Fighting this thought of grabbing a knife and stabbing myself

I'm not sleeping well at night I'm lucky if I get to sleep at 2am... I'm usually not falling asleep until 3 or 4 am, so when I have the chance to sleep in I want to take it.  Today my dad came in my room at 7:30am to wake me up cuz he wants me to work work work work cuz that's all he does. If my parents want me to help out around the house look for a job and whatever else I will (I am) but don't wake me up when I just feel asleep two hours ago. I tell my parents that I don't get to sleep till 3/4 am and yet they don't give a care if they're up I should be up. 

I feel like the dog is the only one who loves me in my house.  My dad told my mom that he's gonna start charging my brother and I rent.  How the hell am i suppose to pay rent if I don't have a job.  He wants me to pay for my medication, my phone bill, now rent. Might as well go get the knife and take my life cuz I won't be able to afford my meds, and I'm already struggling as it is so if I'm off meds completely then what? I fall down deeper into this depression.  I feel like my dad is digging this hole deeper that I'm already in.  I try talking to him about how I feel and his reply is well if you hated it so much you'd have changed it by now.  If I weren't majorly depressive disorder or had sever social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety disorder I'd be able to get me out of this on my own.  I don't know how to get me out of this flunk I'm in. Yet I try explaining that to him and he's like stop complaining. I'm so damn frustrated.  

I've been fighting this thought of grabbing a knife and stabbing myself in my stomach and cutting off all my fat... I want to do that so badly, but what will that do for me?  Maybe it'll end my misery and I could find peace and forget about every thing that's temporal (Of or relating to the material world; worldly) I could see my sister Maryanne and I could meet Jesus and my heavenly father, and be free from the pain I feel here on earth.  

I don't know how much longer I can fight this depression if no one in my family understands... I know they love me but when they don't understand it makes every day a living hell cuz they're all why don't you just snap out of it. or they're frustrated cuz they can't fix me and they end up yelling at me. I feel like a burden to my family. And I don't like that feeling. 

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REPLIES  ♥

Clear Girl:  Thank you, that's good advice.  The frozen grapes sound good.  ♥