Why am i not happy with the weight loss I have? I want to see a 5lbs lost every day not just 2lbs. I know that's not rational but I'm working so hard for the weight loss. I don't want to be in my 200's anymore. I wanna be THIN THIN THIN!!!!! My dad has asked me to read this book called The Power Of Positive Thinking. I've listened to the first CD it talks about prayer, thanking for things that have not happened yet, show faith in that it will happen, and when you get a negative thought replace it with a positive thought. So at night when I lay down I repeat to myself I am thin, I am thin, I am thin... I have a fast metabolism, I have a fast metabolism, I have a fast metabolism... My body is a fat burning machine, my body is a fat burning machine, my body is a fat burning machine... I am feeling stuffed, I am feeling stuffed, I am feeling stuffed... I repeat these things until I feel that way, I don't quite believe them yet but I hope I will someday. I know those are not quite what the CD is talking about but I figured that it won't hurt to apply positive thinking towards my weight loss.
What the CD does talk about is reading the New Testament and underlining all the positive, faith, praying passages. And looking for the positive in the negative, not letting the negative thoughts over power you. I do alright at looking for the positive, it when I get tired that I become to worn out to fight the thoughts and that's when I need to do so the most .
Yesterday I worked out for an hour... Put weights on my ankle and walked around with them on, paced around the house just to burn calories, did crunches, crunches, and more crunches, All I could think about were am I burning enough calories to lose the weight I want to lose? I hate how consumed my thoughts are with this but I dunno how to change it. I lost 2 freaking pounds and I'm mad cuz I am 228 not 225.
I'll add more later to this blog, I've got more to say, I'm just not how to say it...
Loves
Britni Marie
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
CHILDHOOD EAR TRAUMA - ADULTHOOD EAR TRAUMA
How smart are little children?
Well when I was little I was not. I put a rock in my ear, it got stuck, wax built up around it and I started talking like a deaf person. My mom got concerned so she took me to some doctors and they all said I was just going through a stage... finally my mom took me in to another Dr. he looked into my ear and said there's a rock in there took his tools and dug the rock outta my ear. When he did that he noticed that I had a hole in my ear, so he sent me to an ENT The ENT put tubes in my ears, the tubes fell out, I still had the hole in my ear so the ENT did a skin graph... ear healed.
I remember having to take ear drops when i had the hole in my ear and the drops would go right into my mouth so I would fight like a crazy man, I hated those ear drops. I also remember getting sharp pains in my ear like a thousand needles would be poking inside my ear after i got the drops. I hate ear drops. To this day I hate ear drops. I'll use them, but i hate them.
I won't let anyone else but me put the drops in my ears cuz i only trust myself... if someone else does I'll cry out of fear.
As of a few months ago my scar tissue got inflamed well i didn't know that till yesterday. (cuz i thought oh this feeling will go away.) I started digging in my ear and decided it's time to get it checked out. I got prescribed ear drops... My so called "FAV" well i put the drops in my ears and it hurts my ear drum like it feels like too much pressure... and I get this super dizzy feeling like i might pass out (but i'm laying down) or vomit, and everything is spinning. I don't know what to take of it... out of all my years with ear problems I've never felt this from drops before... i told my dad he told me it's normal don't worry bout it... well I've never had it before i doubt it's normal. I dunno what to think.
Well when I was little I was not. I put a rock in my ear, it got stuck, wax built up around it and I started talking like a deaf person. My mom got concerned so she took me to some doctors and they all said I was just going through a stage... finally my mom took me in to another Dr. he looked into my ear and said there's a rock in there took his tools and dug the rock outta my ear. When he did that he noticed that I had a hole in my ear, so he sent me to an ENT The ENT put tubes in my ears, the tubes fell out, I still had the hole in my ear so the ENT did a skin graph... ear healed.
I remember having to take ear drops when i had the hole in my ear and the drops would go right into my mouth so I would fight like a crazy man, I hated those ear drops. I also remember getting sharp pains in my ear like a thousand needles would be poking inside my ear after i got the drops. I hate ear drops. To this day I hate ear drops. I'll use them, but i hate them.
I won't let anyone else but me put the drops in my ears cuz i only trust myself... if someone else does I'll cry out of fear.
As of a few months ago my scar tissue got inflamed well i didn't know that till yesterday. (cuz i thought oh this feeling will go away.) I started digging in my ear and decided it's time to get it checked out. I got prescribed ear drops... My so called "FAV" well i put the drops in my ears and it hurts my ear drum like it feels like too much pressure... and I get this super dizzy feeling like i might pass out (but i'm laying down) or vomit, and everything is spinning. I don't know what to take of it... out of all my years with ear problems I've never felt this from drops before... i told my dad he told me it's normal don't worry bout it... well I've never had it before i doubt it's normal. I dunno what to think.
WHEN I WAS LITTLE I ALWAYS USE TO SAY...
Person 1- "What do you eat under there?"
Person 2 - "Under Where"
Person 1 - "You eat underwear."
And then we'd all laugh.
LOL
Person 2 - "Under Where"
Person 1 - "You eat underwear."
And then we'd all laugh.
LOL
I HATE GOING TO BED... WHY?
During the day I can keep busy enough that my mind does not wonder and if it does I just start texting or cleaning but bed time... if i clean I'd wake people up. I write but that does not always help cuz i don't always know how to express myself at night. I want to scream, cry, pull my hair out, hurt myself in some way, something just to get the thoughts outta my head.
What keeps me feeling the anxiety? $$$ I have no money. zilch! My dad just bought me a car $500 and he's gonna make a list of how much money i owe him. Medication cost money $50 for my anti-depressants $25 for my stabilizer to help so i more stable and don't have bad anxiety $5 for anti-anxiety pills $5 for my sleeping pills
Then to meet with the gal that gives me medication advice and prescribes them its $131 to meet with her for just 30 minz. Then I need to get a life coach (councilor) and that's gonna cost a lot of money and I need to see the life coach weekly. HOW THE HELL AM I TO MAKE IT ON MY OWN IF WHEN I DO MAKE MONEY ALL MY MONEY GOES TO MEDICAL????
My weight, I'll lay in bed plan out my day, my intake, my workouts, what i will and what i will not allow myself to eat. I've gained so much weight it's hard to go up the stairs... well not now since i've been losing weight. It's just so frustrating.
Friends... I have 3 close friends 1 is married and the other two are parents. I had one friend I use to do things with but she's dropped me. I don't know what i did or what or why. I feel alone I have no social life. don't get me wrong I do love the friends i do have but I wanna have friends that are not tied down.
And I have trouble with a guy. Thought he was my friend turned out he mentally manipulated me. Used me... I'm working on breaking off ties with him, yet I still care for him. and that makes it hard. I get so much anxiety when I see him around I've gone and vomited from the anxiety. I have guilt for letting him manipulate me cuz in my patriarchal blessing it warned me about guys like him, and i didn't realize what was going on until it was too late.
That's just part of what keeps me up at night.
What keeps me feeling the anxiety? $$$ I have no money. zilch! My dad just bought me a car $500 and he's gonna make a list of how much money i owe him. Medication cost money $50 for my anti-depressants $25 for my stabilizer to help so i more stable and don't have bad anxiety $5 for anti-anxiety pills $5 for my sleeping pills
Then to meet with the gal that gives me medication advice and prescribes them its $131 to meet with her for just 30 minz. Then I need to get a life coach (councilor) and that's gonna cost a lot of money and I need to see the life coach weekly. HOW THE HELL AM I TO MAKE IT ON MY OWN IF WHEN I DO MAKE MONEY ALL MY MONEY GOES TO MEDICAL????
My weight, I'll lay in bed plan out my day, my intake, my workouts, what i will and what i will not allow myself to eat. I've gained so much weight it's hard to go up the stairs... well not now since i've been losing weight. It's just so frustrating.
Friends... I have 3 close friends 1 is married and the other two are parents. I had one friend I use to do things with but she's dropped me. I don't know what i did or what or why. I feel alone I have no social life. don't get me wrong I do love the friends i do have but I wanna have friends that are not tied down.
And I have trouble with a guy. Thought he was my friend turned out he mentally manipulated me. Used me... I'm working on breaking off ties with him, yet I still care for him. and that makes it hard. I get so much anxiety when I see him around I've gone and vomited from the anxiety. I have guilt for letting him manipulate me cuz in my patriarchal blessing it warned me about guys like him, and i didn't realize what was going on until it was too late.
That's just part of what keeps me up at night.
LITTLE FATTIE
... is how i feel.
I want to feel good about myself but all i'm thinking bout is binging not good.
I'm gonna be good and avoid going on a binge because it's not worth it.
I'd just hate myself even worse than I did before.
I went to my grandpa's house and saw two chocolate bars thought of just taking one and shoving the whole thing in my mouth. I didn't I came hope blended up some frozen strawberries and water and some chocolate protein powder. I'm glad I was able to avoid the binge but I'm still fighting it... but I think this drink will help.
Sorry that my blogs have been about food lately... it's just what's been on my mind.
What is something you'd like to have me blog about?
Let me know...
Thank you
Britni
I want to feel good about myself but all i'm thinking bout is binging not good.
I'm gonna be good and avoid going on a binge because it's not worth it.
I'd just hate myself even worse than I did before.
I went to my grandpa's house and saw two chocolate bars thought of just taking one and shoving the whole thing in my mouth. I didn't I came hope blended up some frozen strawberries and water and some chocolate protein powder. I'm glad I was able to avoid the binge but I'm still fighting it... but I think this drink will help.
Sorry that my blogs have been about food lately... it's just what's been on my mind.
What is something you'd like to have me blog about?
Let me know...
Thank you
Britni
DO YOU EVER ASK YOURSELF...
... How did i get myself into this MESS?
How did I get into this ED? How did I allow myself to be consumed by every Morsel of food? I love that I've lost 16 pounds in 8 days yet I'm so freaking weak(got up to use the restroom and everything was black and I was seeing stars)... I don't want to eat. I feel so much anxiety when it comes to eating. I want so badly to be THIN THIN THIN!!!! I'm so sick of being FAT! I won't be FAT I WON'T WON'T WON'T I REFUSE TO EAT until I'm out of the two hundreds I'm 228.4lbs today so I say I won't eat until I've lost about 30 pounds if I keep losing two pounds a day that's 15 more days without food. but then I'll wanna not eat until I get into the 180's then not eat till i get to 160... it's an endless cycle... It's all I think about.
How did I get into this ED? How did I allow myself to be consumed by every Morsel of food? I love that I've lost 16 pounds in 8 days yet I'm so freaking weak(got up to use the restroom and everything was black and I was seeing stars)... I don't want to eat. I feel so much anxiety when it comes to eating. I want so badly to be THIN THIN THIN!!!! I'm so sick of being FAT! I won't be FAT I WON'T WON'T WON'T I REFUSE TO EAT until I'm out of the two hundreds I'm 228.4lbs today so I say I won't eat until I've lost about 30 pounds if I keep losing two pounds a day that's 15 more days without food. but then I'll wanna not eat until I get into the 180's then not eat till i get to 160... it's an endless cycle... It's all I think about.
Those that know me in person, this is hard for me to admit that I'm doing this to myself. I just need to vent. Don't go running off telling my parents. If you have any concerns talk to me.
MY PLAN TO LOSE WEIGHT
They come in Chocolate, Vanilla, and Strawberry. I like to mix them with frozen berries from our freezer and I use water, but you could use milk. It’s only 280 cals a serving and the packet itself is one serving. So you can consume one packet and just use it sparingly through out the day or you can do one for each meal.
This is the brand I’m using. My dad bought it and then stopped using it so he gave it to me. =) When I lose weight the quickest it’s been this or the Master Cleanse. I lose weight in a snap but I feel deprived and end up binging. SO that’s why I’m EDNOS I’ll starve then binge then repeat the cycle.
This is another whey protein drink I have and I mix it with water… This one I took my diet pills and crushed them up so they were powder and I added them to this whey protein drink so I get my diet pills without taking pills. =)
The Jillian Michaels workout 30 day shred. I’m doing this workout one day the next day I’m doing just cardio like jogging… I switch the two off every other day.
And of course I’m drinking lots of water water water
And of course I’m drinking lots of water water water
And my diet drinks...
THE GLAD GAME
"When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will."
And when we do that life seem more negative and harder to deal with.
I've been watching Pollyanna and in the show she plays this game called The Glad Game
Pollyanna Whittier, a young orphan who goes to live in Beldingsville, Vermont, with her wealthy but stern Aunt Polly. Pollyanna's philosophy of life centers on what she calls "The Glad Game", an optimistic attitude she learned from her father. The game consists of finding something to be glad about in every situation. It originated in an incident one Christmas when Pollyanna, who was hoping for a doll in the missionary barrel, found only a pair of crutches inside. Making the game up on the spot, Pollyanna's father taught her to look at the good side of things—in this case, to be glad about the crutches because "we don't need 'em!".
So I've made a goal to find something to be glad about in my every day life, and today I'm glad I've got legs, legs that work. I'm able to jump, skip, hop, twirl, run, walk, jog, and tap. I say this cuz my sister dragged me out of the house today so we could go for a run... oh boy I'm so out of shape. But it felt good when i was done. So i'm thankful for working legs and that makes me glad. =)
And when we do that life seem more negative and harder to deal with.
I've been watching Pollyanna and in the show she plays this game called The Glad Game
Pollyanna Whittier, a young orphan who goes to live in Beldingsville, Vermont, with her wealthy but stern Aunt Polly. Pollyanna's philosophy of life centers on what she calls "The Glad Game", an optimistic attitude she learned from her father. The game consists of finding something to be glad about in every situation. It originated in an incident one Christmas when Pollyanna, who was hoping for a doll in the missionary barrel, found only a pair of crutches inside. Making the game up on the spot, Pollyanna's father taught her to look at the good side of things—in this case, to be glad about the crutches because "we don't need 'em!".
So I've made a goal to find something to be glad about in my every day life, and today I'm glad I've got legs, legs that work. I'm able to jump, skip, hop, twirl, run, walk, jog, and tap. I say this cuz my sister dragged me out of the house today so we could go for a run... oh boy I'm so out of shape. But it felt good when i was done. So i'm thankful for working legs and that makes me glad. =)
STRESSORS THAT CAUSE ME ANXIETY
1. School - I'm not in school right now, but whenever I think about going back to school I start to feel anxiety and I end up freaking out. I dunno if it's cuz I dont know what I want to go to school for, or fear of the unknown, or fear that I will just end up dropping out again and end up wasting money.
Another reason why I'm scared to go to school is cuz I was told to get tested for a coginitive - IQ Achievement and Adaptive test so we know when I do go back to school if I'll need any of my test done differently etc.
2. Job/work - I need money and a job where I can work full time and get benifits, yet I can't have too much stress at the job or my depression will take over and i'll end up finding a way to get fired or just flat out quit. I need to be able to go to a counslior weekly and not have that interfear with work. If I choose to go to school I'll need something to work with that, and I also want Sundays off so I can attend church.
3. Insurance - I need to my therapist she's the one that prescribes me medication, yet the insurance won't help cover for it until I reach 2grand in copay. So we pay it in full and have it count towards the copay but if i go over 12 sessions once i reach the 2grand they won't help pay cuz i went over the 12 sessions. I feel the insurance is just robbing us blind. Makes me furious. I'd call the insurance and threaten suicide and say since your not helping you'll lose me either to death or to finding some other insurance who will help me get the coverage i need so i can become a working healthy happy adult. They'll lose me as a customer one way or another.
4. Food/Weight - I feel as though I'm too fat to workout, too fat to get dressed up cuz my fat shows. I feel hopeless, I'll lose weight, then i gain it back cuz depression takes over and I end up binging, So i feel i'll never be the size/weight I want to be. And it discourages me.
5. Making decisions - I'd rather have my parents make my choices for me. I have a hard time making my own choices and hate living with the consequences. I also hate making my own appointments I'll do it but I'd rather have someone else do it for me.
Another reason why I'm scared to go to school is cuz I was told to get tested for a coginitive - IQ Achievement and Adaptive test so we know when I do go back to school if I'll need any of my test done differently etc.
2. Job/work - I need money and a job where I can work full time and get benifits, yet I can't have too much stress at the job or my depression will take over and i'll end up finding a way to get fired or just flat out quit. I need to be able to go to a counslior weekly and not have that interfear with work. If I choose to go to school I'll need something to work with that, and I also want Sundays off so I can attend church.
3. Insurance - I need to my therapist she's the one that prescribes me medication, yet the insurance won't help cover for it until I reach 2grand in copay. So we pay it in full and have it count towards the copay but if i go over 12 sessions once i reach the 2grand they won't help pay cuz i went over the 12 sessions. I feel the insurance is just robbing us blind. Makes me furious. I'd call the insurance and threaten suicide and say since your not helping you'll lose me either to death or to finding some other insurance who will help me get the coverage i need so i can become a working healthy happy adult. They'll lose me as a customer one way or another.
4. Food/Weight - I feel as though I'm too fat to workout, too fat to get dressed up cuz my fat shows. I feel hopeless, I'll lose weight, then i gain it back cuz depression takes over and I end up binging, So i feel i'll never be the size/weight I want to be. And it discourages me.
5. Making decisions - I'd rather have my parents make my choices for me. I have a hard time making my own choices and hate living with the consequences. I also hate making my own appointments I'll do it but I'd rather have someone else do it for me.
WHAT TO SAY... WHERE TO START... THE GLAD GAME
I don't even know.
I feel as though I'm hanging on by a string that's about to come undone.
(i don't even know what words to use to describe what i need to say or get out)
I had a complete meltdown last night. Told my parents that they hated me cuz they wouldn't take my to the phyce ward. I'm taking my medication. Cymbalta and I'm taking my clonzpam yet i feel i'm getting worse. I gotta be strong for Taresa and Erika, I gotta be strong for Katie and Sierra, I gotta find that strength, but what happenes when that (plan for strength and distraction) stops working?
I could tell it was starting to stop working but I refused to accept that it was not working.
I have people telling me to go out and do some service... I don't have any (whats the word I'm looking for)... I don't have anything against doing service, but my anxiety kicks in. I feel as though i can't breath, I start vomiting, I hyperventalate, Cuz the fear of the unexpected the unknown, what if i'm the only girl... I hate being the only girl... I feel so uncomfortable around guys. What if people don't like me? what if they think i'm too fat? What if, what if, what if?????
In 2004 - 2007 i worked at IHC in the food services department. Some day's they'd schedule me for early dish (i'd have to be there at 7am) I'd be the only girl in the back room with guys i didn't feel comfortable being around. and I'd stress all night long weather or not I'd wake up ontime. It got so bad i made myself sick. I'd have to go back home lay down with a garbage can by my bed. It's ridiclous!
I either hardly sleeping or getting 16 hours of sleep a day. I wake up and I can't find the strength to move, to sit up and get out of bed... so i just close my eyes and go back to sleep. I feel guilty when i do that, and that guilt causes more depression in me. It's an endless cycle that I don't know how to stop.
I do go out with my friend Katie and her cute lil sierra but with my depression being worse than usual it don't help. I went out today and I got anxiety. Almsot sat down and started crying in the store. I feel hopeless. STUCK... and hate to admit but i feel worthless.
I have watch Pollyanna and she plays the Glad Game... I need to find something I'm glad for Each day...
I'm Glad I've got my mom, she may not understand or even know how to help, but I'm thankful for her. Right now I'm don't even know how to help myself. I need that extra push/help and my mom has helped today talked to a few friends called my thearipist and scheduled me an appointment.
I'm also Glad I've got such a wonderful friend In my friend Katie, I do feel bad that she deals with depression and anxiety but I"m glad I've got someone I can go to, someone who understand. Someone who loves me. I can't even describe how much I appericate my friend Katie. She's a hero in my eyes.
I feel as though I'm hanging on by a string that's about to come undone.
(i don't even know what words to use to describe what i need to say or get out)
I had a complete meltdown last night. Told my parents that they hated me cuz they wouldn't take my to the phyce ward. I'm taking my medication. Cymbalta and I'm taking my clonzpam yet i feel i'm getting worse. I gotta be strong for Taresa and Erika, I gotta be strong for Katie and Sierra, I gotta find that strength, but what happenes when that (plan for strength and distraction) stops working?
I could tell it was starting to stop working but I refused to accept that it was not working.
I have people telling me to go out and do some service... I don't have any (whats the word I'm looking for)... I don't have anything against doing service, but my anxiety kicks in. I feel as though i can't breath, I start vomiting, I hyperventalate, Cuz the fear of the unexpected the unknown, what if i'm the only girl... I hate being the only girl... I feel so uncomfortable around guys. What if people don't like me? what if they think i'm too fat? What if, what if, what if?????
In 2004 - 2007 i worked at IHC in the food services department. Some day's they'd schedule me for early dish (i'd have to be there at 7am) I'd be the only girl in the back room with guys i didn't feel comfortable being around. and I'd stress all night long weather or not I'd wake up ontime. It got so bad i made myself sick. I'd have to go back home lay down with a garbage can by my bed. It's ridiclous!
I either hardly sleeping or getting 16 hours of sleep a day. I wake up and I can't find the strength to move, to sit up and get out of bed... so i just close my eyes and go back to sleep. I feel guilty when i do that, and that guilt causes more depression in me. It's an endless cycle that I don't know how to stop.
I do go out with my friend Katie and her cute lil sierra but with my depression being worse than usual it don't help. I went out today and I got anxiety. Almsot sat down and started crying in the store. I feel hopeless. STUCK... and hate to admit but i feel worthless.
I have watch Pollyanna and she plays the Glad Game... I need to find something I'm glad for Each day...
I'm Glad I've got my mom, she may not understand or even know how to help, but I'm thankful for her. Right now I'm don't even know how to help myself. I need that extra push/help and my mom has helped today talked to a few friends called my thearipist and scheduled me an appointment.
I'm also Glad I've got such a wonderful friend In my friend Katie, I do feel bad that she deals with depression and anxiety but I"m glad I've got someone I can go to, someone who understand. Someone who loves me. I can't even describe how much I appericate my friend Katie. She's a hero in my eyes.
I'M A KID AGAIN
Or at least it felt that way for an hour today.
I watch my friends daughter for her when she works... and today something happened. She broke a cord on my aunts exercise bike. No biggie the bike still works i can still ride it and work out... The cord that Erika broke went to the thing that tells you how far you've peddled and how many cals burned etc... but my aunt lost that... and if you know my aunt... she'll never find it so no harm done in the cord being broken.
Erika felt so bad though and it took her a lot of courage to come up and tell me that she broke the bike. When she told me I looked at it and kept looking and looking and couldn't tell what she had broken on it. I asked her what she had broke and she showed me. I asked her to tell me how it broke and she reassured it me was an accident. So I didn't punish her with time out or take away the TV or ground her from friends... accidents happen. So I get in the shower and get ready for the day then i come back out and Erika is laying on the couch, and it looked as though she had been crying. She goes "Britni, my heart is broken." That just broke my heart to hear her say that. She told me she felt so bad about breaking the bike. So I went and sat by her on the couch and told her it's ok she's not in any trouble, in fact I'm so proud that she had the courage to come forward and tell me the truth instead of hide and lie. So i took Erika out to lunch to praise her for her honesty and courage. That's hard for anyone to do esp. a little child.
After lunch we went to the park...
This is where i felt so much like a kid again.
Erika, Sierra, and I went on the swings... went down the slides... and had so much fun.
Some of the slides are meant for toddlers/children... Not adults well i put that adult self conscious part of me aside and went down those slides to show Sierra that they are fun that there is no need to be scared of a slide. It was so much fun. Stuff I have not done since middle school/elementary ...
=)
I watch my friends daughter for her when she works... and today something happened. She broke a cord on my aunts exercise bike. No biggie the bike still works i can still ride it and work out... The cord that Erika broke went to the thing that tells you how far you've peddled and how many cals burned etc... but my aunt lost that... and if you know my aunt... she'll never find it so no harm done in the cord being broken.
Erika felt so bad though and it took her a lot of courage to come up and tell me that she broke the bike. When she told me I looked at it and kept looking and looking and couldn't tell what she had broken on it. I asked her what she had broke and she showed me. I asked her to tell me how it broke and she reassured it me was an accident. So I didn't punish her with time out or take away the TV or ground her from friends... accidents happen. So I get in the shower and get ready for the day then i come back out and Erika is laying on the couch, and it looked as though she had been crying. She goes "Britni, my heart is broken." That just broke my heart to hear her say that. She told me she felt so bad about breaking the bike. So I went and sat by her on the couch and told her it's ok she's not in any trouble, in fact I'm so proud that she had the courage to come forward and tell me the truth instead of hide and lie. So i took Erika out to lunch to praise her for her honesty and courage. That's hard for anyone to do esp. a little child.
After lunch we went to the park...
This is where i felt so much like a kid again.
Erika, Sierra, and I went on the swings... went down the slides... and had so much fun.
Some of the slides are meant for toddlers/children... Not adults well i put that adult self conscious part of me aside and went down those slides to show Sierra that they are fun that there is no need to be scared of a slide. It was so much fun. Stuff I have not done since middle school/elementary ...
=)
I DON'T GET IT... UPDATE... AND THANK YOU
This may be a little TMI depending on who you are...
But I had my period the entire month of December then no period until 2 weeks ago... and now I'm on my period again... I had a week with no period.... WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME??????
So I had a rough week last week... I think Sadie's death was the final straw and caused a breakdown. But I was able to talk to one of my good friends who lives in Texas... Chow I love you and I am so glad you're in my life. Talking to my friend getting updated with how she's doing helped distract me from what I was feeling and I felt better. The next day another good friend of mine Taresa and her daughter Erika we went to the aquarium... saw sharks, fish, spiders, the penguins and just had a lot of fun. I was able to focus on the present instead of the past. Those two days helped get me back on track. Friends are amazing... They help you without even knowing they help.
I want to thank you who know me in person who have emailed me or stopped by to help me feel even better. I really don't know what I'd do without you all in my life. You have all been there for me, and I love you all so much.
Thank you so much
Britni
But I had my period the entire month of December then no period until 2 weeks ago... and now I'm on my period again... I had a week with no period.... WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME??????
So I had a rough week last week... I think Sadie's death was the final straw and caused a breakdown. But I was able to talk to one of my good friends who lives in Texas... Chow I love you and I am so glad you're in my life. Talking to my friend getting updated with how she's doing helped distract me from what I was feeling and I felt better. The next day another good friend of mine Taresa and her daughter Erika we went to the aquarium... saw sharks, fish, spiders, the penguins and just had a lot of fun. I was able to focus on the present instead of the past. Those two days helped get me back on track. Friends are amazing... They help you without even knowing they help.
I want to thank you who know me in person who have emailed me or stopped by to help me feel even better. I really don't know what I'd do without you all in my life. You have all been there for me, and I love you all so much.
Thank you so much
Britni
BEAUTY...
What is beauty?
What is TRUE beauty?
1. The qualities that give pleasure to the senses.
2. A very attractive or seductive looking woman.
When we think of beauty there are two ways we tend to think of it.
How kind, gentle, caring, a person is.
One who puts others before themselves.
Someone who knows who they are, A Son or Daughter of a King (our Heavenly Father.)
One who stands firm in what they believe.
Someone who loves everyone.
Those who may be having a rough day, yet strives to be happy and not take things out on others.
These qualities would be considered inner beauty. Beauty I think we should all strive for. The beauty that should really truly count.
Then there's the beauty we see in the media.
The perfect stomach.
The perfect arms.
The perfect legs.
The perfect face.
The perfect hair.
The perfect back.
The perfect hands.
The media points out the physical flaws of Megan Fox with her thumb.
Then finds a photo of Tyra Banks, Jessica Simpson... and says how "obese" they are.
What is Ugly
There are two ways two define ugly
Physical ugliness
Not taking care of ourselves by:
Showers, Combing/brushing hair, eating right, getting the right amount of exercise meant for our bodies, bushing teeth...
Inner ugliness
Having a sour attitude
Throwing fits
Being Negative
Telling others you hate them
Finding everything to be bad
Don't get me wrong with the ugliness/beauty... some of us struggle with depression and those of us that do we can set goals to look for the positive in things even if we feel it's the most negative thing that could ever happen. Some of us struggle with anorexia/bulimia/compulsive eating/compulsive exercising/Eating Disorders/Body Image, those of us who struggle with ED's lets aim to find the good in ourselves, physical and inner. It might take some work but I know there is good in everyone.
Now I would like your opinion... What is it that makes someone Beautiful? What makes someone Ugly?
What is TRUE beauty?
1. The qualities that give pleasure to the senses.
2. A very attractive or seductive looking woman.
When we think of beauty there are two ways we tend to think of it.
How kind, gentle, caring, a person is.
One who puts others before themselves.
Someone who knows who they are, A Son or Daughter of a King (our Heavenly Father.)
One who stands firm in what they believe.
Someone who loves everyone.
Those who may be having a rough day, yet strives to be happy and not take things out on others.
These qualities would be considered inner beauty. Beauty I think we should all strive for. The beauty that should really truly count.
Then there's the beauty we see in the media.
The perfect stomach.
The perfect arms.
The perfect legs.
The perfect face.
The perfect hair.
The perfect back.
The perfect hands.
The media points out the physical flaws of Megan Fox with her thumb.
Then finds a photo of Tyra Banks, Jessica Simpson... and says how "obese" they are.
What is Ugly
There are two ways two define ugly
Physical ugliness
Not taking care of ourselves by:
Showers, Combing/brushing hair, eating right, getting the right amount of exercise meant for our bodies, bushing teeth...
Inner ugliness
Having a sour attitude
Throwing fits
Being Negative
Telling others you hate them
Finding everything to be bad
Don't get me wrong with the ugliness/beauty... some of us struggle with depression and those of us that do we can set goals to look for the positive in things even if we feel it's the most negative thing that could ever happen. Some of us struggle with anorexia/bulimia/compulsive eating/compulsive exercising/Eating Disorders/Body Image, those of us who struggle with ED's lets aim to find the good in ourselves, physical and inner. It might take some work but I know there is good in everyone.
Now I would like your opinion... What is it that makes someone Beautiful? What makes someone Ugly?
AUDREY HEPBURN QUOTES & PICS
~~For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness, For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people, For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry, For Beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day, For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.
-- Audrey Hepburn
~~The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It's the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows & the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years.
-- Audrey Hepburn
RANT
So I've been uber down lately. I was feeling down before my dog passed away but that was the final straw. I'm honestly holding on with every fiber in me. It's energy consuming. And very difficult. I tried talking to my mom about how I was feeling and it's so very difficult, cuz she doesn't understand and she gets worried and she cries then i feel so guilty for being so weak. I don't know how to express what it is I'm feeling... I'm confused... I feel as though there is this big empty hole inside of my chest... I want to hurt myself (and fighting that urge is really tearing me down)... I want to take Benadryl (Yes the allergy medication) because it makes you feel drowsy... and that drowsy feeling helps me to feel numb... helps me to forget about how miserable i feel... I'm too fighting that urge cuz of how down I am I fear I'll end up taking more than I should and be in trouble. So I tried telling my mom how I just want to take pills and want to find someone to give me a blessing so we could know weather or not I need to be taken into the Hospital or if I have it in me to keep on fighting without giving into those urges. And my mom just said just take your anti depressant you'll feel better... It doesn't work that way... if the anti depressant was working I wouldn't be feeling this way. Yeah I'd still be down over Sadie's death(Morning) but my mind wouldn't be in the state it's in right now. I'm working on my prayers... working on communicating with my friends and family... yet i just want to rip myself to shreds I feel as though nothing is happening and I truly hate feeling this way. I in a way want to check myself into the hospital but we don't have the money... the insurance is (excuse my french) SHIT!!!
Insurance won't pay for me to see a therapist it has to be out of pocket money... HELL... If i don't see a therapist I don't get my meds and if i don't get my meds i get more and more depressed until I just can't fight it anymore. I don't want to die... but i know if i can't fight this without medication. I just don't know... i don't know... i don't know.
I don't want my family to be disappointed in me. i want them to understand how hard this is and how energy consuming this is... and when i say i fear i'll end up taking pills to LISTEN and not be scared and just ignore it... when i voice it... i'm asking for help... my mom can't sleep in my room with me the rest of her life/my life... if she loves me she needs to do what's best for me. Even if it's something my dad feels isn't right. If anyone reads this and can think of something i can say to my parents how serious this is... please let me know... so i can talk with them. I want to be here I want to enjoy life... I want to dance in the rain instead of cry. I want to have the best and be the best I can be and I can't get that or be the best with this depression... I need to get it under control... get it to the point i can manage it.
an expierence i had in 2008
I took 96 sleeping pills.
I went shopping at Target ran into Megan and Marilyn (Family Friends) I had the sleeping pills in the cart... Sat there talking to them doing my best to fake my happiness. Called my mom cuz I saw the Enchanted Soundtrack and i knew my mom wanted it so i called and asked if she'd like me to buy it. So i bought 96 sleeping pills and the Enchanted Soundtrack. I came home popped the pills out of the thing they were in since they were not in the bottle. (when someone is wanting to die is it usual they look for the best deals? maybe it was my way of crying for help) well as i popped them out I was counting to see how many there were. I took the pills 5-10 at a time. After taking them I started thinking about death... How scary that sounded... So i said a little prayer. asked Heavenly father to not let me die. I didn't want to die... i just don't want to hurt anymore...
about 10 mins after saying that prayer i started vomiting. threw them up.
I am to this day thankful that my prayer was answered... I do my best to think back on that day the day i took 96 sleeping pills the day I realized that I DON'T WANT TO DIE I JUST DON'T WANT TO HURT... I WANT TO BE HAPPY. So when I get feeling like i want to end my life... I correct myself saying NO I want to LIVE I just don't want to be in this pain.
Another expierence... well this one is more of a thought....
I was laying in bed and thought of Jesus Christ... How he had died for our sins, how he bleed from every pore... felt our joy... our pain... our sarrow... our everything... he felt mine, yours, your friends... everyones and did he go and buy 96 sleeping pills to end his life or to end his pain???? NO He did what he was ment to do... He never once complained... So that got me thinking... If he went through what he went thorugh and didn't give up... did what he was sent here to do... I can too. So I too use this thought to help remind me that i don't want to do anything to end my life.
But I can't do it alone... I need help... and I really wish my parents would understand instead of bitch and moan how depressed i am and how much money it cost to "make me happy" cuz then when i do feel down low depressed sucidial i don't want to tell them cuz i don't want to feel guilty.
sorry bout the rant.
Insurance won't pay for me to see a therapist it has to be out of pocket money... HELL... If i don't see a therapist I don't get my meds and if i don't get my meds i get more and more depressed until I just can't fight it anymore. I don't want to die... but i know if i can't fight this without medication. I just don't know... i don't know... i don't know.
I don't want my family to be disappointed in me. i want them to understand how hard this is and how energy consuming this is... and when i say i fear i'll end up taking pills to LISTEN and not be scared and just ignore it... when i voice it... i'm asking for help... my mom can't sleep in my room with me the rest of her life/my life... if she loves me she needs to do what's best for me. Even if it's something my dad feels isn't right. If anyone reads this and can think of something i can say to my parents how serious this is... please let me know... so i can talk with them. I want to be here I want to enjoy life... I want to dance in the rain instead of cry. I want to have the best and be the best I can be and I can't get that or be the best with this depression... I need to get it under control... get it to the point i can manage it.
an expierence i had in 2008
I took 96 sleeping pills.
I went shopping at Target ran into Megan and Marilyn (Family Friends) I had the sleeping pills in the cart... Sat there talking to them doing my best to fake my happiness. Called my mom cuz I saw the Enchanted Soundtrack and i knew my mom wanted it so i called and asked if she'd like me to buy it. So i bought 96 sleeping pills and the Enchanted Soundtrack. I came home popped the pills out of the thing they were in since they were not in the bottle. (when someone is wanting to die is it usual they look for the best deals? maybe it was my way of crying for help) well as i popped them out I was counting to see how many there were. I took the pills 5-10 at a time. After taking them I started thinking about death... How scary that sounded... So i said a little prayer. asked Heavenly father to not let me die. I didn't want to die... i just don't want to hurt anymore...
about 10 mins after saying that prayer i started vomiting. threw them up.
I am to this day thankful that my prayer was answered... I do my best to think back on that day the day i took 96 sleeping pills the day I realized that I DON'T WANT TO DIE I JUST DON'T WANT TO HURT... I WANT TO BE HAPPY. So when I get feeling like i want to end my life... I correct myself saying NO I want to LIVE I just don't want to be in this pain.
Another expierence... well this one is more of a thought....
I was laying in bed and thought of Jesus Christ... How he had died for our sins, how he bleed from every pore... felt our joy... our pain... our sarrow... our everything... he felt mine, yours, your friends... everyones and did he go and buy 96 sleeping pills to end his life or to end his pain???? NO He did what he was ment to do... He never once complained... So that got me thinking... If he went through what he went thorugh and didn't give up... did what he was sent here to do... I can too. So I too use this thought to help remind me that i don't want to do anything to end my life.
But I can't do it alone... I need help... and I really wish my parents would understand instead of bitch and moan how depressed i am and how much money it cost to "make me happy" cuz then when i do feel down low depressed sucidial i don't want to tell them cuz i don't want to feel guilty.
sorry bout the rant.
ALL JUMBLED UP
I don't know anymore.
a part of me just wants to give up and let go.
Yet the other part of me is saying NO you can't people depend on you.
What kind of role model would i be if i just gave up. There is a 2 year old I sometimes babysit who looks up to me and a 5 year old I watch who looks up to me. I can't give up on them. I don't want to give up on them. The children in my life (my friends children or my neighbors children since i don't have any of my own) are the ones who keep me going lately... but Since I lost my dog last week nothing is nothing. I get visual thoughts of SI (and I don't SI) of myself cutting my wrist down to the bones. Then I think of taking 5 benadryl just to feel numb... cuz i'm sick of feeling so much emotional pain i don't know how to deal with it all...
Had the worst anxiety/panic attack on Tuesday. Started out as feeling under the weather... ate dinner got sick got shortness of breath I held it together until i dropped off the girl i was babysitting then i came home and just lost it... full blown attack... couldn't breath... light headed... vomiting... sobbing... hyperventilating I've never had anything that sever happen to me before it was horrifying.
I feel like something is missing from my life... and it brings a sense of darkness whenever i get that feeling. I had my father give me a prayer and it gave me enough peace to get through the night... I just feel I'm losing it and i dunno how to keep going.
I'd go check myself into the hospital but I feel my parents don't agree with it. I FEEL SO LOST I WANT TO CRY CRY CRY AND SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP. I WANT TO BE BETTER!!!!
a part of me just wants to give up and let go.
Yet the other part of me is saying NO you can't people depend on you.
What kind of role model would i be if i just gave up. There is a 2 year old I sometimes babysit who looks up to me and a 5 year old I watch who looks up to me. I can't give up on them. I don't want to give up on them. The children in my life (my friends children or my neighbors children since i don't have any of my own) are the ones who keep me going lately... but Since I lost my dog last week nothing is nothing. I get visual thoughts of SI (and I don't SI) of myself cutting my wrist down to the bones. Then I think of taking 5 benadryl just to feel numb... cuz i'm sick of feeling so much emotional pain i don't know how to deal with it all...
Had the worst anxiety/panic attack on Tuesday. Started out as feeling under the weather... ate dinner got sick got shortness of breath I held it together until i dropped off the girl i was babysitting then i came home and just lost it... full blown attack... couldn't breath... light headed... vomiting... sobbing... hyperventilating I've never had anything that sever happen to me before it was horrifying.
I feel like something is missing from my life... and it brings a sense of darkness whenever i get that feeling. I had my father give me a prayer and it gave me enough peace to get through the night... I just feel I'm losing it and i dunno how to keep going.
I'd go check myself into the hospital but I feel my parents don't agree with it. I FEEL SO LOST I WANT TO CRY CRY CRY AND SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP. I WANT TO BE BETTER!!!!
FOOD FOOD FOOD CAN'T GET IT OUTTA MY MIND
It kills me to admit this... Cuz I know some people read this might show my parents and I don't want them to know how I feel unless they can talk to me and help support me instead of put me down. I feel they don't understand how I feel so when they don't they put me down and tell me to change my mind set but I can't. If it were that simple i would. But it's not.
CAN'T GET FOOD OFF MY MIND
CAN'T GET FOOD OFF MY MIND
Can't get it off my mindI can eat fruits
I can eat veggies
They are low in calories
They'll help me be thin
They can make me perfect
PLAY DOUGH ICE CREAM THE BOMB
But that pizza is calling my name
That ice cream yummy yum yum
Those doughnuts glazed and chocolate
When will this STOP?!?!?!?
It's getting so badI binge almost constant
It's a fight
An on going fight
If i keep eating
I'll get more and more stretch marks
I'll never be thin
I want to be thin
I want to be perfect
It's horrible
It has gotten to the point that when I eat
It feels as though my chest is tightening
There's something in my airways
I get short of breath
...
Then after I eat I feel sick
Sick enough to make myself purge
I'm to the point...
...Why eat if it makes me feel so horrible
I just dunno what to do.
...
I want to be perfect
I want to be thin
I want bones
SAD NEWS
SAD NEWS
Our sweet little Sadie dog was hit and killed April 15, 2010. Ali(my younger sister who is 17) was coming home from school and saw her on the side of the road. When Ali realized it was Sadie, she slammed the car in park and jumped out screaming bloody murder. Sadie was still warm when Ali found her. Ali was too heartbroken and hysterical and terrified to pick her up for fear of blood. Luckily two boys were walking by offered to help Ali bring Sadie home. When they picked Sadie up, her neck flew back (It looks like her neck snapped so there was ...no suffering.) She looks perfect, no cuts or anything.
PRINCESS SADIE
Passed away April 15 2010
You will be missed
ANXIETY/PANIC... I DON'T KNOW???
What is happening to me?
I don't know how to express...
What I feel...
What is going on...
I don't even understand it...
Sometimes I just want to scream...Pull my hair out...
Punch something...
Just to let it out
Other times I Just
Want to cry...
Cry for no reason...
CRY CRY CRY
I feel so alone
Like no one understands
They say change your diet
Go raw vegan
And criticize me
Sometimes I can't even breath
I feel as though my airways are tightening
And a tightness in my chest.
It's scary and very uncomfortable.
Sometimes it feels as thoughIce is flowing through my veins
EASTER WEEKEND
April 4th was Easter, and this weekend was also conference. I am a member of the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints (Mormon) The talks given during conference were really amazing. I can tell the speakers were inspired, they spoke about things that I was in need of hearing.
Elder Russel M. Nelson spoke about Family History. While listening to his talk I came up with an idea, I'd like to find my ancestors, their pictures, and a short story about them and put it in a scrap book. For me, I have a hard time realizing someone really existed unless I see and hear a story about them. I also believe this will make Family History Work more enjoyable.
Elder James B Martino opened his talk about baseball. A boy went out one spring day to practice his baseball skills so he could achieve his dreams of becoming a famous baseball player. He threw the ball up in the air and swung the bat and missed the ball, he attempted this three times, and missed all three times. The boy cried until he realized he needed a pitcher. Elder Martino spoke about trials and how our attitudes about the trials can lead us down either a good or bad path. We need to look for the good that comes from our trials. We need to learn to humble ourselves during our trials and turn to God. 5 things we can learn from the savior to help us during our times of struggle and trials are 1. He sought not to do his will but only the will of his Father. Sometimes we pass through pain and sorrow that we might grow and be prepared for potential trials in the future. Our mothers put us through pain... they take us to docs to get our shots so we can be healthier. 2. We must learn to not complain or murmur. We must always attempt to correct the problem and overcome the trial. Ask what am I to do? what can I learn form this, and what am I to change? 3. Seek greater help from god, pray during our times of trials. With help we get help and it can become an easier path. 4. Service... Serve during times of trials. Repent. 5. Forgive others and do not seek for revenge don't blame others for your situation. Christ said "Forgive them, for they know what not they do"
There were many more wonderful talks. One thing that happened this weekend that was not mentioned in conference just something I noticed myself. It had snowed, cold enough to wear a coat. Blossoms were on our tree... Yet our trees didn't give up, they dealt with the cold of the snow and they're still blooming. The snow will make our trees stronger it was there trial this spring. Let's not let our trials drag us down lets learn to rise above them.
Elder Russel M. Nelson spoke about Family History. While listening to his talk I came up with an idea, I'd like to find my ancestors, their pictures, and a short story about them and put it in a scrap book. For me, I have a hard time realizing someone really existed unless I see and hear a story about them. I also believe this will make Family History Work more enjoyable.
Elder James B Martino opened his talk about baseball. A boy went out one spring day to practice his baseball skills so he could achieve his dreams of becoming a famous baseball player. He threw the ball up in the air and swung the bat and missed the ball, he attempted this three times, and missed all three times. The boy cried until he realized he needed a pitcher. Elder Martino spoke about trials and how our attitudes about the trials can lead us down either a good or bad path. We need to look for the good that comes from our trials. We need to learn to humble ourselves during our trials and turn to God. 5 things we can learn from the savior to help us during our times of struggle and trials are 1. He sought not to do his will but only the will of his Father. Sometimes we pass through pain and sorrow that we might grow and be prepared for potential trials in the future. Our mothers put us through pain... they take us to docs to get our shots so we can be healthier. 2. We must learn to not complain or murmur. We must always attempt to correct the problem and overcome the trial. Ask what am I to do? what can I learn form this, and what am I to change? 3. Seek greater help from god, pray during our times of trials. With help we get help and it can become an easier path. 4. Service... Serve during times of trials. Repent. 5. Forgive others and do not seek for revenge don't blame others for your situation. Christ said "Forgive them, for they know what not they do"
There were many more wonderful talks. One thing that happened this weekend that was not mentioned in conference just something I noticed myself. It had snowed, cold enough to wear a coat. Blossoms were on our tree... Yet our trees didn't give up, they dealt with the cold of the snow and they're still blooming. The snow will make our trees stronger it was there trial this spring. Let's not let our trials drag us down lets learn to rise above them.
DOUBLE LIFE
Living a double life is hard
Telling lies to cover a secret
Do you even care that you're
Hurting people that love you?
How are you going to feel
When the ones you love find
Out that you betrayed them?
Do you ever think
Of the consequences?
Do you ever
Feel Guilty?
Telling lies to cover a secret
Do you even care that you're
Hurting people that love you?
How are you going to feel
When the ones you love find
Out that you betrayed them?
Do you ever think
Of the consequences?
Do you ever
Feel Guilty?
LOVE
What is Love?
Is there any such thing?
All I see are people fooling around.
No one marries everyone plays house.
I don't believe in love, or at least
The type of love when you marry someone
Guys are pigs all they care about
Is being single.
Tapping this or that
There is more to life than tapping things
So I ask again What is Love?
Where Is Love?
There is no such thing as love
I wrote this when I was feeling low... I know there is love out there, I just see more lust than love.
Is there any such thing?
All I see are people fooling around.
No one marries everyone plays house.
I don't believe in love, or at least
The type of love when you marry someone
Guys are pigs all they care about
Is being single.
Tapping this or that
There is more to life than tapping things
So I ask again What is Love?
Where Is Love?
There is no such thing as love
I wrote this when I was feeling low... I know there is love out there, I just see more lust than love.
ANXIETY~~~
Do you know those Pens and Lighters they are actually piratical joke pens and lighters. Cuz when you go to light the lighter it shocks you, or when you push the end of the pen down it shocks you... I get that sensation like I'm being shocked but it goes through out my entire body. And while i have that sensation it feels as though my inner body is trying to jump out of my skin... I call it the zap zappy feeling.
This is the best way I know how to describe it. It's rather frustrating. I talked with my friend and was telling her how i was feeling and she said, "Britni, that sounds a lot like what I have when I experience anxiety."
So this morning or shall I say afternoon I woke up and I was major zaps almost constant. So I still have some anti anxiety pills so I ended up taking one and my goodness i feel so much better. I woke up just wanting to go back to sleep cuz i didn't want to deal with the zaps. Now i feel like i can go about the day. I'm gonna pack around the meds in case it comes back I have something to help me stay sane.
This is the best way I know how to describe it. It's rather frustrating. I talked with my friend and was telling her how i was feeling and she said, "Britni, that sounds a lot like what I have when I experience anxiety."
So this morning or shall I say afternoon I woke up and I was major zaps almost constant. So I still have some anti anxiety pills so I ended up taking one and my goodness i feel so much better. I woke up just wanting to go back to sleep cuz i didn't want to deal with the zaps. Now i feel like i can go about the day. I'm gonna pack around the meds in case it comes back I have something to help me stay sane.
"EMBRACE THE NEGATIVE & SEEK FOR THE POSITIVE"
I went to church yesterday. I was just going to go to give the key to someone who needed the key, but then some friends came over and saw that I was struggling. They gave me hugs, told me that they love me, and my one friend sat with me for an hour and just talked. We missed Sunday school oops... but it was OK, I needed to someone to talk to someone who understands how I feel and lets me know it's OK to feel what I'm feeling. After talking we went to Relief Society and one of my childhood friends was giving the lesson, she shared this quote with us, it came to her one night when she was just pondering. The quote "Embrace the negative and seek for the positive". What a quote. I was feeling so low, it was nice to hear it. There is positive in the negative we just need to look for it.
I GIVE YOU MY HEART
I give you my heart
My trust, my word
I can't do this on my own
I need your help
your friendship, your willpower
I'm weak I'm only human
I need you by my side
Don't let me go, push me
Teach me to be strong
Be there for me
Give me the strength I need
So I can be happy and
For others to love me
I give you my heart
My trust my word
My trust, my word
I can't do this on my own
I need your help
your friendship, your willpower
I'm weak I'm only human
I need you by my side
Don't let me go, push me
Teach me to be strong
Be there for me
Give me the strength I need
So I can be happy and
For others to love me
I give you my heart
My trust my word
ACCEPTED
I may have zits
But that does not mean I'm ugly
I may weigh more than I should
But that does not give you the right to call me fat
I may be shy
But that does not mean that I'm stuck up
I may not be perfect
But then again who is? We're all human
Just accept me for me, and who I am
Don't ask me to be someone I'm not!
But that does not mean I'm ugly
I may weigh more than I should
But that does not give you the right to call me fat
I may be shy
But that does not mean that I'm stuck up
I may not be perfect
But then again who is? We're all human
Just accept me for me, and who I am
Don't ask me to be someone I'm not!
EYES PAINTED BLACK
Ice cold blood
Flows through her veins
She sees no future
And has no hope
Black streaming down her face
Knife through her heart
She medicates herself
To ease her pain
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)