I don't even know.
I feel as though I'm hanging on by a string that's about to come undone.
(i don't even know what words to use to describe what i need to say or get out)
I had a complete meltdown last night. Told my parents that they hated me cuz they wouldn't take my to the phyce ward. I'm taking my medication. Cymbalta and I'm taking my clonzpam yet i feel i'm getting worse. I gotta be strong for Taresa and Erika, I gotta be strong for Katie and Sierra, I gotta find that strength, but what happenes when that (plan for strength and distraction) stops working?
I could tell it was starting to stop working but I refused to accept that it was not working.
I have people telling me to go out and do some service... I don't have any (whats the word I'm looking for)... I don't have anything against doing service, but my anxiety kicks in. I feel as though i can't breath, I start vomiting, I hyperventalate, Cuz the fear of the unexpected the unknown, what if i'm the only girl... I hate being the only girl... I feel so uncomfortable around guys. What if people don't like me? what if they think i'm too fat? What if, what if, what if?????
In 2004 - 2007 i worked at IHC in the food services department. Some day's they'd schedule me for early dish (i'd have to be there at 7am) I'd be the only girl in the back room with guys i didn't feel comfortable being around. and I'd stress all night long weather or not I'd wake up ontime. It got so bad i made myself sick. I'd have to go back home lay down with a garbage can by my bed. It's ridiclous!
I either hardly sleeping or getting 16 hours of sleep a day. I wake up and I can't find the strength to move, to sit up and get out of bed... so i just close my eyes and go back to sleep. I feel guilty when i do that, and that guilt causes more depression in me. It's an endless cycle that I don't know how to stop.
I do go out with my friend Katie and her cute lil sierra but with my depression being worse than usual it don't help. I went out today and I got anxiety. Almsot sat down and started crying in the store. I feel hopeless. STUCK... and hate to admit but i feel worthless.
I have watch Pollyanna and she plays the Glad Game... I need to find something I'm glad for Each day...
I'm Glad I've got my mom, she may not understand or even know how to help, but I'm thankful for her. Right now I'm don't even know how to help myself. I need that extra push/help and my mom has helped today talked to a few friends called my thearipist and scheduled me an appointment.
I'm also Glad I've got such a wonderful friend In my friend Katie, I do feel bad that she deals with depression and anxiety but I"m glad I've got someone I can go to, someone who understand. Someone who loves me. I can't even describe how much I appericate my friend Katie. She's a hero in my eyes.
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