Been going through a rough patch emotionally.

Body image is playing a role in how I feel. My clothes don't fit, and the ones that do fit are few, so I have to wash my clothes like a lot more than I use to when I had more clothes that fit.  I hate sitting down cuz I feel my fat more, I'm out of breath just doing simple things, and I hate mirrors.  I was going to do the master cleanse this month, but I'd break the fast on the 16th and possibly the weekend of Taylorsville Dayzz (24-27) cuz we'll prob go to BBQ and there will be fireworks and fun get together with food. *rolls eyes*  But I'm going to look into SGD or something I can still eat without drawing attention that I'm not eating as much as I should.  I also need to find a workout I can do that won't rub my skin raw and that I'll still be able to move the next day/2days or learn not to push myself so freggin hard.

I'm feeling stress with looking for a job, I need a job cuz I need insurance and I need a steady income so I can eventually move out on my own, or to go back to school, and to pay for my medical things like counseling/meds/doctor visit.  Yet I feel so down that if I were to get a job I don't think I'd be able to keep it for long.  I've been having thoughts of hurting myself, and sometimes the thought of ODing pops into my head because I feel so (I don't know... I'm confused... I can't get these thoughts figured out) but I already am in debt from the last time I OD'd, that if I were to do so again I'd want to go through with it 100%, but I don't want to die, I just want this pain to end. I don't feel I make sense cuz I don't even make sense in my head of mine.

I notice that when I watch a show and something horrible happens like a death of a husband or one of their kids, or rape or just something terrible I find myself thinking gosh why do they fight to be happy it'd be so dang hard if I were them I'd just give up on life.  WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME  it's not RIGHT to think that way.

One good thing that's going on is the kids I babysit, they make me smile.  one of the kids didn't listen to me today so I had to send her to her room... she's yellin for me "BRITNI, I LOVE YOU."  "BRITNI, COME HERE, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A HUG AND A KISS."  it's so hard to stick to your punishment for the child when they are so loving  to you. I know for a fact that if it weren't for these kids I wouldn't be near as strong as I am.  These kids have a strong positive influence on me.

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REPLIES

           -    Thin or Not said...

That youtube video is awesome!  I agree, I thought it was amazing... I wish I had that talent.  It makes me want to start dancing again.   

- Gianni said...

I read your last post about wanting to cut off your fat... I've dreamt that dream too many times to count. I would go through the pain of surgery without anesthesia if I could be thin... *sigh* As for your video, she was a good dancer... but that song was just a tad on the depressing side. Not exactly something I want to hear when I'm trying not to eat. lol  I agree the song is a bit on the depressing side... the first time watching that dance I was thinking that would be a difficult song to make a dance to.