So Small

So Small sung by Carrie Underwood

Yeah, Yeah
What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
its okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
but don't run out on your faith

'cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

it's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river that’s so wide
it swallows you whole
while you siting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you cant get it back

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else...
oh it sure makes everything else seem so small
Yeah, Yeah

Yeah, Yeah
What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
its okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
but don't run out on your faith

Love, is peace, kindness, charity, service. It’s ok to love others, yes it’s hard to share love when you’re down but it makes you feel better. Don’t lose that faith or the love

'cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

Mountains are trials, and sometimes we feel so small how can I face this trial alone I’m just one person, all we need is faith to make it through, we’ve got the lord on our side, he’ll help guide us to the right path.

it's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river that’s so wide
it swallows you whole
while you siting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you cant get it back

There are times our trials seem so big we get lost in our feelings and forget how to fight and we just wallow in our sorrows. Change how you’re dealing with things and make the moments count as they pass you by.

The Climb

THE CLIMB (sung by Miley Cyrus)

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

..............................................

What the song means to me

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

The negative voice in your head when you’re working on accomplishing your goals.

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

Sometimes it feels as though you’re going nowhere, when in fact you are, they’re just small steps. We take lots of small steps in our life. It’s the small ones that lead us down the path we’re going.

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Mountains are the struggles we face. We sometimes are gonna wanna throw it away, run away, just not deal with the struggles, thus it’s gonna be an up hill battle. We never lose, it may feel like we have lost but as long as we keep on working on we have won, it’s when we give up that we lose.

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

coping skills... people i can talk to... I have...

Coping Skills...
Go for a walk
workout
yoga/platies
deep breathing
watch TV
Stretching
positive self talk
vent
(others shared with me...)
something relaxing

calling a good friend

laying on the floor closing your eyes and releasing your muscles
doodling on a piece of paper
counting to 100 or however high you can go
singing your favorite song
writing
calling a good friend
Communication with others
naps
breaking pencils plastic silverware etc.
Pray
Read a book
Go to lunch with a friend
Organize

(if you know of more please share them with me)

People i can talk to...
Desi (my cousin) she's good at making me think about why i am feeling the way I'm feeling. and she gives good advice.
Dad - good at lecturing, giving me advice, and reassuring me that everything will be okay.
Mom - she does what mom's do best... comfort.
Kelsea - she gives me that spiritual uplift when i need the uplift.
Taresa - Good at understanding, and helping me know that i'm not the only one who suffers out here.
Katie - she deals with a lot of the same things i deal with she's good at listening and just being there for me.

Things i got diagnosed with...
Reading Disorder -People with this learning disorder have a problem with their reading skills. Their reading skills are significantly below what is normal considering the person's age, intelligence, and education. The poor reading skills cause problems with the student's academic success and/or other important areas in life.

Mathematics Disorder - People with a mathematics disorder have problems with their math skills. Their math skills are significantly below normal considering the person's age, intelligence, and education. The poor math skills cause problems with the student's academic success and other important areas in the student's life.

Disorder of Written language - People with written expression disorder have a problem with their writing skills. Their writing skills are significantly below what is normal considering the person's age, intelligence, and education. The poor writing skills cause problems with the student's academic success or other important areas of life.

ADHD (predominantly inattentive type) - is one of the three subtypes of Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

• Often does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities.
• Often has trouble keeping attention on tasks or play activities.
• Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
• Often does not follow instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions).
• Often has trouble organizing activities.
• Often avoids, dislikes, or doesn't want to do things that take a lot of mental effort for a long period (such as schoolwork or homework).
• Often loses things needed for tasks and activities (e.g. toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools).
• Is often easily distracted.
• Is often forgetful in daily activities.
  

Major Depressive Disorder - is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and by loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.

Social phobia -

Mental health professionals often distinguish between generalized social phobia and specific social phobia.^[1] People with generalized social phobia have great distress in a wide range of social situations. Those with specific social phobia may experience anxiety only in a few situations.^[1] The term "specific social phobia" may also refer to specific forms of non-clinical social anxiety.

The most common symptoms of specific social phobia are glossophobia, the fear of public speaking and the fear of performance, known as stage fright. Other examples of specific social phobia include fears of writing or eating in public, using public restrooms (paruresis), attending social gatherings, and dealing with authorities.

Specific social phobia may be classified into performance fears and interaction fears, i.e., fears of acting in social setting and interacting with other people, respectively.

Border personality disorder - (BPD) is a personality disorder described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person (generally over the age of eighteen years, although it is also found in adolescents), characterized by depth and variability of moods. The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; black and white thinking, or splitting; the disorder often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes, as well as chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.

I'm gonna be gone for a few days

but remember.
The best things in life don't last forever that's why they're called the best things in life. =)

ER Trip

went to the ER. took 16 clonazepam at .5mg took 5 water pills dunno the MG to those and 20 Benadryl at 25mg each.
I told my mom she ended up calling 911... I Hardly remember the ride to the hospital... I was so out of it.
They put a tube down my throat and pumped the pills outta my stomach. (I wanna make me one of them so when i binge i can use that to get the food out instead of vomit. I'm gonna google to see how to make one.
They didn't put me inpatient the let me out I had to sign a form saying I wouldn't hurt myself. blah blah blah... I'll try not too... but we'll see. I"m super tired so i should be heading off to bed.
Love you girls hope your doing better than i am

GOOD BYE

I'm crying as i write this.
I've been lied to too many times. I asked him to be dead honest with me. "are you and that chick dating?" his reply is "No, I'm using the bitch for her money." I'd ask him that over and over and over again and He always gave me the same answer. He'd call me non stop to the point I finally changed my number. I'm not believed by his mom that he would call me. I feel horrible I just want this pain to end but i dunno how to end it.
Come to find out Him and His Bitch are dating and in every way Married "except for it being official" I wouldn't not be so damn hurt if he would just have told me the damn truth, in the beginning, cuz the truth always comes out in the end. If he's Using her, makes me wonder what he'd want to use me for? I told him I wouldn't be doing anything i don't want to do. (cuz it makes me feel too guilty) But every time he called me I had that gut feeling that he wanted more than just to talk. I wouldn't bring it up and I've asked him to not bring it up so he didn't. but why LIE TO ME???????? I'M SO DONE!!! GOOD BYE!!!

Pills Don't Work

Love yourself unconditionally, just as you love those closest to you despite their faults.
Les Brown

like they should. i took 5 benadryl and an hour later i'm still not feeling numb so i took the last four (so that's nine in total) an hour later still nothing it's not numbing me so i took two clonzepam that finally worked but it's not working as well as it use to. UGH... It is either pills i take or i cut... sometimes i do both if the pills don't kick in fast enough.
Am i becoming an addict to pills?
I am just sick of feeling and i want to be numb.

Have you Seen Emma Smith: My Story

"Strength is not something you have but something with God's help you find."
- Emma Smith

I got the quote from the movie. I really like this quote.

quote of the day

When I live in the past, I live in regret. When I live in the future, I live in fear. When I stay in the NOW, everything's always okay

I'm gonna start working on finding a quote a day and posting it on here and then if i have anything to update on i'll share my updates or just leave it as is

Things I've Made

what i hate... what i like...

Hates it when ya wake up at 5:30 and can't go back to sleep and you're not ready to get up for the day. UGH... Oh well. Oh and I also don't like it when you don't wanna get up when you just wanna sleep in bed all day long. Why do we suffer with depression? What's the point of it? I also don't like when one scale says you weigh one weight and the other says a different weight... What is my real weight???? So enough about what i don't like...

What do i like?
I like the smell of rain, the sound of thunder, those happy moments even if they last for a few seconds, getting a good nights rest, friends, family, losing weight.

What do you Like?