I am having a hard time.
I just want to be numb. I don't want to feel.
I HATE my body. My legs, arms, face, middle (stomach/back/sides), and my bum. I'm just so FAT. and I can't ACCEPT it. I can do so well with restricting, and fasting during the day then around dinner time I start to binge on everything in sight. Whenever I eat I get so mad at myself. I have NO CONTOL, NO SELF DISPLIN. I look at myself and I say to myself WHY AM I EATING? I don't need to eat, I have enough FAT on my body that I should not be eating this "poison." And then I take a bite. I don't even enjoy food, I hate it... I hate me.
I went to UNI (hospital psych ward) for a week in August, cuz I OD on some pills, and I was cutting everyday. =( It was good for me to get away, from all the temptation I was dealing with (with hurting myself). Well since I've been in UNI I feel like I need to be CURED of my DEPRESSION, but I'm not CURED. I still have THOUGHTS of hurting myself. Cutting, Pills, and Purging. I just want to be NUMB. I feel nothing works... The anti depressant PILLS, going for a walk, working out, deep breathing. I'm TIRED of FIGHTING this but TERRIFIED to stop fighting. I want to stop my anti depressants and never take any again... but SCARED of where I'll be without the pills. I know I need to tell my parents how I'm feeling BUT I'm feeling too ASHAMED that I'm not cured, that I'm still having these thoughts. I'M BROKEN
I'm feeling Like I'm also starting to lose my FAITH. In my paritchal blessing it says I'll get married one day and I'll be able to raise a family. How can I do that if I've NEVER even been on one DATE? People tell me everyday that I'm so beautiful. If I'm so BEAUTIFUL why don't guys ask me out? I feel all ALONE, UNLOVED. I can't deny God cuz I know he has answered my prayers before, but I'm losing my FAITH that I'll ever be LOVED by guy.
=(
I HATE this... I HATE DEPRESSION... I could NEVER wish this upon anyone.
Oh Britni, love. My heart broke reading this. I wish to heaven I could do something to help you - I'm sending you a huge hug over the internet. I can't take this pain away from you, but I wish I could. All I can do is pray for you and tell you that no matter what, you'll make it through this. Only when it's dark can you see the stars <3 My prayers and thoughts are with you - you are a beautiful, wonderful person. Never EVER forget that, ok? All my love.
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