I dunno what to tittle this....

I am just sitting here with my "puppy" (I don't think she's considered a puppy anymore but I guess how like our parents will call us their babies even when we're 18 or whatever age, that's how I view my dog.  She'll always be my little puppy.) and I'm feeling this surge of anxiety.  Oh yippy =) 

I'm looking for a job, I'm wanting to work graveyard, cuz I'd feel most comfortable doing graveyard work schedule.  I can't think of any excuses to not work a job all night, but during day time hours I can come up with excuse after excuse after excuse.  

My sister A and I fight a lot... (my sister M is the sister I put photos up in the last blog) we are too much alike in some areas and it causes us to bicker a lot.  She is holding things against me things I did when I was younger and didn't fully know better.  My grandma said to me that I just need to grow up, or one day A and I will tear the family apart.  It hurts, cuz I feel like I'm the one to blame.  When i fight with my sister (verbally fight, I don't do physical fighting) it's cuz I want to prove I'm right... and she has to prove she's right.  So I guess you could say we're both too prideful to walk away peacefully.  But it is not all my fault that we fight.   So Sunday we are not fully getting along but not yelling either... she's treating me like I'm in her way... like she owns the place and I should know better and stay away.  so I ended up leaving the house and went to my grandma's just so I didn't have to deal with her, and two we wouldn't fuel each other into a fight.  Well when I got home I see my shoes where they weren't before... My sister had the nerve to taking my shoes without my permission after she treated me like I was in her way.  UGH it ticks me off that she thinks she has the right to do that... if she would have asked I would have most likely let her even if I didn't want her to. 

...I dunno... I'm depressed.... I'm tired... I'm irritable... 

I've been feeling conflicted lately, cuz I need to please other people... My dad is telling me to not give in to pleasing other people and set aside time for myself. Something i need to do if I'm going to conquer my binging habits.  It's miserable living with binging but I don't have the tools to change it on my own. So I gotta stop pleasing other people and go to this group I said I'd go to.  

REPLIES

ZERO - I also tell myself if so and so can do this/that then I can too. I think it can help us to achieve goals when we try to do as well as someone else or better, cuz it gives you something to work towards.

CAliChica - Have faith in yourself, and imagine yourself doing the jump... I hear that's one way to help you achieve a goal like a jump like my sister can do.... and be open to advice from other people and put what they say into action and you'll have that jump down. I took dance class at high school and I also took dance outside of high school... I miss it. But I'm glad you're able to dance, even if it's just a class you're taking in high school. 

Why do things come easier to one person but harder for another person.

My sister in the halls of her high school... Look at that jump.

My sister on the hood of her car...

My sister... Her drill Photo... Love that jump.  amazing.

My sister doing the jump like 10 feet off the ground... (actually I dunno but that's high.

My sister... I'm jealous of her... she's such a good dancer... I took dance all my life and have never been as good as she is... she has only dance for 4 years... this is her 5th year... NOT FAIR!!!!!

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REPLIES...

Silly Girl - You must live in a small town... That sucks that it doesn't show more shows. Hope you're able to see it soon and hope  you enjoy it.

Americaneagle - I hope you enjoy the movie when you can see it.  and you're welcome.

The Help

 

I just saw the movie last night... I've not read the book yet, although after seeing the movie I really want to read the book... unfortunately my mom lent her book out yesterday so I'll have to wait to read it.  In the movie there was a quote I really really like.... "YOU IS KIND, YOU IS SMART, YOU IS IMPORTANT" I think we all tend to forget this from our negative self talk to ourselves... so i wrote this down and I'm going to post it where I can see it every morning I wake up and every night before I go to bed. 

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REPLIES

@ Annie - I didn't do too well this week with my gym attendance.  I was so drained on Tuesday that I ended up going to bed at 7:30.Wednesday was a pool party for my sisters drill(dance) team. and Yesterday/Thursday I went and saw The Help... today/Friday isn't quite over yet so I should be able to make it to the gym today.  It's hard for me to use a treadmill, I'm not use to them cuz I usually well always use the elliptical, I'm working on changing that. 

@ Clear Girl - Thank you for the advice... Yesterday/Thursday I ended up sending them downstairs telling them it's quiet time for at least a half hour... it worked... I was shocked at how well it worked.  

After I read your comment on the font... I did change it... I hope this font is better... let me know if it's still hard to read.     

I am so drained

I have no energy today.  I didn't sleep well last night either.  I don't know what's wrong with me... I love the kids I babysit, I just feel so overwhelmed with them lately, they don't sleep in. they're so loud and hyper.  I guess your typical kid... But lately I am just so drained and overwhelmed that one little thing they do that I don't like  I'm sending them to their rooms.  I hate it, I gotta let them be kids and not get mad at them cuz I'm so dang tired. 

I am going to talk to my parents and I hope we can figure something out. When I was younger I didn't know how to discipline kids (my siblings) so I would spank them or I'd put them in the shower with their cloths on... I wasn't nice at all. and I'm scared if I get too tired I might lash out and spank them or give them an unreasonable consequence for something they did wrong. I think I might need some me time... but I won't earn any money if i take some me time.  So i feel trapped.  So goal is to get my parents together and sit down and explain to them how I'm feeling and see if we can all come up with a reasonable thing to do to solve this issue I'm dealing with. 

I found my day planner.

I went to the gym yesterday spent 3 hours there. It was so hard to walk the 3 miles or do the 5k  but I rode the 6 miles on the bike in a breeze... and swimming was eh.... I used the kick board I need to practice swimming without the kick board.   So I want to go to the gym every day this week except Sunday and do the "beach bum triathlon" my neighbor wants me to do yoga with her tonight.  so uhg I feel so overwhelmed.  Am I taking on too much?  I don't do squat compared to other people because I don't handle stress well, and i break down and i end up getting physically sick. I think I might be getting sick. 

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REPLIES

 @ Jen - Thank you so much, I'll check the book out... see if they have it at the library.  

I just tried the beach bum tri at the gym and it kicked my butt... that requires stamina. 

I'd love to talk more with you also.  If you want you can email me @ bbrit0101@gmail.com

@ Thin or Not - I don't think I'm as busy as it sounded.  I have friends and family that do way more than I do.  If i take on too much I break down.  I wish I could take on more and not let it affect me in a negative way... that's something I'll have to learn to do little by little.  

Hope all is well.

I need to be more organized

I have a day planner, but I've miss placed it.  haha that's not doing much good.

I feel I need to plan my days better... babysit from this time-that time then counseling on this day from this time-that time then job searching from this time-that time then workout from this time-I'm done with the workout. Then any other activities from this time-that time. Oh and Cleaning/Laundry from this time-until I'm finished, it's so bad right now, I have no clean clothes so I'm wearing a dress today... everyone is asking me why I'm dressed... um no clean clothes. 

I've been having a miserable week. crying over pointless things, and having a lot of anxiety, more than usual... way more than usual. Thank goodness for Clanzepam works wonders. 

I forgot to go to OA last night.  that partly why I need a day planner so I remember what I have planned.

So I have a goal to do a "Beach Bum Triathlon"  it's jog a 5K ride bike 6miles then swim 33 laps... then I'll work up to a "Sprint".  I need to loose this weight so I can fit in my clothing.

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Triathlons Distances

Beach Bum

Swim – 500m (.5K) = 547 yards = 22 lengths = 11 laps

Bike - 9.6K = 6 Miles

Run – 5k = 3.1Miles

SPRINTS

Swim – 750m (.75K) = 820.5 yards = 33 lengths = 17 laps

Bike – 20km = 12.4 Miles

Run – 5K = 3.1 Miles

Intermediate (or Standard) distance, commonly referred to as "Olympic Distance"

Swim – 1.5k = 1641 yards = 66 lengths = 33 laps

Bike = 40 km = 24.8 Miles

Run – 10K = 6.2 Miles

Long Course aka Half Ironman

Swim – 1.9K = 2078.6 yards = 84 lengths = 42 laps

Bike – 90K =55.8 Miles

Run – 21.1 K = 13 Miles

Ultra Distance is the Ironman Triathlon

Swim - 3.8 km = 4157.2 yards = 166 lengths = 83 laps

Bike – 180 K = 111.6 Miles

Run – 42.2K = 26 Miles

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dayofmine said...

Is there a way that you could bring someone along to the OA meeting? Do they allow that? I avoid religious-based support groups exactly for that reason. I find they they focus on things that really don't have anything to do with my problem(s). Let us know how it goes! - I talked to my dad the next day and he confirmed that since it said it's an "OPEN" that anyone can go that they don't need to call in ahead. So I'm gonna try to find a friend to come with me on Thursday.  I'll report back on how I handled it.  

♥ Britni Marie