I'm starting to realize I binge on food when I don't know how to cope with a feeling/mood. I've been eating 4 double cheese burgers in ten minutes(makes me sad just to admit this), and I still want more even if I'm not hungry. I could be stuffed to the point I can't move and I'll still be shoving food down my throat. It's miserable. I'm inching close to 300lbs (not yet but getting close) that scares me to death. I want to break down and cry. I can feel the weight gain... I can feel it in my back and hips and joints. This is not living, this is called HELL.
I've gone to an OA meeting the church I attend sponsors and I felt that they taught gospel principals instead of dealing with the issue at hand. So I now have the number for OA (non religion facilitated) I'm scared... not cuz I don't want change (cuz I do want to change and I do want help) it's just I'd go alone and I don't like to face things alone... it's scary. But I'm going to face my fear and go. Is OA a walk-in or do you need to call and reserve a place in the class? I was trying to figure that out so I could attend a class tonight but couldn't find the info, so I gotta look more into it tomorrow, and I will. I've started watching this show on Netflix the show originally aired on A&E it's called HEAVY... I watch it and I cry cuz I see me in them. It hurts.
Lately I feel so out of control with food that I want to cut. I feel so mad at myself and rage. and I want to break things... like I've been wanting to slam my fist through the T.V. just because the channel is going in and out. I'm thinking there's gotta be something else bothering me deep down cuz that shouldn't get me so pissed off. I find my self wanting to cuss and scream and cry when I text and the word doesn't come up correctly. What is up with all this rage/anger?
I went to the H
- It is so hard when things on the inside are not right and only you see/feel them. If you had a physical diagnosis, then it would be so much easier for people to accept. Mental diagnosis are not as widely accepted or understood and neither is pain. I am sorry that your Dad isn't very understanding. I hope you find support from someone. Just know you are not alone :)
Thank you for your understanding and support :)
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S. said... Your parents doesn't always knows what's best for you. They really don't. Listen to yourself.
Love
Listen to myself? I have a hard time doing that. Thanx for the advice and I'll work on it.
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- Sorry things are stressful. Parental pressure is always a tough one. It was for me big time growing up - and still is. But thankfully, since I live on my own now, I have been able to learn to set boundaries with them and it has helped a great deal in our relationship and we are slowly mending the past. Anyways... You know what's in your heart, what you can and can't do right now, and you just need to find that inner voice and try to listen and follow it. I KNOW it's hard to find that voice when there is so much static in your head -trust me - but it IS there. Try not to get too discouraged and keep working with that voc rehab and they will help you find something that will fit "you" and that will be good. sending prayers and strength your way ;)
Thank you Jenn, reading your comment gave me hope. I'll do what I can to tune into the voice and push the static out of my head. I hope you're doing ok.
Thank you all for your loving words and support it means a lot to me.
Is there a way that you could bring someone along to the OA meeting? Do they allow that?
ReplyDeleteI avoid religious-based support groups exactly for that reason. I find they they focus on things that really don't have anything to do with my problem(s).
Let us know how it goes!