This year is off to a great start

I've had bills I needed to pay from my suicide attempt in August of 2010.  My dad paid all but one off, the one that had not been paid off, my dad was making $100 payments once a month in 2011... I stilled owed a lot of money on that bill and with no job to pay the bill down I had no idea what to do... and I've been looking for employment since April 2010. so I filed for finical assistant... I ended up getting full charity on the remanding balance.  It feels so good to not have that debt hanging over mine and my family's head.  

I'm working on stepping out of my shell and it's been hard but I'm doing it little by little. I went to a New Years Eve dance by myself. I did leave early and I was beating myself up for coming home early.  Then one of my best friends called me and wished me a happy birthday and asked what I did for new years eve... I told her I went to a dance on my own but I felt horrible for leaving early.  my friend said to me that she wouldn't have gone if she had to go on her own, and she told me she was proud of me for taking the step out of my comfort zone that evening. When i heard her say I stopped beating myself up and focused more on I did step out of my comfort zone and focused on the positive I did. 

I have a long way to go before I'm able to talk in front of others freely, and comfortably. I tend to hide in myself and keep to myself in groups of my peers.  I am more motivated to step out of my shell/comfort zone cuz I can feel the happiness it gives me, compared to when I hide in myself it's more depressing, and I want to be happy, I am enjoying my happiness and I want to stay happy so if coming out of my shell is going to help me with my happiness I'm so motivated to step out of that shell I've been hiding in my whole life. 

Last month I went in to an interview at the D.I. and I got the job but I had to wait 2 - 3 months before I could start for an opening.  well 1 month later (this past Wednesday) I get a call asking if I'm still interested in the job. I jumped with joy. I've finally have a job... it's a temporary job, but it's a job that's suppose to help me gain the skills needed for the work place, skills to speak up and voice my concerns, to help me become more employable in this job market, help me gain confidence, and help me realize that I can figure out a solution to a problem or concern or question. I'm so thankful to finally have a job.  

I hope things keep going well... and that I can continue to grow with confidence and happiness. 

Then and Now... Happy New Years =)

It is New Years Eve today/tonight. 

I've been thinking about the past years recently... Where I've been emotionally to where I am today emotionally. 

This is the most positive I've felt in a long long long time. Probably since 11th grade ten years ago. I use to take Ballet and Jazz... Dance was my escape from life, then my dance teacher decided she wanted to retire of owning her own business so she stopped teaching.  I ended up going to a new dance studio... it was not the same, I felt alone and lost. I lost the love for dance I once had. I didn't know how to escape from life anymore.  I left for Snow College in the fall of 2003... and I really enjoyed the college I had great teachers, my favorite class was French.  I detested my living arrangement, I had roommates and they all formed a click and didn't ask me to join them. I'm shy and it's always been hard for me to put myself out there... so I ended up locking myself in my room... and I found my escape in the online game world (Yahoo Dots) That was my life line. I'd eat one meal a day 5 days of the week and then regular meals on the weekends because I would come home.  Home with my family was the only time I felt love and acceptance.  I begged my parents to let me stay home after fall semester, but they were admit with me finishing the school year out.  I ended up flunking spring semester cuz I felt so depressed and hardly left my room.  I did have one roommate that honestly did seem to care... and I  am thankful for her kindness. 

In 2004 I made a "friend".  This friend didn't always respect me, but he was the first close friend of the opposite sex that i had. I don't know why I stayed "friends" with him. I think a lot of my major depression came as a result of this "friendship" I had with him. I'd feel manipulated in to doing things that I never dreamed of  doing.  He got me to drink my first alcoholic beverage, and I never wanted to drink until I became "friends" with him. Once I started drinking I realized that alcohol had a numbing affect, and I craved that numb feeling. I have a grandfather who is a recovered alcoholic and I've been aware if someone in your family has an addiction you're more likely to get the addiction too. So when I had a horrible hang over I told my mom and gave her the alcohol... I didn't want to go down that path.  

I still craved that numb feeling so I started taking benadryl. it was a legal drug so I didn't feel bad for taking it. All this time I was still "friends" with this so called "friend". in 2010 I asked my mom to talk to him mom... and he had told his mom that he hated me... so when my mom told me that... I felt so much pain I felt that I couldn't go on. I didn't want to die but i didn't want to feel this pain I was feeling so I took some benadryl (a lot) and then I toke some klonpin (OD) on them... I only told my parents what I did cuz a friend told me to tell them.  I ended up going to the ER and getting my stomach pumped... I went into the psych ward... It was a needed escape. an escape i needed to put things back into prescriptive. I struggled still with depression a lot but this year around Thanksgiving I came to realize this is the most hopeful I've felt in a long long time. I'm thankful that I can feel joy and have my family and friends who love me and stand by me. I'm thankful that I can express how much i care for my family and friends. 

I've been out of a job since June of 2009 and I'm feeling like I can hold down a job now. I feel like I can take on school. I'm also feeling like I can work on overcoming my shyness. I'm excited for this new year. I'm sad that I'm truing 27 and am just getting my life together but I'm so happy at the same time that I feel well enough to get my life together. Happy New years everyone. Hope it's a great one.

My little Buddy is one of the best kids I know.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" little Joe asked as I was looking for a jacket to wear.
"No," I replied, "would a guy like me?"
"Yeah," he said enthusiastically, "Boys like girls."

=)

So I went in my room the other day and got dressed and came walking out of my room and little joe sees me and say "WOW, YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD!!!"
My goodness this kid is so sweet. I love how he makes me feel better about myself.  He's only 4 years old too. Just love this kid.


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BrazilianSpice -  Thank you for the advice on my last post. Going for a run would be a good idea. thank you.
and thank you for reminding me that God loves me and is here for me. =) you're a sweetie.

Thin or not - Thanks for sharing that quote with me... "when it's hardest to pray, pray the hardest" I like that. Thank you.  

Maybe It's True... and my food history.

Maybe I do use food to hid from guys. My counselor has asked me if I eat to make myself "undesirable" to men cuz of what happened to me with C. No I'm not doing that cuz I do want a guy to like me. I want to be desirable.  Well when I found out that some guy I use to work with liked me... I freaked out inside. My first thoughts are...  what are his intentions? Does he really like me for me? or will he manipulate me pressure me to do things I absloutly don't want to do? That's what C did to me, so I now don't trust guys when they tell me that they like me. I want to run and hide, and BINGE. and that's something I can not do, if I want to find inner peace. Binging causes me more emotional pain then I need. It causes me to self loath myself. 

I was asked to do a food history of my life.  I don't think I ever had a 100% healthy relationship with food. I loved food, and I enjoyed food. I always remember going to my grandparents house for birthday and getting the icing on the cake and eating others icing someone didn't want.  I loved it. SO YUMMY!!! But I didn't turn to food for comfort... that's what my dancing was for.  When my parents got separated when I was in High School I would go to dance... and dance, dance, and dance. Then I'd get in the car and cry cuz I would have to go home, where my home was not a home cuz my family was not together.  Dance is what helped me cope through that time.  Once I had to quit dance and move on to college and then looking for jobs I couldn't use dance and my escape and Food become my comfort.  I remember my first year of college I lived in off campus housing... I would only eat one meal a day.  nothing else.  Then as my depression grew... and a friend influenced me badly and manipulated me and pressured me, I turned to food even more... sometimes I'd turn away from food.  I'd have "control" for 10 days here 3 days there then binge binge binge binge and binge. I also turned to cutting, and banging my head against walls and shelves (inflicting pain on myself in one way or another) I would purge my food up every so often. I also turned to alcohol.  I would drink alone in my room just to numb myself.  I finally told my mom when I was experiencing a horrible hangover, and handed over my stash of alcohol. I didn't want to become an alcoholic, and I still don't ever wanna be an alcoholic.  I did like the numb feeling it did bring. so I started using Benadryl... it numbs you. I've came to realize you get more of the numbing affect if you starve/deprive yourself from food.  But I don't want to become a pill popper so my first choice is food to help me when I don't know how to cope, then pills, then self harm (hitting myself, cutting, pulling my hair, pinching myself)

That's all I'm gonna say for now. 

Brit

Why is it so difficult (spiritual)

I am not sure why it's so difficult for me to kneel down and pray. Am I scared? If I'm scared, what am I scared of?  Scared that Heavenly Father will roll his eyes and mumble under his breath stop being so dramatic? (my dad has said that to me when I was crying and struggling) Scared that I won't be heard? (a lot in life I will say something and I feel no one will acknowledged what I have said... and being shy doesn't help cuz then it makes it harder to talk when I'm not acknowledged) Because I feel unworthy to pray/ that I have sinned too much to even have my prayers answered? 

I don't like feeling like I need to pray when I'm so scared to do so. I want to understand why it's so difficult for me to pray. I know that Heavenly Father is real, and that Jesus Christ came to earth and suffered and died for us, and I know the holy ghost is real, I've felt the holy ghost. So why is it so difficult to pray?  Don't get me wrong I do say little prayers in my heart for family and friends who may be struggling, I ask that they be comforted and know that they are cared for, but I feel I need to get down and pray, thank the Lord for all my blessing that I have, for my family and friends, to seek help and guidance in my everyday life, and to talk to my Father in Heaven like I do a friend and trust that he is there listening to what I have to say.  

I am going to take this a baby step at a time, I need to get over this and just kneel down and pray... so if baby steps is what it takes to get me there than that's what I'll do. 

Britni

I'm getting PUSHED onto The Back Burner...

I honestly feel like I'm being pushed onto the back burner.  Like I don't matter.  I'm struggling and I feel I'm unable to get the help I need. I'm not sure how to even express what I'm feeling. Voc Rehab has said if I need help to pay for sessions so I can see my counselor... I've tried getting a hold of them and I'm not hearing a thing.  Why can't they let me know what's going on?  They've set me up with an employment specialist (the employment specialist works for Valley Services, a place that's helping me find a job) and she tells me that my Voc Rehab counselor told her that they can't help pay for counseling... Why can't my Voc Rehab counselor call me and tell me that herself? 

I know the economy is crap right now and it's hell to find a job... I'm looking for night/graves, you'd think I'd be able to find something out there, most people want day shifts.  I've not heard a single thing back, I've been calling the places after I applied... yet I have heard nothing. Not hearing anything back... it's killing me inside.

I'm stressing out what to do about meds... I am not sleeping well... I just don't know if I can do this much longer.  I want to give up... it's too much. 

I dunno what to tittle this....

I am just sitting here with my "puppy" (I don't think she's considered a puppy anymore but I guess how like our parents will call us their babies even when we're 18 or whatever age, that's how I view my dog.  She'll always be my little puppy.) and I'm feeling this surge of anxiety.  Oh yippy =) 

I'm looking for a job, I'm wanting to work graveyard, cuz I'd feel most comfortable doing graveyard work schedule.  I can't think of any excuses to not work a job all night, but during day time hours I can come up with excuse after excuse after excuse.  

My sister A and I fight a lot... (my sister M is the sister I put photos up in the last blog) we are too much alike in some areas and it causes us to bicker a lot.  She is holding things against me things I did when I was younger and didn't fully know better.  My grandma said to me that I just need to grow up, or one day A and I will tear the family apart.  It hurts, cuz I feel like I'm the one to blame.  When i fight with my sister (verbally fight, I don't do physical fighting) it's cuz I want to prove I'm right... and she has to prove she's right.  So I guess you could say we're both too prideful to walk away peacefully.  But it is not all my fault that we fight.   So Sunday we are not fully getting along but not yelling either... she's treating me like I'm in her way... like she owns the place and I should know better and stay away.  so I ended up leaving the house and went to my grandma's just so I didn't have to deal with her, and two we wouldn't fuel each other into a fight.  Well when I got home I see my shoes where they weren't before... My sister had the nerve to taking my shoes without my permission after she treated me like I was in her way.  UGH it ticks me off that she thinks she has the right to do that... if she would have asked I would have most likely let her even if I didn't want her to. 

...I dunno... I'm depressed.... I'm tired... I'm irritable... 

I've been feeling conflicted lately, cuz I need to please other people... My dad is telling me to not give in to pleasing other people and set aside time for myself. Something i need to do if I'm going to conquer my binging habits.  It's miserable living with binging but I don't have the tools to change it on my own. So I gotta stop pleasing other people and go to this group I said I'd go to.  

REPLIES

ZERO - I also tell myself if so and so can do this/that then I can too. I think it can help us to achieve goals when we try to do as well as someone else or better, cuz it gives you something to work towards.

CAliChica - Have faith in yourself, and imagine yourself doing the jump... I hear that's one way to help you achieve a goal like a jump like my sister can do.... and be open to advice from other people and put what they say into action and you'll have that jump down. I took dance class at high school and I also took dance outside of high school... I miss it. But I'm glad you're able to dance, even if it's just a class you're taking in high school. 

Why do things come easier to one person but harder for another person.

My sister in the halls of her high school... Look at that jump.

My sister on the hood of her car...

My sister... Her drill Photo... Love that jump.  amazing.

My sister doing the jump like 10 feet off the ground... (actually I dunno but that's high.

My sister... I'm jealous of her... she's such a good dancer... I took dance all my life and have never been as good as she is... she has only dance for 4 years... this is her 5th year... NOT FAIR!!!!!

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REPLIES...

Silly Girl - You must live in a small town... That sucks that it doesn't show more shows. Hope you're able to see it soon and hope  you enjoy it.

Americaneagle - I hope you enjoy the movie when you can see it.  and you're welcome.

The Help

 

I just saw the movie last night... I've not read the book yet, although after seeing the movie I really want to read the book... unfortunately my mom lent her book out yesterday so I'll have to wait to read it.  In the movie there was a quote I really really like.... "YOU IS KIND, YOU IS SMART, YOU IS IMPORTANT" I think we all tend to forget this from our negative self talk to ourselves... so i wrote this down and I'm going to post it where I can see it every morning I wake up and every night before I go to bed. 

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REPLIES

@ Annie - I didn't do too well this week with my gym attendance.  I was so drained on Tuesday that I ended up going to bed at 7:30.Wednesday was a pool party for my sisters drill(dance) team. and Yesterday/Thursday I went and saw The Help... today/Friday isn't quite over yet so I should be able to make it to the gym today.  It's hard for me to use a treadmill, I'm not use to them cuz I usually well always use the elliptical, I'm working on changing that. 

@ Clear Girl - Thank you for the advice... Yesterday/Thursday I ended up sending them downstairs telling them it's quiet time for at least a half hour... it worked... I was shocked at how well it worked.  

After I read your comment on the font... I did change it... I hope this font is better... let me know if it's still hard to read.     

I am so drained

I have no energy today.  I didn't sleep well last night either.  I don't know what's wrong with me... I love the kids I babysit, I just feel so overwhelmed with them lately, they don't sleep in. they're so loud and hyper.  I guess your typical kid... But lately I am just so drained and overwhelmed that one little thing they do that I don't like  I'm sending them to their rooms.  I hate it, I gotta let them be kids and not get mad at them cuz I'm so dang tired. 

I am going to talk to my parents and I hope we can figure something out. When I was younger I didn't know how to discipline kids (my siblings) so I would spank them or I'd put them in the shower with their cloths on... I wasn't nice at all. and I'm scared if I get too tired I might lash out and spank them or give them an unreasonable consequence for something they did wrong. I think I might need some me time... but I won't earn any money if i take some me time.  So i feel trapped.  So goal is to get my parents together and sit down and explain to them how I'm feeling and see if we can all come up with a reasonable thing to do to solve this issue I'm dealing with. 

I found my day planner.

I went to the gym yesterday spent 3 hours there. It was so hard to walk the 3 miles or do the 5k  but I rode the 6 miles on the bike in a breeze... and swimming was eh.... I used the kick board I need to practice swimming without the kick board.   So I want to go to the gym every day this week except Sunday and do the "beach bum triathlon" my neighbor wants me to do yoga with her tonight.  so uhg I feel so overwhelmed.  Am I taking on too much?  I don't do squat compared to other people because I don't handle stress well, and i break down and i end up getting physically sick. I think I might be getting sick. 

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REPLIES

 @ Jen - Thank you so much, I'll check the book out... see if they have it at the library.  

I just tried the beach bum tri at the gym and it kicked my butt... that requires stamina. 

I'd love to talk more with you also.  If you want you can email me @ bbrit0101@gmail.com

@ Thin or Not - I don't think I'm as busy as it sounded.  I have friends and family that do way more than I do.  If i take on too much I break down.  I wish I could take on more and not let it affect me in a negative way... that's something I'll have to learn to do little by little.  

Hope all is well.