A&E HEAVY & how I'm realating

I'm starting to realize I binge on food when I don't know how to cope with a feeling/mood.  I've been eating 4 double cheese burgers in ten minutes(makes me sad just to admit this), and I still want more even if I'm not hungry. I could be stuffed to the point I can't move and I'll still be shoving food down my throat. It's miserable. I'm inching close to 300lbs (not yet but getting close) that scares me to death.  I want to break down and cry.  I can feel the weight gain... I can feel it in my back and hips and joints.  This is not living, this is called HELL.  

I've gone to an OA meeting the church I attend sponsors and I felt that they taught gospel principals instead of dealing with the issue at hand. So I now have the number for OA (non religion facilitated) I'm scared... not cuz I don't want change (cuz I do want to change and I do want help) it's just I'd go alone and I don't like to face things alone... it's scary. But I'm going to face my fear and go.  Is OA a walk-in or do you need to call and reserve a place in the class?  I was trying to figure that out so I could attend a class tonight but couldn't find the info, so I gotta look more into it tomorrow, and I will.  I've started watching this show on Netflix the show originally aired on A&E it's called HEAVY... I watch it and I cry cuz I see me in them.  It hurts.

Lately I feel so out of control with food that I want to cut.  I feel so mad at myself and rage. and I want to break things... like I've been wanting to slam my fist through the T.V. just because the channel is going in and out. I'm thinking there's gotta be something else bothering me deep down cuz that shouldn't get me so pissed off. I find my self wanting to cuss and scream and cry when I text and the word doesn't come up correctly.  What is up with all this rage/anger?  

I went to the H♥PE Clinic (it's a free clinic for those who don't have insurance and low/no income) for my cramps. The OBGYN and I agreed to get me started on the Depovera shot. I've been on it before so I know what it'll do.  

I need to call my physcitrist and set up an appt. to talk about getting my meds increased and I'm on my last refile and if that doesn't help me feel more stable I need to get my harmones checked. 

I hope I start to feel better soon.

On the bright side I started working out again.  Swimming. I've been enjoying it... I wish the happiness from the workout lasted longer than it did. 

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Midnitefyrfly said...

It is so hard when things on the inside are not right and only you see/feel them. If you had a physical diagnosis, then it would be so much easier for people to accept. Mental diagnosis are not as widely accepted or understood and neither is pain. I am sorry that your Dad isn't very understanding. I hope you find support from someone. Just know you are not alone :)  Thank you for your understanding and support :) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ S. said... Your parents doesn't always knows what's best for you. They really don't. Listen to yourself. Love Listen to myself?  I have a hard time doing that. Thanx for the advice and I'll work on it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jenn said...

Sorry things are stressful. Parental pressure is always a tough one. It was for me big time growing up - and still is. But thankfully, since I live on my own now, I have been able to learn to set boundaries with them and it has helped a great deal in our relationship and we are slowly mending the past. Anyways... You know what's in your heart, what you can and can't do right now, and you just need to find that inner voice and try to listen and follow it. I KNOW it's hard to find that voice when there is so much static in your head -trust me - but it IS there. Try not to get too discouraged and keep working with that voc rehab and they will help you find something that will fit "you" and that will be good. sending prayers and strength your way ;)

 

  Thank you Jenn, reading your comment gave me hope. I'll do what I can to tune into the voice and push the static out of my head.  I hope you're doing ok. 

♥ Thank you all for your loving words and support it means a lot to me. 

 

Too much pressure...

  feel my dad is too critical. it's so aggravating. he tells me I need to get a job. I don't tell him things like I've not been feeling stable so i don't feel I could hold down a job. and that when that time of month comes I get sever cramps get physically sick and I believe that with those two things I wouldn't be able to give 100% at any job. So I want to be stable and I want a solution for my cramps so when i do get a job I can give 100%. he tells me well I don't believe in pharmaceuticals you just need to be raw vegan and juice everything and that'll solve all your problems. (dad you're 230lbs what makes you think you know that is the answer... once you're healthy physically and emotionally and you're raw vegan and juice everything then I'll be more than happy to believe that the type of food has everything to do with how you feel) I hate it. my dad asked me where I'd be in a year from now... I told him dead (I said that without even thinking) I hate this I hate feeling so damn miserable. I'm so tired lately. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm working with Voc Rehab (a place that is helping look for a job and helping with making sure I'm stable enough to hold down a job) and my dad is telling to just go on ahead without voc rehab. I have a "plan" with voc rehab and I need to get a job to what's written in my "plan" yet my dad doesn't want to hear that... I have to get a job doing something even if its not in my plan. GOSH I'm so frustrated.
Last year I got tested for Aspergers  and it came back negative but the thing the people said to my parents was for them to not pressure me to get a job that it would be my counselors job to do that.


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CAliChica - Thank you.  I started working out again and I've notice I do feel a bit better after the workout. 

Kat not Jas -Thanx. I do need to focus on things I do like about myself. I've been so focused on the stuff I don't like about me lately that I've forgotten to look for the positive. Thank you. 

Feeling comfortable in your own skin...

Lately I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like people look at me and are judging me or talking about me behind my back. what is she wearing, those clothes don't fit her. she needs to lose weight. she wouldn't sweat so bad if she lost weight. she's too big to wear that size of jeans. I'm self conscious as it is and these thoughts are making it worse.

My sister told me that she purges sometimes. 

I was hysterical the other night crying to my dad. I'm so upset with my body and how it looks. I feel lost and I feel as though I don't know what to do. I told my dad I wanted to look like my friend Taresa, or my sister Maddi, or my friend Gillian (they are all tall and thin and beautiful). I don't want to look like my sister Ali cuz she's too curvy. (she's thin and beautiful but she has curves and I don't want curves). 

My dad tells me I need to accept my body the way it is, but to me accepting it means I can't do anything about it and I'd be miserable the rest of my life and I don't want to be miserable. I don't know... I want to be thin. I'm scared to say I'll do something cuz I'm too afraid that I'll fail and not accomplish that goal. 

I accept my feelings and me for who i am but when it comes to accepting my body for what it is... I run the opposite direction in tears. 

So my question is... 

How do I become comfortable in my own skin, how do I learn to accept me for me and my body?

ARGH

This might make me sound really shallow, but when I'm around others that look heaver than i do i still feel my fat rolls and I feel worse about me, cuz I don't want to end up being their weight or size. I need help

Been going through a rough patch emotionally.

Body image is playing a role in how I feel. My clothes don't fit, and the ones that do fit are few, so I have to wash my clothes like a lot more than I use to when I had more clothes that fit.  I hate sitting down cuz I feel my fat more, I'm out of breath just doing simple things, and I hate mirrors.  I was going to do the master cleanse this month, but I'd break the fast on the 16th and possibly the weekend of Taylorsville Dayzz (24-27) cuz we'll prob go to BBQ and there will be fireworks and fun get together with food. *rolls eyes*  But I'm going to look into SGD or something I can still eat without drawing attention that I'm not eating as much as I should.  I also need to find a workout I can do that won't rub my skin raw and that I'll still be able to move the next day/2days or learn not to push myself so freggin hard.

I'm feeling stress with looking for a job, I need a job cuz I need insurance and I need a steady income so I can eventually move out on my own, or to go back to school, and to pay for my medical things like counseling/meds/doctor visit.  Yet I feel so down that if I were to get a job I don't think I'd be able to keep it for long.  I've been having thoughts of hurting myself, and sometimes the thought of ODing pops into my head because I feel so (I don't know... I'm confused... I can't get these thoughts figured out) but I already am in debt from the last time I OD'd, that if I were to do so again I'd want to go through with it 100%, but I don't want to die, I just want this pain to end. I don't feel I make sense cuz I don't even make sense in my head of mine.

I notice that when I watch a show and something horrible happens like a death of a husband or one of their kids, or rape or just something terrible I find myself thinking gosh why do they fight to be happy it'd be so dang hard if I were them I'd just give up on life.  WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME  it's not RIGHT to think that way.

One good thing that's going on is the kids I babysit, they make me smile.  one of the kids didn't listen to me today so I had to send her to her room... she's yellin for me "BRITNI, I LOVE YOU."  "BRITNI, COME HERE, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A HUG AND A KISS."  it's so hard to stick to your punishment for the child when they are so loving  to you. I know for a fact that if it weren't for these kids I wouldn't be near as strong as I am.  These kids have a strong positive influence on me.

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           -    Thin or Not said...

That youtube video is awesome!  I agree, I thought it was amazing... I wish I had that talent.  It makes me want to start dancing again.   

- Gianni said...

I read your last post about wanting to cut off your fat... I've dreamt that dream too many times to count. I would go through the pain of surgery without anesthesia if I could be thin... *sigh* As for your video, she was a good dancer... but that song was just a tad on the depressing side. Not exactly something I want to hear when I'm trying not to eat. lol  I agree the song is a bit on the depressing side... the first time watching that dance I was thinking that would be a difficult song to make a dance to. 

WAY GOOD DANCE I FOUND TO THE SONG SOPHIE

Found this on youtube... really liked this dance... song is good too...
My sister watched this dance with me and said... "She's kinda of too good... shoot" Love my sister

Fighting this thought of grabbing a knife and stabbing myself

I'm not sleeping well at night I'm lucky if I get to sleep at 2am... I'm usually not falling asleep until 3 or 4 am, so when I have the chance to sleep in I want to take it.  Today my dad came in my room at 7:30am to wake me up cuz he wants me to work work work work cuz that's all he does. If my parents want me to help out around the house look for a job and whatever else I will (I am) but don't wake me up when I just feel asleep two hours ago. I tell my parents that I don't get to sleep till 3/4 am and yet they don't give a care if they're up I should be up. 

I feel like the dog is the only one who loves me in my house.  My dad told my mom that he's gonna start charging my brother and I rent.  How the hell am i suppose to pay rent if I don't have a job.  He wants me to pay for my medication, my phone bill, now rent. Might as well go get the knife and take my life cuz I won't be able to afford my meds, and I'm already struggling as it is so if I'm off meds completely then what? I fall down deeper into this depression.  I feel like my dad is digging this hole deeper that I'm already in.  I try talking to him about how I feel and his reply is well if you hated it so much you'd have changed it by now.  If I weren't majorly depressive disorder or had sever social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety disorder I'd be able to get me out of this on my own.  I don't know how to get me out of this flunk I'm in. Yet I try explaining that to him and he's like stop complaining. I'm so damn frustrated.  

I've been fighting this thought of grabbing a knife and stabbing myself in my stomach and cutting off all my fat... I want to do that so badly, but what will that do for me?  Maybe it'll end my misery and I could find peace and forget about every thing that's temporal (Of or relating to the material world; worldly) I could see my sister Maryanne and I could meet Jesus and my heavenly father, and be free from the pain I feel here on earth.  

I don't know how much longer I can fight this depression if no one in my family understands... I know they love me but when they don't understand it makes every day a living hell cuz they're all why don't you just snap out of it. or they're frustrated cuz they can't fix me and they end up yelling at me. I feel like a burden to my family. And I don't like that feeling. 

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REPLIES  ♥

Clear Girl:  Thank you, that's good advice.  The frozen grapes sound good.  ♥ 

I dunno what to title this...

Feeling down...

What has happened to cause me to feel so down?

I've got a family that loves and supports me.

I have friends that love and support me.

I get hugs from children almost daily cuz they love me so much.

Yet I feel I have nothing left to live for. I feel so much pain.  I despise the way I look.

I feel out of control.  I feel I have no hope.  

But why do I feel I have no hope?

I see friends getting married and having babies... I am alone in that part of my life... I think I'm scared that I'll never get that chance to have my own family. 

My bed is breaking cuz I'm morbidly obese,  I want to hide my body... I want to stop eating... yet I can't it's like an addiction to food... If I don't have the food I want when I want it... run and hide cuz if I can't get it I'll take it out on you.   I don't want to be like that.   I want to feel satisfied with the food I eat and not overeat... I want to eat less... and go on a fast and not feel deprived. 

I have so much more on my mind that I can't even describe.... 

Doing it over again expeting defferent results...

Why? 

Why do we do the same things over again expecting a different result?

Example: Why do I binge, then expect to feel better after, when I actually feel worse than I did before I binge?

Or

Why does someone go out and get drunk when the hang over is hell?

You'd think we would learn from our experiences yet, we do them over and over again expecting different results or hoping for a different ending.

I don't understand this. I binge and I feel so miserable after I do so.

Like last night, I binged to the point everything came back up, and I didn't force myself to purge, it made me sick... (I don't purge much maybe about 8 times a year) 

Last night experience made me realize, I need to change, I don't want to live like this, being miserable then binging for "comfort" and then feeling even more miserable after.

I want my clothes to fit me. My binging has been so out of control that hardly any of my clothes fit me anymore.  I want to hide. I feel so gross, I'm ashamed of how I look, I feel more depressed too.

I googled how to stop binge eating and found this website and I printed the stuff off... and I'm hoping this will help me with my binging, and next week when I see my counselor I'm going to talk to her about it and hope she'll be able to help me. 

Emotional Eating and Binge Eating: A Personal Insight From my own personal journey since I was a young girl struggling with binge eating and being overweight, and as a professional working for the last 21 years with binge eating and compulsive eating men and women who struggle to lose weight, stopping binge eating has taught me over and over again that it is their emotional issues, their emotional hungers that they keep stuffed inside of their bodies by eating that keep them living in the binge eating world.  It is their emotional hungers that keep them from incorporating and practicing normal healthy eating habits that would allow them to feel physically healthier, psychologically happier, have more energy, lose weight and be able to move more freely in the world.  Emotional eaters who suffer from binge eating spend most of their adult life trying to stop their binge eating by going on one diet after another rather than addressing the binge eating disorder directly so they can live a happy and normal life.  What I teach my clients at SolutionsWeigh Program for Binge Eating Disorders is to do exactly that.  Stop binge eating! Binge Eating Ideas That Work: Give a voice to your feelings.  The more you give a voice to your feelings the less you will attempt to swallow your feelings by binge eating.  Do you know how to perform self-soothing?  Most people with binge eating disorders don’t.  They didn’t learn how to self-sooth as young children for various reasons.  Instead, they have learned to use binge eating of food as a way to self-soothe.  But, it doesn’t work. Binge eating disorder and emotional eating is not about being out of control with food.  It’s about needing to control uncomfortable emotions that you want to avoid.  If you change your focus and learn the skills to give voice to your emotions and your feelings, rather than try to control your food, you will be amazed at how much easier it is to set limits with food. Do you always feel hungry?  Put down the food. Your inner child is starving!!!!! Take a moment to listen to yourself.  That’s not hunger you are experiencing, its your inner child who wants you to listen to her.  You are not paying attention to her. She doesn’t want you to shove food down her throat.  What she wants and needs is for you to binge on words.    Breathtaking, juicy, big fat dripping, wonderful, salivating, well done, binge words to feed your inner child of love.  Binge on words that will fill up that empty pit of hunger in her stomach with warm fuzzy feelings that you have been searching for your entire life.  Binge eating people so often spend most of their lives hating the way their bodies look and refusing to be kind to themselves because of the hatred they have for their bodies.  That self-loathing is not just about your body, its also a statement about yourself.  If you had a small child standing in front of you looking up at you with an innocent face, would you tell her how much you hate her because she is fat?  Never, so why is it OK to tell yourself that?  It's not.  So think of your inner child (give her an age) standing in front of you, starving for your (parents) attention.  You can ignore her, verbally abuse her, or soothe her.  Think about what your parents did to you.  Today, you have a choice, don’t continue to verbally abuse yourself with harsh words and criticisms that only make you the cycle of self-hatred continue.  You can heal those wounds, Think of it this way:  Adopt your inner child, she’s STARVING, she’s been neglected, criticized and emotionally abandoned.  If you saw a five year old on the street, your heart would go out to her, well that’s what your inner child feels, too.  It's not hunger pains you feel, it’s the child who never heard those words of love from the parents who raised you. At a recent retreat I gave, when the women talked about how much they hated themselves and what they looked like, and told me that they refused to be kind and say nice things to themselves until they lost weight, I gave them this picture of their inner child.  I told them to sit quietly and think of themselves at that young age, and think of who said those mean and cruel words to them and how it felt.  Look at this innocent child who did nothing wrong.  The tears came pouring down their faces as they realized that little girl was still inside of them, and how hurtful those words still feel today.  If you want to stop binge eating food, start bingeing on words.  Words of love and praise go a long way in helping build self-esteem.  Even if you think yours is broken, it can be repaired. Not by continuing the hatred, but by nurturing the wounds.  Binge on your kind words, they are non caloric and they don’t cost anything! Make a copy of this picture, and start feeding yourself with the following words: You are special I will always love you I will protect you You are wonderful I love you because you are my child You are the best You are soooooo beautiful Are you an all or nothing person?  Are you either on a diet or off a diet?  Are you either binge eating or not binge eating? Make your binge eating failures into motivation. Successful people are motivated.  They have plans that are manageable, which include failing, which is a pre-requisite to learning to change. Search for the 'secret' ingredient in your favorite food.  Do you have special foods you eat when you are binge eating?  Make a list of these foods.                a. What foods do you want when you think of the following feelings Angry__________________________________ Sad____________________________________ Lonely__________________________________ Frustrated_______________________________ Depressed_______________________________ Guilty___________________________________ Disappointed______________________________ Happy___________________________________ Anxious__________________________________ Powerless________________________________  b.   Next, think back to when you were young and try and connect each food with a family occasion or particular memory you have about your family or family members. For example, Jane always wanted chocolate jelly rings when she was upset.  They had to be a special brand that she could only buy at two specialty stores.  So she would stock up on them for those ‘just in case times’.  When she thought about the jelly rings, she had a memory of her grandmother sitting on the couch calling her to sit next to her, feeding her the jelly rings, and stroking her hair.  It was always a special time for Jane, because her mother was always too busy to sit with her.  So the emotional reason why Jane needed to have jelly rings not because the jelly rings were so special, but because she connected it to the closeness and soothing she felt from her grandmother every time she sat next to her and ate the jelly ring while she stroked her hair. Today, after doing the above exercise, Jane has learned to stroke her own hair, think of her grandmother and can get in touch with those same wonderful warm fuzzy feelings and bring those special memories back without eating the jelly rings. _____________________________________________________________________________ REPLIES Moonlight Mistress/ MLM - Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.  And Yes, it's so NOT FUN.

binging binging binging... HELP ME STOP!!!!!

I had a major binge last night.
ate a dozen doughnuts, and it literally made me sick.
I didn't mean to purge I just got so sick it all came back up. 
I thought maybe I was sick, but so far today I'm holding everything down.
Has anyone else ever ate so much that it literally made you sick?
I'm needing help.
I don't want someone to tell me to change the bad habits... If it were that easy I would.  I'm out of control. I don't understand it. 
Why do I do this to myself?
Why can't I eat like a healthy person eats? why do I want to starve, and see bones?  yet binge all the damn time?
I need advice... someone help... what should I do?

Hat I made

I'm learning how to crochet. I started leaning about January give or take a month or two.  I made a afghan for my best friends baby... I forgot to get a picture of the afghan or else I'd include the pic of the afghan.  My friend loves it she said I did really good. My other friend says she's shocked I did so well on the afghan since it's the first thing made and for the fact that I'm just learning... I had a lot of help with making the afghan from my mom and grandma. <3

So after I finished the afghan I decided to crochet me a hat... I made this hat all by my self. It took me about 8 hours to do (finished it in one day(keep in mind I'm just learning how to crochet too so I'm not fast at it yet)). Everyone is telling me how much they love it and that they are shocked I did so well on it since I'm just a beginner.  I'm loving the praise I'm getting. Helps me feel good about myself.