Maybe It's True... and my food history.

Maybe I do use food to hid from guys. My counselor has asked me if I eat to make myself "undesirable" to men cuz of what happened to me with C. No I'm not doing that cuz I do want a guy to like me. I want to be desirable.  Well when I found out that some guy I use to work with liked me... I freaked out inside. My first thoughts are...  what are his intentions? Does he really like me for me? or will he manipulate me pressure me to do things I absloutly don't want to do? That's what C did to me, so I now don't trust guys when they tell me that they like me. I want to run and hide, and BINGE. and that's something I can not do, if I want to find inner peace. Binging causes me more emotional pain then I need. It causes me to self loath myself. 

I was asked to do a food history of my life.  I don't think I ever had a 100% healthy relationship with food. I loved food, and I enjoyed food. I always remember going to my grandparents house for birthday and getting the icing on the cake and eating others icing someone didn't want.  I loved it. SO YUMMY!!! But I didn't turn to food for comfort... that's what my dancing was for.  When my parents got separated when I was in High School I would go to dance... and dance, dance, and dance. Then I'd get in the car and cry cuz I would have to go home, where my home was not a home cuz my family was not together.  Dance is what helped me cope through that time.  Once I had to quit dance and move on to college and then looking for jobs I couldn't use dance and my escape and Food become my comfort.  I remember my first year of college I lived in off campus housing... I would only eat one meal a day.  nothing else.  Then as my depression grew... and a friend influenced me badly and manipulated me and pressured me, I turned to food even more... sometimes I'd turn away from food.  I'd have "control" for 10 days here 3 days there then binge binge binge binge and binge. I also turned to cutting, and banging my head against walls and shelves (inflicting pain on myself in one way or another) I would purge my food up every so often. I also turned to alcohol.  I would drink alone in my room just to numb myself.  I finally told my mom when I was experiencing a horrible hangover, and handed over my stash of alcohol. I didn't want to become an alcoholic, and I still don't ever wanna be an alcoholic.  I did like the numb feeling it did bring. so I started using Benadryl... it numbs you. I've came to realize you get more of the numbing affect if you starve/deprive yourself from food.  But I don't want to become a pill popper so my first choice is food to help me when I don't know how to cope, then pills, then self harm (hitting myself, cutting, pulling my hair, pinching myself)

That's all I'm gonna say for now. 

Brit

Why is it so difficult (spiritual)

I am not sure why it's so difficult for me to kneel down and pray. Am I scared? If I'm scared, what am I scared of?  Scared that Heavenly Father will roll his eyes and mumble under his breath stop being so dramatic? (my dad has said that to me when I was crying and struggling) Scared that I won't be heard? (a lot in life I will say something and I feel no one will acknowledged what I have said... and being shy doesn't help cuz then it makes it harder to talk when I'm not acknowledged) Because I feel unworthy to pray/ that I have sinned too much to even have my prayers answered? 

I don't like feeling like I need to pray when I'm so scared to do so. I want to understand why it's so difficult for me to pray. I know that Heavenly Father is real, and that Jesus Christ came to earth and suffered and died for us, and I know the holy ghost is real, I've felt the holy ghost. So why is it so difficult to pray?  Don't get me wrong I do say little prayers in my heart for family and friends who may be struggling, I ask that they be comforted and know that they are cared for, but I feel I need to get down and pray, thank the Lord for all my blessing that I have, for my family and friends, to seek help and guidance in my everyday life, and to talk to my Father in Heaven like I do a friend and trust that he is there listening to what I have to say.  

I am going to take this a baby step at a time, I need to get over this and just kneel down and pray... so if baby steps is what it takes to get me there than that's what I'll do. 

Britni