc=nwftn042511t1&email=3402921305


The 10-Minute Upper-Body Boot Camp
Sculpt slim, sexy arms with this quickie upper-body boot camp.

Propped Push-Up
What you’ll need: A 4- to 8-pound medicine ball
Targets: Shoulders, back, chest, triceps, and abs
* Start on all fours (knees under hips, back flat), both palms pressing into ball directly below chest, fingers pointed toward floor. Extend legs behind you and balance on toes so that you form a straight line from head to heels, with feet about 2 feet apart.
* Bend elbows to lower chest toward ball, keeping arms by sides, abs engaged and back flat. Exhale as you push back up, straightening arms.
* Do 8 reps. Rest 60 seconds; repeat.
Propped Push-Up
Smash-Down
Targets: Shoulders, back, triceps, and abs
* Stand with feet shoulder-width apart, holding ball with both hands in front of thighs, abs engaged.
* Keeping shoulders down, swing ball up and slightly behind head, bending elbows, as you lift heels off floor and stand on tiptoes.
Smash Down A
* Forcefully swing ball down toward knees while lowering heels to floor and bending knees in a slight squat.
* Return to stand. Do 15 reps. Rest for 30 seconds; repeat.
Smash Down B
Star Pass
Targets: Shoulders, back, abs, obliques, and glutes
* With ball in left hand, extend arms out to sides at shoulder level, palms up.
* Lift right leg straight out to side and lean to left while maintaining balance.
* Lift arms overhead as you lean back to center, pass ball to right hand and switch legs. Lower arms to shoulder level and lean to right for 1 rep.
* Do 10 reps. Rest for 30 seconds; repeat.
Star Pass
Curl and Toss
Targets: Shoulders, back, biceps, triceps, and abs
* Stand with feet shoulder-width apart, holding ball in right hand, arms by sides.
* Curl ball up to right shoulder, keeping elbow by side.
Curl and Toss A
* Bring left hand to right shoulder and use both hands to lightly toss ball straight up. * Catch ball with both hands and bring it to left shoulder. Holding ball with left hand, return right arm by side.
* Lower left arm. Repeat curl/toss on left for 1 rep.
* Do 12 reps, then repeat, going faster with good form.
Curl and Toss B
Ball Flye
Targets: Shoulders, chest, and obliques
* Holding ball in right hand, lie faceup with legs lifted, knees bent 90 degrees.
* Extend arms straight up, directly over shoulders.
Ball Flye A
* Pass ball to left hand and slowly lower left arm straight out to left while lowering bent knees and right arm to right.
* As soon as right arm touches floor, bring legs and arms back to center. Pass ball to right hand and repeat on other side for 1 rep.
* Do 10 reps. Rest for 30 seconds; repeat.
Ball Flye B


7 Moves for a Slimmer Waist
Get an amazing ab rehab stat.
Side Plank-Up
Targets: Rectus and transversus abdominis, obliques, and inner thighs
* Lie on left side on floor with legs stacked and a rolled-up towel between thighs, propping torso on left elbow so that left forearm is perpendicular to torso. Make it easier: Stagger feet so that side of right foot is on floor in front of left foot for a wider base of support.
* Lift hips so that body forms a straight line from head to toe and squeeze towel between thighs. Hold for 1 count, then lower.
* Do 10 reps. Switch sides and repeat. Do 3 sets.
Side Plank-Up
Round Back
Targets: Rectus and transversus abdominis
* Sit on a folded towel on floor with shoulder blades against a wall and knees bent, feet flat; make sure back is rounded. Place hands on floor near hips, fingertips pressed into floor.
* Squeeze abs and lift feet off floor, bring knees toward chest, then straighten legs so toes point toward ceiling. Do 10 pulses: Bring legs 1 inch closer to wall, then move them back 1 inch. Make it easier: Keep left foot on floor and bring extended right leg toward you by grasping right calf with both hands. Hold for 30 seconds; switch legs and repeat.
* Do 3 sets.
Round Back
Fly Up
Target: Rectus abdominis
* Sit on a folded towel on floor, lean back to rest on elbows and place feet together on a wall in front of you so that knees are bent about 90 degrees.
* Extend legs up, keeping feet against wall, then press rounded lower back into floor and squeeze abs as you lift arms to reach toward feet, elbows soft. Make it harder: Press feet into wall as you reach.
* Do 20 pulses: Curl torso up 1 inch, then lower 1 inch.
* Do 3 sets, hugging knees to chest to rest between sets.
Fly Up
Pelvic Scoop
Targets: Lower back, rectus and transversus abdominis, obliques, and butt
* Lie faceup on floor with back resting on folded towel, knees bent and feet flat on floor, arms by sides.
* Cross right ankle onto left thigh just above knee so bent right knee points out to side; flex left foot so only heel rests on floor.
* Rounding lower back and squeezing abs, lift hips off floor so pelvis tilts up toward ribs. Curl pelvis as far as you can without arching back; pull abs in to lift rather than press through left heel. Lower to floor.
* Do 10 reps, holding the lift for 10 seconds on the final one. Switch sides and repeat. Do 3 sets.
Pelvic Scoop
C-Curve
Targets: Rectus and transversus abdominis, quads, inner thighs, and calves
* Stand facing a wall with legs together, squeezing rolled-up towel between thighs.
* With knees slightly bent, hinge forward at hips to place palms on wall, arms extended, so that back is nearly parallel to floor.
* Squeeze abs and towel as you rise onto toes, then do 20 pulses: Lower hips 1 inch, then raise them 1 inch. Make it harder: Start with knees bent 90 degrees so that hips are closer to knee level, then pulse.
* Do 3 sets.
C-Curve
Flat Back
Targets: Rectus and transversus abdominis
* Sit on floor with lower back against a wall, knees slightly bent and feet planted wider than shoulder-width apart. Place hands on floor between legs and squeeze abs.
* Press into floor with fingertips and lift feet about 6 inches. Make it easier: Lift and lower left foot; then repeat with right to complete 1 rep.
* Do 3 sets of 20 reps.
Flat Back
Twisted Curl
Targets: Rectus and transversus abdominis and obliques
* Sit on a folded towel on floor with knees bent and feet flat on floor, then lean back to rest on elbows.
* Press rounded lower back into floor, squeeze abs and curl torso up toward left, lifting arms so that both hands grasp outside of left thigh.
* Maintaining curl, release hands so that both hover to outside of thigh and do 20 pulses: Curl torso up toward left by 1 inch, then lower 1 inch. Make it easier: Keep hands on thigh for pulses. Make it harder: Raise arms overhead for pulses.
* Switch sides and repeat. Do 3 sets.
Twisted Curl


5 Exercises to Look Good in Short-Shorts
Tone your butt, thighs, and calves in just 15 minutes — and show some leg this summer.

90-Degree Lift
What you’ll need: A yoga mat (or a bath towel and a chair)
Targets: Butt, outer and inner thighs
* Stand with feet shoulder-width apart, holding one end of rolled-up mat (or chair back) in front of you with both hands.
* Bend knees slightly and hinge forward from hips, extending arms to plant vertical mat on floor a few feet in front of left foot so that back is parallel to floor.
* Keep both hands on top of mat for support and extend right leg out to side, toes pointed.
90-Degree Lift A
* Keeping abs engaged, back flat, and mat upright, exhale as you lift right leg out to side as high as possible. Hold for 3 seconds, then lower leg.
* Do 10 to 15 reps, holding the last leg lift for 10 seconds. Switch legs and repeat.
90-Degree Lift B
Standing Leg Curl
Targets: Hamstrings and calves
* Stand with feet together and place rolled-up mat (or towel) evenly behind right knee so that it’s parallel to floor. Lift right foot behind you with toes pointed, and pull heel toward butt to secure mat behind knee.
* Extend arms at shoulder level in front of you and clasp hands. (Beginners, use chair for balance.)
* Squeezing mat with leg throughout, lean forward slightly, keeping back flat, as you lift right knee behind you about 6 inches; lower.
* Do 20 pulses up and down. Switch legs and repeat.
Standing Leg Curl
Heaven and Earth
Targets: Back, abs, butt, and quads
* Stand with feet together, holding one end of rolled-up mat (or towel) in each hand, palms in, arms extended at shoulder level in front of you.
* Lower into a squat, then exhale slowly as you fold upper body over thighs, forming a ball: Tuck chin and bend elbows to pull mat to knees.
Heaven and Earth A
* Maintaining squat, uncurl upper body as you extend arms diagonally overhead.
* Return to tucked ball position. Do 15 reps.
Heaven and Earth B
Open and Shut
Targets: Shoulders, back, abs, and quads
* Stand with feet together, toes pointed out to sides, holding rolled-up mat (or towel) near ends in front of thighs with both hands.
* Extend right leg in front of you, toes on floor. Reach arms overhead, leaning back to form a diagonal line from right hand to right toes.
Open and Shut A
* Bring mat to shoulder level while lifting right leg to hip level in front of you. Hold for one breath; lower leg and lift arms.
* Do 10 reps. Switch legs and repeat.
Open and Shut B
Inverted Butterfly Leaps
Targets: Shoulders, back, arms, abs, inner thighs, and calves
* Stand with feet hip-width apart, straddling rolled-up mat (or towel).
* Bend over and place palms shoulder-width apart on floor so that body forms an inverted V.
Inverted Butterfly Leaps B
* Bend knees slightly and lift heels off floor (onto tiptoes). Jump feet up about 12 inches and bring legs in, tapping feet together in midair (above mat), then landing back in an inverted V.
* Do 20 reps.



Get Fit Fast: 10-Minute Cardio and Toning
Get your cardio and your power sculpting done in one fierce, fast workout.

Jack and Tire Run Combo
What You’ll Need: a pair of 5-pound dumbbells
Targets: Shoulders, back, abs, butt, and legs
* Stand with feet hip-width apart, arms by sides. Do 4 jumping jacks.
Jack-and-Tire-Run Combo A
* Immediately afterward, do a high-knee run in place. Bring left knee up and bent right elbow forward, then right knee up and left elbow forward. Repeat high knees 3 more times.
* Alternate between jacks and high knees for 30 seconds. Do 3 sets.
Jack-and-Tire-Run Combo B
Squat Pop
Targets: Abs, butt, and legs
* Stand with feet together, arms by sides. Bend elbows, bringing hands in front of shoulders. Step right foot out to side and lower into a squat, knees bent 90 degrees.
Squat Pop A
* Jump straight up, bringing legs together and extending arms slightly behind you. Quickly step left foot out to side and lower into squat, bending elbows to bring hands in front of shoulders to complete 1 rep.
* Continue briskly alternating slides for 30 seconds. Do 3 sets.
Squat Pop B
Piston
Targets: Arms, abs, butt, and legs
* Stand with feet hip-width apart, holding a dumbbell in each hand, arms by sides, palms facing in. Lunge back with right leg, bending both knees 90 degrees.
Piston A
* Keeping feet planted, straighten both legs as you bend elbows to curl dumbbells to shoulders, palms facing each other. Immediately return to lunge position, lowering weights by sides.
* Do 10 reps. Switch sides and repeat. Do 3 sets.
Piston B
Plank Lunge Row
Targets: Shoulders, back, abs, butt, and legs
* A dumbbell in each hand, get into full push-up position; place dumbbells on the floor so that palms face each other.
* Lunge left leg forward so that foot lands outside of left hand, knee bent 90 degrees; return to push-up.
Plank Lunge Row A
* Instantly drive bent left elbow behind you, bringing dumbbell up to rib cage; return to push-up.
* Do 5 to 10 reps. Switch sides and repeat. Do 3 sets.
Plank Lunge Row B
Double-Time Wood Chop
Targets: Shoulders, arms, abs, obliques, butt, and legs
* Standing with feet slightly wider than shoulder-width apart, cross dumbbells over each other and hold both with clasped hands in front of hips. (Beginners, use one dumbbell.) Bend elbows to bring weights above right shoulder.
Double-Time Wood Chop A
* Pivot to the left, lifting right heel off floor and bending both knees 90 degrees as you lower dumbbells diagonally to outer left calf. Reverse motion back to standing position.
* Do 10 reps. Switch sides and repeat. Do 3 sets.
Double-Time Wood Chop B


Weekend Slim Down: The 48-Hour Workout
If your workweek kept you from working out, this 48-hour fix will put you back on the fit track — fast!

How This Workout Works

Finally there’s a routine to help you make up for a Monday through Friday that was more stress than sweat. “These moves, including my signature you’ll-thank-me-later tush-toning trio, firm from head to toe while burning lots of fat,” says trainer Andrea Orbeck, founder of Prehab Health & Fitness studio in Los Angeles. Orbeck put together this plan exclusively for FITNESS, using the same training secrets that keep Heidi Klum lingerie-ready. Do the Saturday and Sunday exercises, adding 90 seconds of cardio — step-ups, jumping jacks, jumping rope, or your pick of the “Out-of-the-Box Cardio” — between moves as noted. Complete each day’s circuit twice to burn about 256 calories per 30-minute session.

What you’ll need: A set of 3- to 5-pound dumbbells, a step (optional)
Out-of-the-Box Cardio
Jogging in place (yawn) can make a workout feel like medicine. If you’re ready to take the fat-melting up a notch, make those 90-second bursts fly with these cardio options from Orbeck.
Run-Up: Stand in front of a low step, holding a dumbbell in each hand, elbows by sides and bent 90 degrees, palms facing each other. Quickly place left foot, then right foot, on step as you pump arms (as if running); quickly step left foot, then right foot, back to floor to complete 1 rep. Do 25 to 30 reps, alternating starting feet.
Iron Plie: Stand with heels together, toes slightly turned out and knees slightly bent, holding a dumbbell in each hand, elbows bent so that dumbbells are in front of shoulders, palms facing each other. Jump feet out to sides, landing with feet wider than shoulder-width apart, knees soft. Jump back to start. Do 25 to 30 reps.
Weighted Jacks: Stand with feet together, holding a dumbbell in each hand, elbows bent so weights are in front of shoulders, palms facing each other. Jump feet out to sides, landing with feet wider than shoulder-width apart, as you press dumbbells overhead (directly above shoulders). Lower weights as you jump back to start. Do 25 to 30 reps.
woman jumping up by the pool
Sleeker Saturday Workout Routine
This routine will tone your shoulders, chest, triceps, and abs.

Lunge, Lift, and Press
Targets: Shoulders, abs, hips, and legs
* First, do 90 seconds of cardio.
* Stand with feet hip-width apart, holding a dumbbell in each hand, elbows bent so that weights are directly in front of shoulders, palms facing each other.
* Lunge backward with right leg, bending both knees 90 degrees.
Lunge Lift and Press A
* Press through left heel to come up to standing on left leg as you bring right leg directly out to side as high as you can and press left hand overhead, palm facing forward. Step back with right leg to return to lunge position, lowering dumbbell to left shoulder.
* Do 10 to 15 reps. Switch sides, repeat.
Lunge, Lift and Press
Shoulder Pendulum
Targets: Shoulders, triceps, abs, butt, and legs
* First, do 90 seconds of cardio.
* Stand with feet shoulder-width apart, holding a dumbbell in each hand in front of hips, palms facing in.
Shoulder Pendulum
* Squat, bending knees 90 degrees, as you raise extended arms directly in front of you to shoulder level, palms facing down.
* Stand up, lowering arms and bringing them behind you as far as possible, palms facing backward. Return directly to squat position.
* Do 10 to 15 reps
Shoulder Pendulum B
Boxer’s Curl
Targets: Shoulders, chest, and abs
* Lie faceup on floor with knees bent and feet flat, holding a dumbbell in each hand and bending elbows by sides so that weights are hovering above chest, palms facing in.
Boxer's Curl
* Curl shoulder blades off floor, rotating to the right as you extend left arm across body until left hand is near right thigh, palm facing down.
* Rotate back to center, and without resting shoulders on floor, immediately rotate to the left, bringing right arm across body to complete 1 rep.
* Do 10 to 15 reps.
Boxer's Curl B
Walk-Out
Targets: Chest and abs
* First, do 90 seconds of cardio.
* Start on floor in full push-up position: balancing on hands and toes, arms extended, with hands directly below shoulders.
* MAKE IT EASIER: Stay in modified push-up position, on knees.
* Walk right hand forward about 1 foot, then walk left hand forward 1 foot.
* Walk right hand, then left hand, back to full push-up to complete 1 rep.
* Do 8 to 10 reps.
Walk-Out
Reach-Through
Targets: Shoulders, abs, and obliques
* Holding a dumbbell in right hand, start on floor in plank position: balancing on forearms and toes.
* MAKE IT EASIER: Do exercise without dumbbell.
* Lift right arm off floor as you rotate into a side plank: Turn torso to the right so that right shoulder points up, and pivot on toes so that sides of feet rest on floor, right foot in front of left (hips stacked).
Reach Through A
* Extend right arm directly up, then lower dumbbell and rotate torso to left, tucking right arm under torso so that dumbbell extends past left side of rib cage. Return to side plank, extending right arm overhead.
* Do 8 reps. Switch sides, repeat.
Reach-Through

Slimmer Sunday Workout Routine
These flab fighters work your back, biceps, butt, and legs.

Row with Arabesque
Targets: Shoulders, upper back, and butt
* First, do 90 seconds of cardio.
* Stand on right leg with left toes on floor slightly behind you, holding a dumbbell in each hand, palms facing fronts of thighs.
* Lifting left leg behind you and hinging slightly at hips, bend elbows as you bring them out to sides at shoulder level so that forearms point forward, palms face down.
* Lower arms and left leg to start position.
* Do 10 to 15 reps. (Switch legs for this move when you repeat the routine.)
Row With Arabesque
Plie Biceps Curl
Targets: Biceps, butt, and inner thighs
* First, do 90 seconds of cardio.
* Stand with heels together, toes turned out slightly and knees slightly bent, holding a dumbbell in each hand in front of hips, palms facing forward.
* Lower into a demi-plie, knees bent out to sides up to 90 degrees.
* Straighten legs to standing as you curl dumbbells to shoulders.
* Lower arms as you return to demi-plie.
* Do 10 to 15 reps.
Plie Biceps Curl
Single-Leg Deadlift
Targets: Back, butt, and hamstrings
* Stand on right leg, knee slightly bent, with toes of left foot on floor slightly behind you, holding a dumbbell in each hand, palms facing fronts of thighs.
Singe-Leg Deadlift A
* Keeping back flat, bend forward at hips until back is parallel to floor and dumbbells hang directly below shoulders, extending left leg behind you to hip level. Do 10 reps. Switch sides, repeat.
Single-Leg Deadlift
Table Tuck
Targets: Shoulders, back, abs, and butt
* First, do 90 seconds of cardio.
* Start on floor on all fours (hands under shoulders, knees under hips), holding a dumbbell in each hand, palms facing each other.
* MAKE IT EASIER: Do move without dumbbells.
* Bring right elbow and left knee toward each other underneath belly.
Table Tuck A
* Quickly extend right arm forward and left leg directly behind you so that they are parallel to floor.
* Bring right elbow to left knee to continue.
* Do 10 to 15 reps. Switch sides, repeat.
Table Tuck
Tush-Toning Trio
Targets: Butt, hips, and thighs
* Lie on left side, head resting on upper left arm, right hand on hip, legs stacked and slightly in front of you; bend knees 90 degrees. (This is start position.)
* Maintaining knee bend, lift shins so that left knee remains on floor and heels are higher than hips.
Tush-Toning A
* Keeping heels together, lift right knee so it points up. Lower right knee to complete 1 rep. Do 10 reps.
* From start position, lift bent right leg until it forms a 45-degree angle with floor, then extend it. Bend right knee, then lower to complete 1 rep. Do 10 reps.
* From start position, again lift bent right leg to 45 degrees, then press heel back about 12 inches. Lower leg to return to start. Do 10 reps. Switch sides and repeat trio.
Tush-Toning Trio

Workout Playlist
For motivation to move every muscle, the right music goes a long way. “This playlist has fun beats to rock the circuits I created,” says Orbeck, whose clients have been known to bust out dancing mid-rep.
“Whatcha Say” - Jason Derulo Jason Derulo - Whatcha Say - Single - Whatcha Say
“Obsessed” - Mariah Carey Mariah Carey - Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel - Obsessed
“Strict Machine” - Goldfrapp Goldfrapp - Black Cherry - Strict Machine
“Sex on Fire” - Kings of Leon Kings of Leon - Only By the Night (Deluxe Version) - Sex On Fire
“Shove It” - Santigold, featuring Spank Rock Santigold - Santigold - Shove It (feat. Spank Rock)
“Sexy Chick” - David Guetta, featuring Akon David Guetta - One Love - Sexy Chick (feat. Akon)
“Electric Feel” - MGMT MGMT - Oracular Spectacular - Electric Feel
“Run This Town” - Jay-Z, featuring Rihanna and Kanye West Jay-Z - Run This Town (feat. Rihanna & Kanye West) - Single - Run This Town (feat. Rihanna & Kanye West)
“Mercy” - Duffy, featuring The Game Duffy - Rockferry - Mercy
“Can’t Stop” - Maroon 5 Maroon 5 - It Won’t Be Soon Before Long - Can’t Stop
Total time: 36:45


10 Foods to Eat for Flat Abs
Try these ab-flattening foods to boost your abs routine’s effectiveness, control belly bloat, and maintain a healthy metabolism. Here, the top 10 foods for flat abs.

Almonds
These delicious and versatile nuts contain filling protein and fiber, not to mention vitamin E, a powerful antioxidant. They’re also a good source of magnesium, a mineral your body must have in order to produce energy, build and maintain muscle tissue, and regulate blood sugar. “A stable blood-sugar level helps prevent cravings that can lead to overeating and weight gain,” says David Katz, MD, a professor at the Yale University School of Medicine. But what makes almonds most interesting is their ability to block calories. Research indicates that the composition of their cell walls may help reduce the absorption of all of their fat, making them an extra-lean nut.
Try for: An ounce a day (about 23 almonds), with approximately 160 calories. An empty Altoids tin will hold your daily dose perfectly.
Eggs
You won’t find a more perfect protein source. Eggs are highly respected by dietitians because of their balance of essential amino acids (protein building blocks used by your body to manufacture everything from muscle fibers to brain chemicals). We like them because they keep our hands out of the cookie jar. Researchers at the Pennington Biomedical Research Center found that when people ate eggs in the morning, they felt less hungry throughout the day than when breakfast consisted of complex carbohydrates like bagels. “The protein and fat in the egg may be contributing to the feeling of satiety,” says lead researcher Nikhil V. Dhurandhar, PhD.
Try for: One egg a day, unless you have high blood cholesterol, in which case you should check with your doctor first. (One egg packs about 213 milligrams of cholesterol.)
Soy
Soybeans are a great source of antioxidants, fiber, and protein. Plus, they’re incredibly versatile. Snack on dry-roasted soybeans, toss shelled edamame into soups, and slip a spoonful of silken tofu into your morning smoothie. Liquid soy also makes a good meal replacement: A study from the Journal of the American College of Nutrition found that overweight subjects who drank a soy milk-based meal replacement lost more weight than those who consumed a traditional dairy-based diet drink.
Try for: Twenty-five grams of whole (not isolated) soy protein daily. A half cup of steamed edamame contains about 130 calories and 11 grams of protein. Four ounces of tofu (94 calories) contain 10 grams. Choose whole soy foods over products packed with “isolated soy protein” — the latter may not provide all the benefits of whole soybeans.
Apples
A 2003 study in the journal Nutrition found that overweight women who consumed three apples or pears a day for three months lost more weight than their counterparts who were fed a similar diet with oat cookies instead of fruits. “A large apple has 5 grams of fiber, but it’s also nearly 85 percent water, which helps you feel full,” explains Elisa Zied, RD, author of So What Can I Eat?! (Wiley, 2006). Apples also contain quercetin, a compound shown to help fight certain cancers, reduce cholesterol damage, and promote healthy lungs.
Try for: An apple (or two) a day. A study published in the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry found that the Red Delicious, Cortland, and Northern Spy varieties had the highest antioxidant activity.
Berries
Most are loaded with fiber, every dieter’s best friend. The more fiber you eat — experts say that it’s best to get between 25 and 35 grams every day — the fewer calories you absorb from all the other stuff you put in your mouth. That’s because fiber traps food particles and shuttles them out of your system before they’re fully digested. Berries (and other fruits) are also high in antioxidants, which not only help protect you from chronic diseases like cancer but may also help you get more results from your workouts. “Antioxidants help improve blood flow, which can help muscles contract more efficiently,” says Dr. Katz.
Try for: At least half a cup daily, or about 30 calories’ worth. Don’t limit yourself to the usual suspects, like raspberries, blueberries, and strawberries. If you can find them, add boysenberries, gooseberries, and black currants to the mix for excitement.
Leafy Greens
Their cancer-preventing carotenoids won’t help shrink your waistline, but their low calorie count definitely will. One cup of spinach contains only about 40 calories, while a cup of broccoli has 55 calories and satisfies 20 percent of your day’s fiber requirement. Most leafy greens are also a good source of calcium, an essential ingredient for muscle contraction. In other words, they help fuel your workouts.
Try for: Three servings daily. Keep a bag of prewashed baby spinach in your fridge and toss a handful into soups, salads, pasta dishes, stir-fries, and sandwiches. When you get sick of spinach, reach for a bunch of arugula, broccoli rabe, or broccolini, a cross between broccoli and Chinese kale.
Yogurt
People who get their calcium from yogurt rather than from other sources may lose more weight around their midsection, according to a recent study published in the International Journal of Obesity. The probiotic bacteria in most yogurts help keep your digestive system healthy, which translates into a lower incidence of gas, bloating, and constipation, which can keep your tummy looking flat.
Try for: One to three cups a day of low-fat or fat-free yogurt. Choose unsweetened yogurt that contains live active cultures. Add a handful of fresh chopped fruit for flavor and extra fiber.
Veggie Soup
Researchers at Pennsylvania State University found that people who ate broth-based (or low-fat cream-based) soups two times a day were more successful in losing weight than those who ate the same amount of calories in snack food. Soup eaters also maintained, on average, a total weight loss of 16 pounds after one year. “Plus, it’s a simple way to get your vegetables,” says Susan Kleiner, PhD, RD, author of Power Eating (Human Kinetics, 2001).
Try for: At least one cup of low-calorie, low-sodium vegetable soup every day.
Salmon
Seafood, especially fatty fish like salmon, tuna, and mackerel, is an excellent source of omega-3 fatty acids. These uber-healthy fats may help promote fat burning by making your metabolism more efficient, according to Kleiner. An Australian study showed that overweight people who ate fish daily improved their glucose-insulin response. Translated, this means that seafood may help slow digestion and prevent cravings. If that doesn’t hook you, consider this: Seafood is an excellent source of ab-friendly protein.
Try for: Two four-ounce servings per week. Wild salmon, though pricey, contains more omega-3 fatty acids than farm-raised. (If it doesn’t say wild, it’s farm-raised.) If seafood’s not your thing, you can get your omega-3’s from flaxseed (grind and sprinkle on your cereal) or walnuts.
Quinoa
Never heard of it? Pronounced KEEN-wah, this whole grain contains 5 grams of fiber and 11 grams of protein per half cup. Cook it as you would any other grain (although some brands require rinsing). Quinoa’s nutty flavor and crunchy-yet-chewy texture are like a cross between whole wheat couscous and short-grain brown rice.
Try for: At least one half-cup serving (a third of your whole-grain requirements) per day. Try substituting AltiPlano Gold brand instant quinoa hot cereal (160 to 210 calories per packet), in Chai Almond and Spiced Apple Raisin, for oatmeal. Look for it in health-food stores.