Immense Pain

Lately all i do on weekends is SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP... and during the week I'm so DRAINED it's crazy you'd think I don't get sleep but I do... maybe it's my depression.
This morning I woke up in immense pain. well lately my chest has been hurting (not like an anxiety hurt either) and I went to bed with that pain last night and this morning when i woke up it was still there and I had immense pain in my back (whole back) like it felt as though the pain was in my bones.  I wanted to cry.  I was in bed and picked up my phone and called my mom (her room is right above mine)  I ended up going to the Dr.'s and they drew my blood and they are doing blood work... won't get results back till tomorrow or Thursday. They switched my anti depressants from Prozac to Oleptro... I went on  Prozac when I went into the Hospital in august and since I've been on Prozac my eating has been out of control and I've gained so much weight cuz of my eating :-(  and my depression has been bad lately... so I'm hoping this helps me get control of my eating and helps with my depression and helps with my sleep too. 
 Monday I got a call from the school saying that my name has come up on the waiting list so I am going in tomorrow to finish the paper work and I get to start going to school on Monday.  The class is Nutrition Assistant and it's only a week long course.  But I'm excited I get to go back to school... I've been missing it.  Then after the class is all over I've got to start looking for a Job with insurance :-( I'm gonna miss babysitting.  But I need insurance.

Why do we make stupid decisions

Why do we make stupid decisions?
In August I took some pills (not to die) but to stop the pain I was feeling.  I OD on benadryl and clanzapam. Clanazepam really helped with my anxiety.  Now I  am on this different pill for anxiety and it doesn't even help.  ARGH. 
I feel weak in my legs. light headed. and a tightness in my chest. and a tingling in my arms
Why did I do that? Why didn't I think of the consequences? Why didn't I reach out and ask for help?
Now I have to suffer and deal with the anxiety.  (which I end up just isolating until the anxiety goes away) So much for facing my anxiety.

I'm really starting to wonder... am I STUPID????

Like seriously. 
I was applying for insurance and they asked if I had a job. I told them no but i do babysit.  Now they want me to fill out this thing saying how much money i earn from babysitting. And have the person I babysit for write the state a letter saying how much they pay me etc. UGH.  I hate this.  I  refuse to fill it out.  the hell with insurance.

I went and got a new drivers license cuz mine expired.  well on the back it asked if I had any depression or anxiety... so I marked it now i have to go in to the dr. and have her fill it out that I'm still ok to drive. I'M PISSED OFF hell why should i be honest anymore. 

I answer honestly and it just comes back to bite  me in the rear.

I wanna be more profound

I wish I could express what I would like to say in a more profound way. I want others to be in awe as they read what I’ve written. I just want to be the best; I want everyone to look forward to my blog posts… I want to feel important (don't get me wrong I know I am important but I want to FEEL important)

 I am a member of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints (LDS aka Mormon).  We believe we can be an eternal family as long as we keep the commandments, Marry in the temple (house of the lord), and be as Christ like as we can.  If you're a member or are familiar with the principals we live by you'll probably understand what I'm saying better than those who don't know anything about Mormons.

I feel as though I'm too flawed to live with my family again. Too flawed for a guy to want to marry me. Too flawed to even enter the house of the lord.  (we need a temple recommend (be approved) to go to the temple, but anyone can enter the church).   

Well the reason I'm writing this is because I read a book and in the book this girl had a near death experience and she was just embraced by this peace the love of the lord. She was able to see her sister and grandma who had both passed away.  Then I watched I Survived Beyond and Back and the people talked about how they were surrounded by this peace the love of the lord. And I feel too flawed I feel as though I'll never get that, that I won't be able to live with my family again.  That I won't feel the love of the lord.  I can't find the strength to forgive myself for what happened. If I can't forgive myself how can someone else forgive me? 

I love my family so much I wanna be with them in the hear after.  I wanna feel the peace and love from the lord.  I need to forgive before... I dunno if I can do that.  

I wanna be happy, I wanna be whole, I wanna feel peace like I've never felt before.

I went to counseling today and was told to get this book... He Did Deliver Me From Bondage (This best-selling book is about awakening — becoming a whole new creature in Christ by putting God first, ridding one's self of pride, and developing a relationship with God that is closer and sweeter than any other. It's about being delivered from the bondage of lies, recovered by the Spirit of Truth, Jesus Christ.) Use this book along with Using the Book of Mormon and the Principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as they correlate with the Twelve-Step program to overcome compulsive/addictive behavior and other problems we deal with (anorexia, binge eating, sexual abuse, abuse in general, alcohol etc). 

A MUST READ...

I got this book for Christmas


It’s called A Future For Tomorrow It’s
written by Hayley Hatch Freeman.  As a
teenager Hayley struggled with anorexia.
It started out just losing a few pounds, cutting out fats, sugars,
wheat, and exercising 3 hours a day.  She
got down to 85 pounds and is 5 foot 9 inches tall.  This book gets you inside Hayley’s head how
she fought for recovery. 

I couldn’t put this book
down. It has such an uplifting ending.  The
book gave me hope.  I honestly want
everyone to read this book it’s the best book I’ve ever read.


I posted pics of Hayley in my pictures it's in the album A Future For Tomorrow

The image on the cover of the book

Hayley after she gained 40lbs

A Healthy Hayley Today



The Back Of the Book

"A Future for Tomorrow is an extraordinary non-fiction account of the
author’s actual battle against anorexia nervosa as well as a spiritual triumph
against evil.

You will be brought into the anorexic mind, shown the fierce war against
depression and self-depreciative thoughts and actions; and witness the gravity
of the destruction this disease can do.

A deeply edifying experience will occur as you journey with the author to that
eternal world. There, angels confirm to her gospel truths such as the intensity
of Christ’s love, and the sacred and holy nature of our Father’s plan for his
children here on Earth.



What other people thought of this book



"I highly recommend it to anyone who is struggling with or trying to help
someone struggling with an eating disorder. If I'd known things then that this
book has helped me to learn, perhaps I could have helped her more. It is also
great for the casual reader, an interesting view for those who have never dealt
with this kind of self hatred or addictive behavior. Surprisingly, for such a
depressing and scary topic, it is extremely uplifting and inspirational.
Definitely five stars!" Melody Litton



"A Future for Tomorrow is a heart-wrenching look into the mind and heart
of a young girl who struggles with anorexia and shows the reader what it's like
to battle the disease every day. While at times the story is sorrowful, in the
end I came away filled with the knowledge that for all those who suffer with
debilitating eating disorders, there is hope. There is promise. They can be
made whole again and look to their futures with joy and happiness as Haley did,
leaning on her relationship with Jesus Christ and coming to a deeper understanding
of her true place as a daughter of God." --Tristi Pinkston





"It's so nice for me to read about someone's else who had such a similar
experience to mine--someone who I could really relate to and vice versa.
Because one of the terrible things about anorexia is the feeling of being
completely alone. It's nice to know that there is someone else out there who
can really understand." --Micaela, recovered from anorexia



“It is very much an LDS book, but I would give it to others not of the LDS
faith in a heartbeat, because of the in-depth look into the eating
disorder." --Jaime Theler





"In "A Future for
Tomorrow," Haley bravely recounts her journey to the brink of death and
back again in a way that is both touching and inspiring.

The frankness with which Haley describes her journey is remarkable. She opens
her heart and mind to her readers because she feels called to let others know
how devastating anorexia nervosa can be."



BLOGS people have written about the book

Please read their blogs... well written.

BLOG 1

http://queenoftheclan.blogspot.com/2008/10/blog-tour-future-for-tomorrow-by-haley.html




BLOG 2
http://stayinalivewithstacy.blogspot.com/2008/10/future-for-tomorrow.html



BLOG 3                                                                                                                            
http://karen-hoover.blogspot.com/2008/10/book-review-future-for-tomorrow.html

I hate the memories

I was thinking about him today.
In 2005 it started... I didn't want anything to do with it.
I made a promise to him...

I should have gone back on the promise.
But I felt I had to keep it.
He said things...
Which made me feel guilty if I said NO later on
I didn't want any of this.
I tried to end it.
I didn't know how to end it.
I started to numb myself.
I didn't know how to stop it.
In 2006 I cried.
I told.
I tried to end it all.
Numb myself to the end

We didn't talk.
He said Sorry.
I  believed him.
Fall of 2006 we became "friends" again.
I tried to end it. 
I didn't know how to end it.
We talked.
He hurt me.
We talked more.
He hurt me more.
2010 I finally told
Changed my number.
We have not spoken.
          ...
I feel so much hatred for myself.
Why did I let him get to me the way he did?
I should have known better.
I hate myself for being friends with him.
I hate myself for getting to know his friends.
I hate myself for being weak.
I hate myself for being naive.
But hating myself won't change the past.
I wish I could just move on and forget about him.
I hate him but
I hate me more.

Coitus

Decided to watch The Secret Life Of An American Teenager... WOW every conversation is based on or around the word coitus. You know there's way more to life than coitus.

When I was in high school I don't remember talking about coitus. Not once. I'm appalled with how much TV shows talk about it now.  Yes it's apart of life, but for teens to be so caught up in it saddens me. 

I see my friends who were out of high school before they got pregnant (but are still single) and it's difficult.  I feel TV glamorizes it, makes it more tempting for people to  engage in coitus. 

It's OK to say NO, be strong, don't give in cuz you think others are doing it, and get the facts.