A&E HEAVY & how I'm realating

I'm starting to realize I binge on food when I don't know how to cope with a feeling/mood.  I've been eating 4 double cheese burgers in ten minutes(makes me sad just to admit this), and I still want more even if I'm not hungry. I could be stuffed to the point I can't move and I'll still be shoving food down my throat. It's miserable. I'm inching close to 300lbs (not yet but getting close) that scares me to death.  I want to break down and cry.  I can feel the weight gain... I can feel it in my back and hips and joints.  This is not living, this is called HELL.  

I've gone to an OA meeting the church I attend sponsors and I felt that they taught gospel principals instead of dealing with the issue at hand. So I now have the number for OA (non religion facilitated) I'm scared... not cuz I don't want change (cuz I do want to change and I do want help) it's just I'd go alone and I don't like to face things alone... it's scary. But I'm going to face my fear and go.  Is OA a walk-in or do you need to call and reserve a place in the class?  I was trying to figure that out so I could attend a class tonight but couldn't find the info, so I gotta look more into it tomorrow, and I will.  I've started watching this show on Netflix the show originally aired on A&E it's called HEAVY... I watch it and I cry cuz I see me in them.  It hurts.

Lately I feel so out of control with food that I want to cut.  I feel so mad at myself and rage. and I want to break things... like I've been wanting to slam my fist through the T.V. just because the channel is going in and out. I'm thinking there's gotta be something else bothering me deep down cuz that shouldn't get me so pissed off. I find my self wanting to cuss and scream and cry when I text and the word doesn't come up correctly.  What is up with all this rage/anger?  

I went to the H♥PE Clinic (it's a free clinic for those who don't have insurance and low/no income) for my cramps. The OBGYN and I agreed to get me started on the Depovera shot. I've been on it before so I know what it'll do.  

I need to call my physcitrist and set up an appt. to talk about getting my meds increased and I'm on my last refile and if that doesn't help me feel more stable I need to get my harmones checked. 

I hope I start to feel better soon.

On the bright side I started working out again.  Swimming. I've been enjoying it... I wish the happiness from the workout lasted longer than it did. 

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Midnitefyrfly said...

It is so hard when things on the inside are not right and only you see/feel them. If you had a physical diagnosis, then it would be so much easier for people to accept. Mental diagnosis are not as widely accepted or understood and neither is pain. I am sorry that your Dad isn't very understanding. I hope you find support from someone. Just know you are not alone :)  Thank you for your understanding and support :) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ S. said... Your parents doesn't always knows what's best for you. They really don't. Listen to yourself. Love Listen to myself?  I have a hard time doing that. Thanx for the advice and I'll work on it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jenn said...

Sorry things are stressful. Parental pressure is always a tough one. It was for me big time growing up - and still is. But thankfully, since I live on my own now, I have been able to learn to set boundaries with them and it has helped a great deal in our relationship and we are slowly mending the past. Anyways... You know what's in your heart, what you can and can't do right now, and you just need to find that inner voice and try to listen and follow it. I KNOW it's hard to find that voice when there is so much static in your head -trust me - but it IS there. Try not to get too discouraged and keep working with that voc rehab and they will help you find something that will fit "you" and that will be good. sending prayers and strength your way ;)

 

  Thank you Jenn, reading your comment gave me hope. I'll do what I can to tune into the voice and push the static out of my head.  I hope you're doing ok. 

♥ Thank you all for your loving words and support it means a lot to me. 

 

Too much pressure...

  feel my dad is too critical. it's so aggravating. he tells me I need to get a job. I don't tell him things like I've not been feeling stable so i don't feel I could hold down a job. and that when that time of month comes I get sever cramps get physically sick and I believe that with those two things I wouldn't be able to give 100% at any job. So I want to be stable and I want a solution for my cramps so when i do get a job I can give 100%. he tells me well I don't believe in pharmaceuticals you just need to be raw vegan and juice everything and that'll solve all your problems. (dad you're 230lbs what makes you think you know that is the answer... once you're healthy physically and emotionally and you're raw vegan and juice everything then I'll be more than happy to believe that the type of food has everything to do with how you feel) I hate it. my dad asked me where I'd be in a year from now... I told him dead (I said that without even thinking) I hate this I hate feeling so damn miserable. I'm so tired lately. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm working with Voc Rehab (a place that is helping look for a job and helping with making sure I'm stable enough to hold down a job) and my dad is telling to just go on ahead without voc rehab. I have a "plan" with voc rehab and I need to get a job to what's written in my "plan" yet my dad doesn't want to hear that... I have to get a job doing something even if its not in my plan. GOSH I'm so frustrated.
Last year I got tested for Aspergers  and it came back negative but the thing the people said to my parents was for them to not pressure me to get a job that it would be my counselors job to do that.


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CAliChica - Thank you.  I started working out again and I've notice I do feel a bit better after the workout. 

Kat not Jas -Thanx. I do need to focus on things I do like about myself. I've been so focused on the stuff I don't like about me lately that I've forgotten to look for the positive. Thank you. 

Feeling comfortable in your own skin...

Lately I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like people look at me and are judging me or talking about me behind my back. what is she wearing, those clothes don't fit her. she needs to lose weight. she wouldn't sweat so bad if she lost weight. she's too big to wear that size of jeans. I'm self conscious as it is and these thoughts are making it worse.

My sister told me that she purges sometimes. 

I was hysterical the other night crying to my dad. I'm so upset with my body and how it looks. I feel lost and I feel as though I don't know what to do. I told my dad I wanted to look like my friend Taresa, or my sister Maddi, or my friend Gillian (they are all tall and thin and beautiful). I don't want to look like my sister Ali cuz she's too curvy. (she's thin and beautiful but she has curves and I don't want curves). 

My dad tells me I need to accept my body the way it is, but to me accepting it means I can't do anything about it and I'd be miserable the rest of my life and I don't want to be miserable. I don't know... I want to be thin. I'm scared to say I'll do something cuz I'm too afraid that I'll fail and not accomplish that goal. 

I accept my feelings and me for who i am but when it comes to accepting my body for what it is... I run the opposite direction in tears. 

So my question is... 

How do I become comfortable in my own skin, how do I learn to accept me for me and my body?

ARGH

This might make me sound really shallow, but when I'm around others that look heaver than i do i still feel my fat rolls and I feel worse about me, cuz I don't want to end up being their weight or size. I need help