Freaking out inside, screaming

I'm freaking out inside, screaming, wanting someone to  understand. 

I don't feel worthy to share my struggle or my feelings.

My birthday is coming up January 1st. I'll be 29 and what do I have to show for it?  

NOTHING. 

No college degree. Never been on a date, never been kissed.

I've been used, manipulated, and treated like crap. 

I've struggled with depression, cutting, binging, and hating myself. 

I'm scared. and each day closer to My birthday the more down and terrified I get.

Hospitalizations of 2013

- July 19 I went into the hospital because I had planned out a suicide plan. while I was there we got to paint ceramics, and it is something now that I'd like to do more often. It is nice being creative. The doctor that was treating me gave me a new diagnosis of Bipolar.  I got taken off my antidepressants and put on Lithium and seroquel, I stayed on Limictal and my klonopin went up from .5 to 1mg and I stayed on the Clonodine.  I was discharged on July 31 from the hospital. When I got out of the hospital i was an emotional mess. Yelling at everyone snapping at people, crying over everything and nothing all at the same time. I was miserable. No one was happy being around me because I made their life a living hell.  
- August 28- September 4th  I was hospitalized again, I was having suicidal thoughts and I was a mess from the lithium. The night I was admitted I immediately taken off the lithium. I now take .5mg of Klonopin, 200mg of limictal (half in morning half at night), .1mg of colonidne (twice a day), Seroquel at 100mg and I'm on a new medication called viibryd at 20mg.  I started to feel better but recently I really want to cut and numb out with my pills. I really hate feeling so miserable I don't want to cry. I want to be happy.  I guess I'll just take it one day at a time.  it feels like my blood in my arms are on fire, in my veins. I dunno what to do. 

If you have had or have an Eating Disorder Please Help.

I have always wanted to write an article or paper of some kind to bring awareness about eating disorders, the eating disorders not just the two common ones people think of when they hear eating disorder. 
 
My points I would like to focus on are:
 
1. When & how did you get the disorder, what were the environmental triggers that brought on the eating disorder behaviors. 
2. Do you want to recover? If there is something that scares you about recovery what is it? 3. Have you ever been in recovery? 
4. What is and has been the hardest thing about having an eating disorder? 
5. What is or has been the hardest part of recovery? 
6. if there were/was/is something about eating disorders that you would want the public to be more aware about what would it be. 
7. If you could think of a way to make treatment for eating disorders more affordable, what would it be, in your opinion ?

These are my answers to the questions. 
1. From the time I can remember I have always obsessed over food. If my cousin was not going to finish her frosting off her cake I would eat it for her. I was never fat but I was never fit... I was somewhere in the in between until I hit high school. In high school my friends got on the cheer squad. They developed friendships I started to eat more. My mom noticed and would tell me to watch what I was eating so I could be more aware. My mom wanted me to be healthy but I would take what she said as an insult. It was not until I got off to college I would binge on food then not eat for a day. I got depressed and locked myself in my room. Then after college I had a friend who exploited our friendship. He touched me and stuff... I really turned to food after that.
2. I hate this binging its out of control, it controls me. I will go on a liquid fast and do good.... So I know I have control when I am fasting. Truth is I am scared to stop binging because I am scared of failure. As much as I hate myself and the way I look I find the fear more intense.
3. Never been in recovery.
4. Hating my appearance, being out of shape, feeling out of control, fear of what others think.
5. 
6. Eating Disorders come in all shapes and sizes.
7. Eating disorders tend to define who we are. So I would want every patient in treatment to find their talent (crochet, knit, paint, sing, dance or show off flexibility, share a poem or a short story, put on a little skit) and once every 6 months or so have an auction/talent show and a dinner the treatment center puts on for the public for a cost of like 10 dollars a ticket and the benefit can help the community to become more aware and the treatment center will use the money to help fund that treatment center.

how it feels

Feels...
weird...
Like my body is drugged...
Like my limbs have ice flowing through the veins...
Sometimes I can't breath...
A knot in my chest...
Nauseated...
Dull...
Depressed...
Sobbing almost to the point of hyperventilating...
Yet I still come to school... Go to work... even though I feel like i'm falling apart... would rather be in bed asleep. But i can't let this control me. I have to stay in charge and tell it to screw off and leave me alone. But It does not like to listen. So what do I do... I write... I cry... I'm talking more... I don't want to go where i was last time i felt this way... I know I can be happy again... even though it feels impossible... I can get through this...

Decided to look up anxiety symptoms...

To see if it explains what's going on with me or if I'm actually getting ill.
http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms.shtml is the sight i found the anxiety symptoms.
Diarrhea
IBS
Lack of appetite or taste
Constant craving for sugar or sweets
Nausea or abdominal stress
Numbness
Stomach upset, gas, belching, bloating
Difficulty falling or staying asleep(when is that not a problem though?)
You feel worse in the mornings
Suddenly snapping
Losing it
Always feeling angry and lack of patience
Depression
Feeling down in the dumps
Frequently being on edge or 'grouchy'
Feel like crying for no apparent reason
You feel like you are under pressure all the time
You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders
Having difficulty concentrating
Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do
Fear of making mistakes or making a fool of yourself to others
A heightened fear of what people think of you
Find it hard to breath, feeling smothered, shortness of breath
Chest pain or discomfort
No energy, feeling lethargic, tired
Night sweats, waking up in a sweat, profusely sweating at night
Increased or decreased sex drive
Flu-like symptoms, general malaise, feel ill, like you are coming down with a flu
Feel wrong, different, foreign, odd, or strange
Electric shock feeling, body zaps(not now but I've felt that way before)
Chronic Fatigue, exhaustion, super tired, worn out

It's Anxiety.

Update 4/16/13

Yesterday was hard... I gave into isolating myself. I have been trying to fight that, but it was that or crying all day long. I went to school. couldn't concentrate because my anxiety was so darn high. I went home and slept from 2-630.  got up and got dressed again and went to a wedding. (my best friend was getting married) my mom and i went together. While we were driving i told her some how i was feeling. I told her I'm scared to tell her. (cuz i don't want her to worry about me) I told her how my anxiety has been so high, and how i feel i might need to get back onto medication. and she said most people get happy when the weather changes from winter to spring. I told her some of the reasons what might be the reason I've been feeling so down and high anxiety. 
1. Easter break/Spring break in elementary school I was touched... I forgave the dude that did that (being that we were the same age and like 10 years old) He was still old enough to know he shouldn't be doing that but still young enough to not understand how it would affect me.   well a few months ago he called and apologized  and it has brought up feelings i didn't know existed. (when i told back in 5th grade what he did, he denied it and told me it must have been a dream) so when he admitted to it a few months ago... i knew it happened and I dunno how i feel about it. I'm thankful he apologized but I feel like i have some things to work through now.
2. 9 years ago somethings started happening with friend I didn't want any of it to happen... I'd fight back but he was just as strong or stronger, i finally stopped fighting not cuz i was OK with it but because he was gonna do it one way or another. I was friends with him until about 2010 then I said I can't do this. I can't be friends with someone who is going to bring me down. Told my parents i needed my number changed. asked my mom to apologize to his mom for me for not telling someone when he first started touching me. If i wouldn't have wanted to be his friend so badly all of that stuff could have ended years sooner than it actually did.
3. 24 years ago... April 12th My sister was born... she had died. I always have wanted to be her older sister. and sometimes i feel like I'm the only person that remembers her. I want to celebrate her birthday for her. But i don't 100% think that Maryanne is the reason my anxiety and depression has kicked in this time of year... yeah I'll admit I'm sad about not getting the chance to be her sister here/now, but I understand that tragedy happens.
Only thing I can do is work through this.. I'm not going into that dark place again. as much as i don't want to get on meds, if i can't work through this I'll go back and get back on my meds again. 

Britni

I want to go back to being "her"

I'm slipping back down. I'm looking for that rock to grab onto before I fall right back into that dark abyss. I'm not sure what has brought this on but I think i know. But before i go to guessing if i'm right about where this is  coming from I wanna know what's normal and what's not. Maybe i should go into psychology and learn these things. 
These things I'm finding on Wikipedia 
A fear of being touched, hapnophobia.
Specific fears related to certain characteristics of the assailant, e.g. side-burns, straight hair, the smell of alcohol or cigarettes, type of clothing or car. (his cologne) (or guys that remind me of him/wearing ball caps) 
Appetite disturbances such as nausea and vomiting. Rape survivors are also prone to developing anorexia nervosa and/or bulimia. (binging) and hating my body.
Violent fantasies of revenge may also arise.
May block thoughts of the assault from their minds and may not want to talk about the incident or any of the related issues. (They don't want to think about it). (yet i also want to talk about it too... it depends with who)
The underground stage may last for years and the victim seems as though that they are "over it", despite the fact the emotional issues are not resolved.(maybe i was not over it... and now it's resurfacing) 
More commonly, assaults are committed by someone the victim knows and trusts. May be heightened feelings of self-blame and guilt.
Whether or not they were injured during a sexual assault, rape survivors exhibit higher rates of poor health in the months and years after an assault,^[4] including acute somatoform disorders (physical symptoms with no identifiable cause).
They feel hesitant to enter new relationships.
and one i can't find... so if someone knows... please answer... 
I don't want any sexual contact... but lately I've been pleasuring myself. (ashamed to admit) I'll get on my iPod and go to a chat room and be promiscuous there.  I don't want to be that kind of person. is that common to not want anything yet want it at the same time?

I was cleaning/organizing my room and i found my journal and i started to read it. I had a complete break down. I was sweet and innocent. Now i feel dirty and unclean.  I wanted to read my scriptures and say my prayers. I was happy for the most part.  Yeah i did want to pierce my eyebrow at one point... made me laugh. I was excited that my dads friend and I have the same birthday. (January 1st) I loved dance. Dance was my world. I miss that me. I want to go back to being her. but after what she's gone through it's impossible to be her. I can only pretend to be her cuz I'll never be her again.

Mountains (redo)

Mountains

Conquering this mountain has always been a dream.  You don’t know if you’re ready but you’re going for it.  You’re scared to death. Just taking baby steps is all you can do, so you get started.  It’s a hot day. You can feel the sun beating down and you can smell the fresh mountain air. Today will be a good day. After a while, the terrain you are on becomes steeper, being out of shape, it is hard but you keep going.  The longer you go the steeper it gets.  Before you know it you’re on all fours crawling your way up the mountain. Finally the trail becomes level again and you’re able to walk. I’m doing this, I can do this. You find a place to sit drink some water and eat your granola bar for some energy.  Ready to continue you get up and start on your way, before you know it, the trail has become so steep that you’re not sure if you want to go on. But I’m going to do this, nothing will stop me.  So you go for it.  As you’re crawling on all fours you don’t realize that the rock you put your foot onto is loose so you lose your footing and end up sliding down the trail. I can’t do this. I quit. I don’t want to give up though. I can’t do this on my own. All these thought racing through your head as you’re looking for something to grab onto as your falling down the trail. You finally find something to grab onto, and you steady yourself then talk yourself into continuing your journey.  You are making progress, when you come across a cliff. Fear and panic sink in. You truly doubt yourself. You turn around and start to head back. I can’t do this, I can’t turn around and go back, but I can’t face that cliff. I want to conquer this mountain, but I can’t do this alone. You see a group of people walk past you, toward the cliff. You follow them then watch and see how they tackle the cliff.  If they can do it I should be able to do it too. Deciding to tackle the cliff you feel your eyes water up, breathing becomes difficult, chest becomes tight, and you feel nauseated.  How do I do this if this fear is so high? You see another group of people come up toward you to cross the cliff.  I’ll ask for help? I don’t know they’ll laugh. Just ask, the worst they can say is NO! You ask and one of the guys lets you hold onto him while he crosses the cliff. Relieved you can begin to breathe again. You continue on your journey. The trail stays pretty level  with little changes  the terrain. Pretty soon you’ve reached the top.  I did it!  You enjoy the summit. Taking pictures of where you’re at.  Thinking of what you had to face and accomplish to get to where you’re at. You feel accomplished joyful and peace.

Rough draft

Depression is like a mountain. To get to the top of the mountain is to be happy. You have to take steps and work at it just to get there. You'll come across a cliff and fear will sink in, you'll doubt yourself, wonder if you are really as strong as you were feeling this morning when you decided you'd conquer this mountain. You'll debate on going back, but then someone offers you their hand, you're not alone you can cross this cliff; you cross it. A little while later the trail becomes very steep. you're on all fours climbing, you end up sliding back down, but grab onto a tree stump, and hold yourself there for a bit, talking with your friend, reminding yourself you're not alone and then you get the desire to keep going again, even if you start to slide back down, it's better you try than to just give up. You'll reach what you think is the top of the mountain and be so pleased with yourself and find peace in the beauty around you, then you notice there is more of the mountain, you figure why not, I've been doing well here, I got here with the help of others, as long as i use the skills I've learned to get to here I can make it to the next summit. So you head for it. This one seems a lot harder than the previous climb. more cliffs than before, and even steeper, but you remember the low, and don't wanna go back to that dark place. You remember the first summit you hit and remember the beauty, and you know you want to reach that place, so you fight even harder. This time you're more open about your struggles.

Laptop buying

Yes I'm looking for a laptop for school. I found one at best buy and one on newegg.com I'm needing a laptop for school with Microsoft 2010 (word, excel, power point.) I want a good one. I'm not a gamer so as long as I can get online. check email. go onto Facebook, blogger, and netflix and do homework and such on it, it should be fine. I'm glad I've got it narrowed down to two.  so... if they have the one at best buy for the price i found online I'll get it... if they don't I'll look into see what one ships fastest and go with that one. eeks... yippy I'm getting a new laptop.

Hope you enjoy some of my fav quotes as much as i do. ENJOY!!!

I don't know why but I just really love love love this quote.

I really like this quote too. Think about it for a moment.

Don't let the past take up more room than it deserves. Learn from it work through it. and Do what you can to keep moving forward.

Keep this in mind... and find people who will treat you well, because you are WORTH IT!

 You are strong... Look at what you've conquered so far.

  

A while ago my family went on a cruise and my dad left his wallet on the cruise ship... we didn't know how were going to get back to the ship because we didn't realize he left his wallet til after we had taken the cab to our destination. So i was freaking out. crying... I made everyone miserable. My dad kept saying Britni don't worry... everything will be ok. Long story short.... we made it back on the cruise ship and everything worked out. I try to remember that experience when I fear things are spinning out of control. Just have faith. things will work out. Maybe not how you planned but things will work out.

A HAPPY HEART IS A THANKFUL HEART

- Veggie Tales

I've learned that... and I do wish that I could have truly listened and understood their advice... but I didn't. at least i learned and i'm in a better place now.