Body image is playing a role in how I feel. My clothes don't fit, and the ones that do fit are few, so I have to wash my clothes like a lot more than I use to when I had more clothes that fit. I hate sitting down cuz I feel my fat more, I'm out of breath just doing simple things, and I hate mirrors. I was going to do the master cleanse this month, but I'd break the fast on the 16th and possibly the weekend of Taylorsville Dayzz (24-27) cuz we'll prob go to BBQ and there will be fireworks and fun get together with food. *rolls eyes* But I'm going to look into SGD or something I can still eat without drawing attention that I'm not eating as much as I should. I also need to find a workout I can do that won't rub my skin raw and that I'll still be able to move the next day/2days or learn not to push myself so freggin hard.
I'm feeling stress with looking for a job, I need a job cuz I need insurance and I need a steady income so I can eventually move out on my own, or to go back to school, and to pay for my medical things like counseling/meds/doctor visit. Yet I feel so down that if I were to get a job I don't think I'd be able to keep it for long. I've been having thoughts of hurting myself, and sometimes the thought of ODing pops into my head because I feel so (I don't know... I'm confused... I can't get these thoughts figured out) but I already am in debt from the last time I OD'd, that if I were to do so again I'd want to go through with it 100%, but I don't want to die, I just want this pain to end. I don't feel I make sense cuz I don't even make sense in my head of mine.
I notice that when I watch a show and something horrible happens like a death of a husband or one of their kids, or rape or just something terrible I find myself thinking gosh why do they fight to be happy it'd be so dang hard if I were them I'd just give up on life. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME it's not RIGHT to think that way.
One good thing that's going on is the kids I babysit, they make me smile. one of the kids didn't listen to me today so I had to send her to her room... she's yellin for me "BRITNI, I LOVE YOU." "BRITNI, COME HERE, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A HUG AND A KISS." it's so hard to stick to your punishment for the child when they are so loving to you. I know for a fact that if it weren't for these kids I wouldn't be near as strong as I am. These kids have a strong positive influence on me.
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REPLIES
- Thin or Not said...
- That youtube video is awesome! I agree, I thought it was amazing... I wish I had that talent. It makes me want to start dancing again.
- - Gianni said...
- I read your last post about wanting to cut off your fat... I've dreamt that dream too many times to count. I would go through the pain of surgery without anesthesia if I could be thin... *sigh* As for your video, she was a good dancer... but that song was just a tad on the depressing side. Not exactly something I want to hear when I'm trying not to eat. lol I agree the song is a bit on the depressing side... the first time watching that dance I was thinking that would be a difficult song to make a dance to.
