Why am i not happy with the weight loss I have? I want to see a 5lbs lost every day not just 2lbs. I know that's not rational but I'm working so hard for the weight loss. I don't want to be in my 200's anymore. I wanna be THIN THIN THIN!!!!! My dad has asked me to read this book called The Power Of Positive Thinking. I've listened to the first CD it talks about prayer, thanking for things that have not happened yet, show faith in that it will happen, and when you get a negative thought replace it with a positive thought. So at night when I lay down I repeat to myself I am thin, I am thin, I am thin... I have a fast metabolism, I have a fast metabolism, I have a fast metabolism... My body is a fat burning machine, my body is a fat burning machine, my body is a fat burning machine... I am feeling stuffed, I am feeling stuffed, I am feeling stuffed... I repeat these things until I feel that way, I don't quite believe them yet but I hope I will someday. I know those are not quite what the CD is talking about but I figured that it won't hurt to apply positive thinking towards my weight loss.
What the CD does talk about is reading the New Testament and underlining all the positive, faith, praying passages. And looking for the positive in the negative, not letting the negative thoughts over power you. I do alright at looking for the positive, it when I get tired that I become to worn out to fight the thoughts and that's when I need to do so the most .
Yesterday I worked out for an hour... Put weights on my ankle and walked around with them on, paced around the house just to burn calories, did crunches, crunches, and more crunches, All I could think about were am I burning enough calories to lose the weight I want to lose? I hate how consumed my thoughts are with this but I dunno how to change it. I lost 2 freaking pounds and I'm mad cuz I am 228 not 225.
I'll add more later to this blog, I've got more to say, I'm just not how to say it...
Loves
Britni Marie
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
CHILDHOOD EAR TRAUMA - ADULTHOOD EAR TRAUMA
How smart are little children?
Well when I was little I was not. I put a rock in my ear, it got stuck, wax built up around it and I started talking like a deaf person. My mom got concerned so she took me to some doctors and they all said I was just going through a stage... finally my mom took me in to another Dr. he looked into my ear and said there's a rock in there took his tools and dug the rock outta my ear. When he did that he noticed that I had a hole in my ear, so he sent me to an ENT The ENT put tubes in my ears, the tubes fell out, I still had the hole in my ear so the ENT did a skin graph... ear healed.
I remember having to take ear drops when i had the hole in my ear and the drops would go right into my mouth so I would fight like a crazy man, I hated those ear drops. I also remember getting sharp pains in my ear like a thousand needles would be poking inside my ear after i got the drops. I hate ear drops. To this day I hate ear drops. I'll use them, but i hate them.
I won't let anyone else but me put the drops in my ears cuz i only trust myself... if someone else does I'll cry out of fear.
As of a few months ago my scar tissue got inflamed well i didn't know that till yesterday. (cuz i thought oh this feeling will go away.) I started digging in my ear and decided it's time to get it checked out. I got prescribed ear drops... My so called "FAV" well i put the drops in my ears and it hurts my ear drum like it feels like too much pressure... and I get this super dizzy feeling like i might pass out (but i'm laying down) or vomit, and everything is spinning. I don't know what to take of it... out of all my years with ear problems I've never felt this from drops before... i told my dad he told me it's normal don't worry bout it... well I've never had it before i doubt it's normal. I dunno what to think.
Well when I was little I was not. I put a rock in my ear, it got stuck, wax built up around it and I started talking like a deaf person. My mom got concerned so she took me to some doctors and they all said I was just going through a stage... finally my mom took me in to another Dr. he looked into my ear and said there's a rock in there took his tools and dug the rock outta my ear. When he did that he noticed that I had a hole in my ear, so he sent me to an ENT The ENT put tubes in my ears, the tubes fell out, I still had the hole in my ear so the ENT did a skin graph... ear healed.
I remember having to take ear drops when i had the hole in my ear and the drops would go right into my mouth so I would fight like a crazy man, I hated those ear drops. I also remember getting sharp pains in my ear like a thousand needles would be poking inside my ear after i got the drops. I hate ear drops. To this day I hate ear drops. I'll use them, but i hate them.
I won't let anyone else but me put the drops in my ears cuz i only trust myself... if someone else does I'll cry out of fear.
As of a few months ago my scar tissue got inflamed well i didn't know that till yesterday. (cuz i thought oh this feeling will go away.) I started digging in my ear and decided it's time to get it checked out. I got prescribed ear drops... My so called "FAV" well i put the drops in my ears and it hurts my ear drum like it feels like too much pressure... and I get this super dizzy feeling like i might pass out (but i'm laying down) or vomit, and everything is spinning. I don't know what to take of it... out of all my years with ear problems I've never felt this from drops before... i told my dad he told me it's normal don't worry bout it... well I've never had it before i doubt it's normal. I dunno what to think.
WHEN I WAS LITTLE I ALWAYS USE TO SAY...
Person 1- "What do you eat under there?"
Person 2 - "Under Where"
Person 1 - "You eat underwear."
And then we'd all laugh.
LOL
Person 2 - "Under Where"
Person 1 - "You eat underwear."
And then we'd all laugh.
LOL
I HATE GOING TO BED... WHY?
During the day I can keep busy enough that my mind does not wonder and if it does I just start texting or cleaning but bed time... if i clean I'd wake people up. I write but that does not always help cuz i don't always know how to express myself at night. I want to scream, cry, pull my hair out, hurt myself in some way, something just to get the thoughts outta my head.
What keeps me feeling the anxiety? $$$ I have no money. zilch! My dad just bought me a car $500 and he's gonna make a list of how much money i owe him. Medication cost money $50 for my anti-depressants $25 for my stabilizer to help so i more stable and don't have bad anxiety $5 for anti-anxiety pills $5 for my sleeping pills
Then to meet with the gal that gives me medication advice and prescribes them its $131 to meet with her for just 30 minz. Then I need to get a life coach (councilor) and that's gonna cost a lot of money and I need to see the life coach weekly. HOW THE HELL AM I TO MAKE IT ON MY OWN IF WHEN I DO MAKE MONEY ALL MY MONEY GOES TO MEDICAL????
My weight, I'll lay in bed plan out my day, my intake, my workouts, what i will and what i will not allow myself to eat. I've gained so much weight it's hard to go up the stairs... well not now since i've been losing weight. It's just so frustrating.
Friends... I have 3 close friends 1 is married and the other two are parents. I had one friend I use to do things with but she's dropped me. I don't know what i did or what or why. I feel alone I have no social life. don't get me wrong I do love the friends i do have but I wanna have friends that are not tied down.
And I have trouble with a guy. Thought he was my friend turned out he mentally manipulated me. Used me... I'm working on breaking off ties with him, yet I still care for him. and that makes it hard. I get so much anxiety when I see him around I've gone and vomited from the anxiety. I have guilt for letting him manipulate me cuz in my patriarchal blessing it warned me about guys like him, and i didn't realize what was going on until it was too late.
That's just part of what keeps me up at night.
What keeps me feeling the anxiety? $$$ I have no money. zilch! My dad just bought me a car $500 and he's gonna make a list of how much money i owe him. Medication cost money $50 for my anti-depressants $25 for my stabilizer to help so i more stable and don't have bad anxiety $5 for anti-anxiety pills $5 for my sleeping pills
Then to meet with the gal that gives me medication advice and prescribes them its $131 to meet with her for just 30 minz. Then I need to get a life coach (councilor) and that's gonna cost a lot of money and I need to see the life coach weekly. HOW THE HELL AM I TO MAKE IT ON MY OWN IF WHEN I DO MAKE MONEY ALL MY MONEY GOES TO MEDICAL????
My weight, I'll lay in bed plan out my day, my intake, my workouts, what i will and what i will not allow myself to eat. I've gained so much weight it's hard to go up the stairs... well not now since i've been losing weight. It's just so frustrating.
Friends... I have 3 close friends 1 is married and the other two are parents. I had one friend I use to do things with but she's dropped me. I don't know what i did or what or why. I feel alone I have no social life. don't get me wrong I do love the friends i do have but I wanna have friends that are not tied down.
And I have trouble with a guy. Thought he was my friend turned out he mentally manipulated me. Used me... I'm working on breaking off ties with him, yet I still care for him. and that makes it hard. I get so much anxiety when I see him around I've gone and vomited from the anxiety. I have guilt for letting him manipulate me cuz in my patriarchal blessing it warned me about guys like him, and i didn't realize what was going on until it was too late.
That's just part of what keeps me up at night.
LITTLE FATTIE
... is how i feel.
I want to feel good about myself but all i'm thinking bout is binging not good.
I'm gonna be good and avoid going on a binge because it's not worth it.
I'd just hate myself even worse than I did before.
I went to my grandpa's house and saw two chocolate bars thought of just taking one and shoving the whole thing in my mouth. I didn't I came hope blended up some frozen strawberries and water and some chocolate protein powder. I'm glad I was able to avoid the binge but I'm still fighting it... but I think this drink will help.
Sorry that my blogs have been about food lately... it's just what's been on my mind.
What is something you'd like to have me blog about?
Let me know...
Thank you
Britni
I want to feel good about myself but all i'm thinking bout is binging not good.
I'm gonna be good and avoid going on a binge because it's not worth it.
I'd just hate myself even worse than I did before.
I went to my grandpa's house and saw two chocolate bars thought of just taking one and shoving the whole thing in my mouth. I didn't I came hope blended up some frozen strawberries and water and some chocolate protein powder. I'm glad I was able to avoid the binge but I'm still fighting it... but I think this drink will help.
Sorry that my blogs have been about food lately... it's just what's been on my mind.
What is something you'd like to have me blog about?
Let me know...
Thank you
Britni
DO YOU EVER ASK YOURSELF...
... How did i get myself into this MESS?
How did I get into this ED? How did I allow myself to be consumed by every Morsel of food? I love that I've lost 16 pounds in 8 days yet I'm so freaking weak(got up to use the restroom and everything was black and I was seeing stars)... I don't want to eat. I feel so much anxiety when it comes to eating. I want so badly to be THIN THIN THIN!!!! I'm so sick of being FAT! I won't be FAT I WON'T WON'T WON'T I REFUSE TO EAT until I'm out of the two hundreds I'm 228.4lbs today so I say I won't eat until I've lost about 30 pounds if I keep losing two pounds a day that's 15 more days without food. but then I'll wanna not eat until I get into the 180's then not eat till i get to 160... it's an endless cycle... It's all I think about.
How did I get into this ED? How did I allow myself to be consumed by every Morsel of food? I love that I've lost 16 pounds in 8 days yet I'm so freaking weak(got up to use the restroom and everything was black and I was seeing stars)... I don't want to eat. I feel so much anxiety when it comes to eating. I want so badly to be THIN THIN THIN!!!! I'm so sick of being FAT! I won't be FAT I WON'T WON'T WON'T I REFUSE TO EAT until I'm out of the two hundreds I'm 228.4lbs today so I say I won't eat until I've lost about 30 pounds if I keep losing two pounds a day that's 15 more days without food. but then I'll wanna not eat until I get into the 180's then not eat till i get to 160... it's an endless cycle... It's all I think about.
Those that know me in person, this is hard for me to admit that I'm doing this to myself. I just need to vent. Don't go running off telling my parents. If you have any concerns talk to me.
MY PLAN TO LOSE WEIGHT
They come in Chocolate, Vanilla, and Strawberry. I like to mix them with frozen berries from our freezer and I use water, but you could use milk. It’s only 280 cals a serving and the packet itself is one serving. So you can consume one packet and just use it sparingly through out the day or you can do one for each meal.
This is the brand I’m using. My dad bought it and then stopped using it so he gave it to me. =) When I lose weight the quickest it’s been this or the Master Cleanse. I lose weight in a snap but I feel deprived and end up binging. SO that’s why I’m EDNOS I’ll starve then binge then repeat the cycle.
This is another whey protein drink I have and I mix it with water… This one I took my diet pills and crushed them up so they were powder and I added them to this whey protein drink so I get my diet pills without taking pills. =)
The Jillian Michaels workout 30 day shred. I’m doing this workout one day the next day I’m doing just cardio like jogging… I switch the two off every other day.
And of course I’m drinking lots of water water water
And of course I’m drinking lots of water water water
And my diet drinks...
THE GLAD GAME
"When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will."
And when we do that life seem more negative and harder to deal with.
I've been watching Pollyanna and in the show she plays this game called The Glad Game
Pollyanna Whittier, a young orphan who goes to live in Beldingsville, Vermont, with her wealthy but stern Aunt Polly. Pollyanna's philosophy of life centers on what she calls "The Glad Game", an optimistic attitude she learned from her father. The game consists of finding something to be glad about in every situation. It originated in an incident one Christmas when Pollyanna, who was hoping for a doll in the missionary barrel, found only a pair of crutches inside. Making the game up on the spot, Pollyanna's father taught her to look at the good side of things—in this case, to be glad about the crutches because "we don't need 'em!".
So I've made a goal to find something to be glad about in my every day life, and today I'm glad I've got legs, legs that work. I'm able to jump, skip, hop, twirl, run, walk, jog, and tap. I say this cuz my sister dragged me out of the house today so we could go for a run... oh boy I'm so out of shape. But it felt good when i was done. So i'm thankful for working legs and that makes me glad. =)
And when we do that life seem more negative and harder to deal with.
I've been watching Pollyanna and in the show she plays this game called The Glad Game
Pollyanna Whittier, a young orphan who goes to live in Beldingsville, Vermont, with her wealthy but stern Aunt Polly. Pollyanna's philosophy of life centers on what she calls "The Glad Game", an optimistic attitude she learned from her father. The game consists of finding something to be glad about in every situation. It originated in an incident one Christmas when Pollyanna, who was hoping for a doll in the missionary barrel, found only a pair of crutches inside. Making the game up on the spot, Pollyanna's father taught her to look at the good side of things—in this case, to be glad about the crutches because "we don't need 'em!".
So I've made a goal to find something to be glad about in my every day life, and today I'm glad I've got legs, legs that work. I'm able to jump, skip, hop, twirl, run, walk, jog, and tap. I say this cuz my sister dragged me out of the house today so we could go for a run... oh boy I'm so out of shape. But it felt good when i was done. So i'm thankful for working legs and that makes me glad. =)
STRESSORS THAT CAUSE ME ANXIETY
1. School - I'm not in school right now, but whenever I think about going back to school I start to feel anxiety and I end up freaking out. I dunno if it's cuz I dont know what I want to go to school for, or fear of the unknown, or fear that I will just end up dropping out again and end up wasting money.
Another reason why I'm scared to go to school is cuz I was told to get tested for a coginitive - IQ Achievement and Adaptive test so we know when I do go back to school if I'll need any of my test done differently etc.
2. Job/work - I need money and a job where I can work full time and get benifits, yet I can't have too much stress at the job or my depression will take over and i'll end up finding a way to get fired or just flat out quit. I need to be able to go to a counslior weekly and not have that interfear with work. If I choose to go to school I'll need something to work with that, and I also want Sundays off so I can attend church.
3. Insurance - I need to my therapist she's the one that prescribes me medication, yet the insurance won't help cover for it until I reach 2grand in copay. So we pay it in full and have it count towards the copay but if i go over 12 sessions once i reach the 2grand they won't help pay cuz i went over the 12 sessions. I feel the insurance is just robbing us blind. Makes me furious. I'd call the insurance and threaten suicide and say since your not helping you'll lose me either to death or to finding some other insurance who will help me get the coverage i need so i can become a working healthy happy adult. They'll lose me as a customer one way or another.
4. Food/Weight - I feel as though I'm too fat to workout, too fat to get dressed up cuz my fat shows. I feel hopeless, I'll lose weight, then i gain it back cuz depression takes over and I end up binging, So i feel i'll never be the size/weight I want to be. And it discourages me.
5. Making decisions - I'd rather have my parents make my choices for me. I have a hard time making my own choices and hate living with the consequences. I also hate making my own appointments I'll do it but I'd rather have someone else do it for me.
Another reason why I'm scared to go to school is cuz I was told to get tested for a coginitive - IQ Achievement and Adaptive test so we know when I do go back to school if I'll need any of my test done differently etc.
2. Job/work - I need money and a job where I can work full time and get benifits, yet I can't have too much stress at the job or my depression will take over and i'll end up finding a way to get fired or just flat out quit. I need to be able to go to a counslior weekly and not have that interfear with work. If I choose to go to school I'll need something to work with that, and I also want Sundays off so I can attend church.
3. Insurance - I need to my therapist she's the one that prescribes me medication, yet the insurance won't help cover for it until I reach 2grand in copay. So we pay it in full and have it count towards the copay but if i go over 12 sessions once i reach the 2grand they won't help pay cuz i went over the 12 sessions. I feel the insurance is just robbing us blind. Makes me furious. I'd call the insurance and threaten suicide and say since your not helping you'll lose me either to death or to finding some other insurance who will help me get the coverage i need so i can become a working healthy happy adult. They'll lose me as a customer one way or another.
4. Food/Weight - I feel as though I'm too fat to workout, too fat to get dressed up cuz my fat shows. I feel hopeless, I'll lose weight, then i gain it back cuz depression takes over and I end up binging, So i feel i'll never be the size/weight I want to be. And it discourages me.
5. Making decisions - I'd rather have my parents make my choices for me. I have a hard time making my own choices and hate living with the consequences. I also hate making my own appointments I'll do it but I'd rather have someone else do it for me.
WHAT TO SAY... WHERE TO START... THE GLAD GAME
I don't even know.
I feel as though I'm hanging on by a string that's about to come undone.
(i don't even know what words to use to describe what i need to say or get out)
I had a complete meltdown last night. Told my parents that they hated me cuz they wouldn't take my to the phyce ward. I'm taking my medication. Cymbalta and I'm taking my clonzpam yet i feel i'm getting worse. I gotta be strong for Taresa and Erika, I gotta be strong for Katie and Sierra, I gotta find that strength, but what happenes when that (plan for strength and distraction) stops working?
I could tell it was starting to stop working but I refused to accept that it was not working.
I have people telling me to go out and do some service... I don't have any (whats the word I'm looking for)... I don't have anything against doing service, but my anxiety kicks in. I feel as though i can't breath, I start vomiting, I hyperventalate, Cuz the fear of the unexpected the unknown, what if i'm the only girl... I hate being the only girl... I feel so uncomfortable around guys. What if people don't like me? what if they think i'm too fat? What if, what if, what if?????
In 2004 - 2007 i worked at IHC in the food services department. Some day's they'd schedule me for early dish (i'd have to be there at 7am) I'd be the only girl in the back room with guys i didn't feel comfortable being around. and I'd stress all night long weather or not I'd wake up ontime. It got so bad i made myself sick. I'd have to go back home lay down with a garbage can by my bed. It's ridiclous!
I either hardly sleeping or getting 16 hours of sleep a day. I wake up and I can't find the strength to move, to sit up and get out of bed... so i just close my eyes and go back to sleep. I feel guilty when i do that, and that guilt causes more depression in me. It's an endless cycle that I don't know how to stop.
I do go out with my friend Katie and her cute lil sierra but with my depression being worse than usual it don't help. I went out today and I got anxiety. Almsot sat down and started crying in the store. I feel hopeless. STUCK... and hate to admit but i feel worthless.
I have watch Pollyanna and she plays the Glad Game... I need to find something I'm glad for Each day...
I'm Glad I've got my mom, she may not understand or even know how to help, but I'm thankful for her. Right now I'm don't even know how to help myself. I need that extra push/help and my mom has helped today talked to a few friends called my thearipist and scheduled me an appointment.
I'm also Glad I've got such a wonderful friend In my friend Katie, I do feel bad that she deals with depression and anxiety but I"m glad I've got someone I can go to, someone who understand. Someone who loves me. I can't even describe how much I appericate my friend Katie. She's a hero in my eyes.
I feel as though I'm hanging on by a string that's about to come undone.
(i don't even know what words to use to describe what i need to say or get out)
I had a complete meltdown last night. Told my parents that they hated me cuz they wouldn't take my to the phyce ward. I'm taking my medication. Cymbalta and I'm taking my clonzpam yet i feel i'm getting worse. I gotta be strong for Taresa and Erika, I gotta be strong for Katie and Sierra, I gotta find that strength, but what happenes when that (plan for strength and distraction) stops working?
I could tell it was starting to stop working but I refused to accept that it was not working.
I have people telling me to go out and do some service... I don't have any (whats the word I'm looking for)... I don't have anything against doing service, but my anxiety kicks in. I feel as though i can't breath, I start vomiting, I hyperventalate, Cuz the fear of the unexpected the unknown, what if i'm the only girl... I hate being the only girl... I feel so uncomfortable around guys. What if people don't like me? what if they think i'm too fat? What if, what if, what if?????
In 2004 - 2007 i worked at IHC in the food services department. Some day's they'd schedule me for early dish (i'd have to be there at 7am) I'd be the only girl in the back room with guys i didn't feel comfortable being around. and I'd stress all night long weather or not I'd wake up ontime. It got so bad i made myself sick. I'd have to go back home lay down with a garbage can by my bed. It's ridiclous!
I either hardly sleeping or getting 16 hours of sleep a day. I wake up and I can't find the strength to move, to sit up and get out of bed... so i just close my eyes and go back to sleep. I feel guilty when i do that, and that guilt causes more depression in me. It's an endless cycle that I don't know how to stop.
I do go out with my friend Katie and her cute lil sierra but with my depression being worse than usual it don't help. I went out today and I got anxiety. Almsot sat down and started crying in the store. I feel hopeless. STUCK... and hate to admit but i feel worthless.
I have watch Pollyanna and she plays the Glad Game... I need to find something I'm glad for Each day...
I'm Glad I've got my mom, she may not understand or even know how to help, but I'm thankful for her. Right now I'm don't even know how to help myself. I need that extra push/help and my mom has helped today talked to a few friends called my thearipist and scheduled me an appointment.
I'm also Glad I've got such a wonderful friend In my friend Katie, I do feel bad that she deals with depression and anxiety but I"m glad I've got someone I can go to, someone who understand. Someone who loves me. I can't even describe how much I appericate my friend Katie. She's a hero in my eyes.
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