RANT

So I've been uber down lately. I was feeling down before my dog passed away but that was the final straw. I'm honestly holding on with every fiber in me. It's energy consuming. And very difficult. I tried talking to my mom about how I was feeling and it's so very difficult, cuz she doesn't understand and she gets worried and she cries then i feel so guilty for being so weak. I don't know how to express what it is I'm feeling... I'm confused... I feel as though there is this big empty hole inside of my chest... I want to hurt myself (and fighting that urge is really tearing me down)... I want to take Benadryl (Yes the allergy medication) because it makes you feel drowsy... and that drowsy feeling helps me to feel numb... helps me to forget about how miserable i feel... I'm too fighting that urge cuz of how down I am I fear I'll end up taking more than I should and be in trouble. So I tried telling my mom how I just want to take pills and want to find someone to give me a blessing so we could know weather or not I need to be taken into the Hospital or if I have it in me to keep on fighting without giving into those urges. And my mom just said just take your anti depressant you'll feel better... It doesn't work that way... if the anti depressant was working I wouldn't be feeling this way. Yeah I'd still be down over Sadie's death(Morning) but my mind wouldn't be in the state it's in right now. I'm working on my prayers... working on communicating with my friends and family... yet i just want to rip myself to shreds I feel as though nothing is happening and I truly hate feeling this way. I in a way want to check myself into the hospital but we don't have the money... the insurance is (excuse my french) SHIT!!!
Insurance won't pay for me to see a therapist it has to be out of pocket money... HELL... If i don't see a therapist I don't get my meds and if i don't get my meds i get more and more depressed until I just can't fight it anymore. I don't want to die... but i know if i can't fight this without medication. I just don't know... i don't know... i don't know.
I don't want my family to be disappointed in me. i want them to understand how hard this is and how energy consuming this is... and when i say i fear i'll end up taking pills to LISTEN and not be scared and just ignore it... when i voice it... i'm asking for help... my mom can't sleep in my room with me the rest of her life/my life... if she loves me she needs to do what's best for me. Even if it's something my dad feels isn't right. If anyone reads this and can think of something i can say to my parents how serious this is... please let me know... so i can talk with them. I want to be here I want to enjoy life... I want to dance in the rain instead of cry. I want to have the best and be the best I can be and I can't get that or be the best with this depression... I need to get it under control... get it to the point i can manage it.

an expierence i had in 2008
I took 96 sleeping pills.
I went shopping at Target ran into Megan and Marilyn (Family Friends) I had the sleeping pills in the cart... Sat there talking to them doing my best to fake my happiness. Called my mom cuz I saw the Enchanted Soundtrack and i knew my mom wanted it so i called and asked if she'd like me to buy it. So i bought 96 sleeping pills and the Enchanted Soundtrack. I came home popped the pills out of the thing they were in since they were not in the bottle. (when someone is wanting to die is it usual they look for the best deals? maybe it was my way of crying for help) well as i popped them out I was counting to see how many there were. I took the pills 5-10 at a time. After taking them I started thinking about death... How scary that sounded... So i said a little prayer. asked Heavenly father to not let me die. I didn't want to die... i just don't want to hurt anymore...
about 10 mins after saying that prayer i started vomiting. threw them up.
I am to this day thankful that my prayer was answered... I do my best to think back on that day the day i took 96 sleeping pills the day I realized that I DON'T WANT TO DIE I JUST DON'T WANT TO HURT... I WANT TO BE HAPPY. So when I get feeling like i want to end my life... I correct myself saying NO I want to LIVE I just don't want to be in this pain.

Another expierence... well this one is more of a thought....
I was laying in bed and thought of Jesus Christ... How he had died for our sins, how he bleed from every pore... felt our joy... our pain... our sarrow... our everything... he felt mine, yours, your friends... everyones and did he go and buy 96 sleeping pills to end his life or to end his pain???? NO He did what he was ment to do... He never once complained... So that got me thinking... If he went through what he went thorugh and didn't give up... did what he was sent here to do... I can too. So I too use this thought to help remind me that i don't want to do anything to end my life.

But I can't do it alone... I need help... and I really wish my parents would understand instead of bitch and moan how depressed i am and how much money it cost to "make me happy" cuz then when i do feel down low depressed sucidial i don't want to tell them cuz i don't want to feel guilty.

sorry bout the rant.