It is New Years Eve today/tonight.
I've been thinking about the past years recently... Where I've been emotionally to where I am today emotionally.
This is the most positive I've felt in a long long long time. Probably since 11th grade ten years ago. I use to take Ballet and Jazz... Dance was my escape from life, then my dance teacher decided she wanted to retire of owning her own business so she stopped teaching. I ended up going to a new dance studio... it was not the same, I felt alone and lost. I lost the love for dance I once had. I didn't know how to escape from life anymore. I left for Snow College in the fall of 2003... and I really enjoyed the college I had great teachers, my favorite class was French. I detested my living arrangement, I had roommates and they all formed a click and didn't ask me to join them. I'm shy and it's always been hard for me to put myself out there... so I ended up locking myself in my room... and I found my escape in the online game world (Yahoo Dots) That was my life line. I'd eat one meal a day 5 days of the week and then regular meals on the weekends because I would come home. Home with my family was the only time I felt love and acceptance. I begged my parents to let me stay home after fall semester, but they were admit with me finishing the school year out. I ended up flunking spring semester cuz I felt so depressed and hardly left my room. I did have one roommate that honestly did seem to care... and I am thankful for her kindness.
In 2004 I made a "friend". This friend didn't always respect me, but he was the first close friend of the opposite sex that i had. I don't know why I stayed "friends" with him. I think a lot of my major depression came as a result of this "friendship" I had with him. I'd feel manipulated in to doing things that I never dreamed of doing. He got me to drink my first alcoholic beverage, and I never wanted to drink until I became "friends" with him. Once I started drinking I realized that alcohol had a numbing affect, and I craved that numb feeling. I have a grandfather who is a recovered alcoholic and I've been aware if someone in your family has an addiction you're more likely to get the addiction too. So when I had a horrible hang over I told my mom and gave her the alcohol... I didn't want to go down that path.
I still craved that numb feeling so I started taking benadryl. it was a legal drug so I didn't feel bad for taking it. All this time I was still "friends" with this so called "friend". in 2010 I asked my mom to talk to him mom... and he had told his mom that he hated me... so when my mom told me that... I felt so much pain I felt that I couldn't go on. I didn't want to die but i didn't want to feel this pain I was feeling so I took some benadryl (a lot) and then I toke some klonpin (OD) on them... I only told my parents what I did cuz a friend told me to tell them. I ended up going to the ER and getting my stomach pumped... I went into the psych ward... It was a needed escape. an escape i needed to put things back into prescriptive. I struggled still with depression a lot but this year around Thanksgiving I came to realize this is the most hopeful I've felt in a long long time. I'm thankful that I can feel joy and have my family and friends who love me and stand by me. I'm thankful that I can express how much i care for my family and friends.
I've been out of a job since June of 2009 and I'm feeling like I can hold down a job now. I feel like I can take on school. I'm also feeling like I can work on overcoming my shyness. I'm excited for this new year. I'm sad that I'm truing 27 and am just getting my life together but I'm so happy at the same time that I feel well enough to get my life together. Happy New years everyone. Hope it's a great one.
