ALL JUMBLED UP

I don't know anymore.
a part of me just wants to give up and let go.
Yet the other part of me is saying NO you can't people depend on you.
What kind of role model would i be if i just gave up. There is a 2 year old I sometimes babysit who looks up to me and a 5 year old I watch who looks up to me. I can't give up on them. I don't want to give up on them. The children in my life (my friends children or my neighbors children since i don't have any of my own) are the ones who keep me going lately... but Since I lost my dog last week nothing is nothing. I get visual thoughts of SI (and I don't SI) of myself cutting my wrist down to the bones. Then I think of taking 5 benadryl just to feel numb... cuz i'm sick of feeling so much emotional pain i don't know how to deal with it all...
Had the worst anxiety/panic attack on Tuesday. Started out as feeling under the weather... ate dinner got sick got shortness of breath I held it together until i dropped off the girl i was babysitting then i came home and just lost it... full blown attack... couldn't breath... light headed... vomiting... sobbing... hyperventilating I've never had anything that sever happen to me before it was horrifying.
I feel like something is missing from my life... and it brings a sense of darkness whenever i get that feeling. I had my father give me a prayer and it gave me enough peace to get through the night... I just feel I'm losing it and i dunno how to keep going.
I'd go check myself into the hospital but I feel my parents don't agree with it. I FEEL SO LOST I WANT TO CRY CRY CRY AND SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP. I WANT TO BE BETTER!!!!