I want to go back to being "her"

I'm slipping back down. I'm looking for that rock to grab onto before I fall right back into that dark abyss. I'm not sure what has brought this on but I think i know. But before i go to guessing if i'm right about where this is  coming from I wanna know what's normal and what's not. Maybe i should go into psychology and learn these things. 
These things I'm finding on Wikipedia 
A fear of being touched, hapnophobia.
Specific fears related to certain characteristics of the assailant, e.g. side-burns, straight hair, the smell of alcohol or cigarettes, type of clothing or car. (his cologne) (or guys that remind me of him/wearing ball caps) 
Appetite disturbances such as nausea and vomiting. Rape survivors are also prone to developing anorexia nervosa and/or bulimia. (binging) and hating my body.
Violent fantasies of revenge may also arise.
May block thoughts of the assault from their minds and may not want to talk about the incident or any of the related issues. (They don't want to think about it). (yet i also want to talk about it too... it depends with who)
The underground stage may last for years and the victim seems as though that they are "over it", despite the fact the emotional issues are not resolved.(maybe i was not over it... and now it's resurfacing) 
More commonly, assaults are committed by someone the victim knows and trusts. May be heightened feelings of self-blame and guilt.
Whether or not they were injured during a sexual assault, rape survivors exhibit higher rates of poor health in the months and years after an assault,^[4] including acute somatoform disorders (physical symptoms with no identifiable cause).
They feel hesitant to enter new relationships.
and one i can't find... so if someone knows... please answer... 
I don't want any sexual contact... but lately I've been pleasuring myself. (ashamed to admit) I'll get on my iPod and go to a chat room and be promiscuous there.  I don't want to be that kind of person. is that common to not want anything yet want it at the same time?

I was cleaning/organizing my room and i found my journal and i started to read it. I had a complete break down. I was sweet and innocent. Now i feel dirty and unclean.  I wanted to read my scriptures and say my prayers. I was happy for the most part.  Yeah i did want to pierce my eyebrow at one point... made me laugh. I was excited that my dads friend and I have the same birthday. (January 1st) I loved dance. Dance was my world. I miss that me. I want to go back to being her. but after what she's gone through it's impossible to be her. I can only pretend to be her cuz I'll never be her again.