Yesterday was hard... I gave into isolating myself. I have been trying to fight that, but it was that or crying all day long. I went to school. couldn't concentrate because my anxiety was so darn high. I went home and slept from 2-630. got up and got dressed again and went to a wedding. (my best friend was getting married) my mom and i went together. While we were driving i told her some how i was feeling. I told her I'm scared to tell her. (cuz i don't want her to worry about me) I told her how my anxiety has been so high, and how i feel i might need to get back onto medication. and she said most people get happy when the weather changes from winter to spring. I told her some of the reasons what might be the reason I've been feeling so down and high anxiety.
1. Easter break/Spring break in elementary school I was touched... I forgave the dude that did that (being that we were the same age and like 10 years old) He was still old enough to know he shouldn't be doing that but still young enough to not understand how it would affect me. well a few months ago he called and apologized and it has brought up feelings i didn't know existed. (when i told back in 5th grade what he did, he denied it and told me it must have been a dream) so when he admitted to it a few months ago... i knew it happened and I dunno how i feel about it. I'm thankful he apologized but I feel like i have some things to work through now.
2. 9 years ago somethings started happening with
friend I didn't want any of it to happen... I'd fight back but he was just as strong or stronger, i finally stopped fighting not cuz i was OK with it but because he was gonna do it one way or another. I was friends with him until about 2010 then I said I can't do this. I can't be friends with someone who is going to bring me down. Told my parents i needed my number changed. asked my mom to apologize to his mom for me for not telling someone when he first started touching me. If i wouldn't have wanted to be his friend so badly all of that stuff could have ended years sooner than it actually did.
3. 24 years ago... April 12th My sister was born... she had died. I always have wanted to be her older sister. and sometimes i feel like I'm the only person that remembers her. I want to celebrate her birthday for her. But i don't 100% think that Maryanne is the reason my anxiety and depression has kicked in this time of year... yeah I'll admit I'm sad about not getting the chance to be her sister here/now, but I understand that tragedy happens.
Only thing I can do is work through this.. I'm not going into that dark place again. as much as i don't want to get on meds, if i can't work through this I'll go back and get back on my meds again.
Britni
Wow, holy cow!!! I thought you seemed like you was doin ok for the most part. I'm sorry you are going through this crap again. I wish I knew what to do to help you, other than just be there for you to talk to.
ReplyDeleteI gotta say though you are one hell of a strong person for being able to go through this every now and again. I would of killed myself a long time ago if this had been me. That's my answer to these kind of things, but I have kids so I stay on this hellish ride also.
I really do like you as a friend and I do worry about you. Just thought I should let you know that. You are some kind of special person to be as strong as you are. Just keep your head up and try not to let these things get you down. I know you are a pretty religious person, where I am not, however you need to keep praying for yourself, and I will do the same. I don't want to be the one who says "counselling", but maybe that would help also. Like find someone in your church who can help you maybe. You do need to talk to someone though and not keep this all inside.
Keep your chin up, I know you are strong and you will get through this. I luv ya!!! <3
Thank you Nykky. I am in counseling. I would most likely be dead by now if I were not in counseling. I go through phases where I'm OK then phases where it all comes back and haunts me like it all happened yesterday. I'm going to print these off and share them with my councilor... i see her on the 30th I think. so hopefully she can help me. and I'm going to go see my bishop sometime and ask him if he could help financially so i can keep going to counseling. I'm not getting a new councilor if at all possible. It's hard switching.
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