HELP ME!!!

I'm gonna look into Over Eating Annynomus my eating habits have gotten horrible. I eat, eat to the point I'm full, keep eating to the point my stomach feels like it'll explode and I keep eating. My dad gives me this look like eating that is not gonna help you get to your goal. YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT???? That look he gives me causes me to feel ashamed so then I go to eating in seceret/closet eating. I'm so ashamed of what my body looks like. It makes me sick. Yet I have no control I would guess food to me is like alcohol to an alcoholic. It's all I think about. Even when I'm eating I think about my next meal. I don't want to live my life around food. It's depressing.
The other day I went shopping and I overheard this boy talking to his mom (I don't know these people) The kid was telling his mom to buy a smaller size of clothing cuz that'll give her motivation to lose her extra weight. I wanted to go scream at that kid. Tell him sometimes it's out of our control, it's like an addiction. I was so furious. It didn't help any that all the clothing I tried on didn't fit me. I wanted to eat to help me feel better but I know eating won't make things better it'll make things worse.
I feel traped with food. We need to eat to survive yet I'm not doing so to survive I'm doing so for comfort.
HELP ME!!!

Tears were brought to my eyes

On Christmas eve my dad's side of the family came over. We played games (Curses), Talked, ate dinner, opened presents, and enjoyed the evening together. When we were saying good bye to eachother we walked outside and we found this huge gift bag on the porch with an evenlope that said Britni on it. I opened the card up and it said Merry Christmas You are loved. I have no idea who sent me this gift it's a beautiful blanket. I'd post a pic but I'm not on my computer so I'm unable to share the picture of the blanket i got. This blanket means so much for me. I've had a rough year with my depression and just knowing that others love me so touched me. I wanna go thank the person or people who gave me this blanket and let them know it means the world to me.
I'm realizing this Christmas season that the little thoughts of kindness can just brighten someones day. So if you know someone who is struggling give them a hug send them a card let them know that you love them. Not only will it brighten their day you'll feel a sense of peace too.
Hope this Christmas season is wonderful to you all.

the big bang theory lyrics LOVE

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait...
The Earth began to cool,
The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools,
We built a wall (we built the pyramids),
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,
That all started with the big bang!

What is new???

What is new???
I took a 3 day test to help me figure out what my interest are for a career, and what kind of field for me to go into with the skills I have. and the best way for me to learn.  I reviewed the information and I've decided I want to be a Nutritionist.  I've got an appointment set for the 16 with my career counselor and hopefully I can get signed up for school.  I wanna be able to be going to school this up coming semester.
I'm still babysitting the little wonderful kiddos.  They know how to make me smile. They kiddos i watch live next door to me and one day I walked out and saw the little girl i watch and I said hi to her and she got all excited to see me she jumped up and down and was saying hi to me, then her dad walked out and she yells at her dad with excitement, "DAD THERE'S BRITNI"  Makes me smile to know they love me like they do.
We named the puppy, her name is Onna.  She's such a sweetie. She's really helped a lot with my depression and my anxiety.  I got a Dr's note saying that she's my therapy dog and I can bring her anywhere i go.   =) She's so small still... everyone sees her and thinks she's just a baby/which she is... but she's almost full grown.

what is BPD...????

Borderline Personality Disorder.
When i was in the hospital, i was diagnosed with BPD.  I don't understand what it is. I've tried reading about it but the words used to describe it i don't understand.  If any of you have BPD could you help me understand what it is?  I'd love to understand it better. Thank you

small update

LOVING this new puppy. We've named her. Onna like Donna but without the D.

So I've got to look for a good steady job.  I have a hospital bill i need to pay.
I honestly don't want to pay the bill. I OD for a reason. I didn't want my stomach pumped. Why should i pay the bill when it's not something i wanted in the first place?

Help Us Name Our New Puppy

Got a new puppy it's a Chorkie it's a mix between a Yorkie and a Chihuahua the puppy is a GIRL... and she still has no name.

Since we got her she's helped my depression quite a bit... I have something to live for. She makes me smile and laugh... She's is such a great friend. 

What are some girl dog names... we need help naming her.

I am confused

I'm not doing well, I dunno what it what anymore
I dunno if my anxiety is my depression or if my depression is my anxiety.
My blood feels like it's been poisoned
I'm feeling weak... physically and emotionally weak.
I dunno if  I can do this anymore.

Couldn't sleep last night so I wrote a note...

I'm going to try to not go into so much detail cuz it is personal...And I'm going to share this with my counselor

To whom it may concern
First I'd like to say SORRY. SORRY for being WEAK.  SORRY for not being STRONG enough to STOP you. SORRY that I didn't let an adult know what was going on.
I've thought of some reasons why I may not have told...
1. When this happened the first time I told and it ruined his younger sister friendship with my sisters.
2. Age difference, I should have been able to stop you.
3. Fear of no one believing me
4. And fear of others just writing this off like it was no big deal.
... But the fact of the matter is I didn't tell. And I'm truly SORRY I didn't tell.

Now I want you to try to understand how I feel.  I HATE my BODY.  I feel like guys look at me and think of me as an OBJECT, not a person with feelings.  I AM A PERSON AND I DO HAVE FEELINGS.  I DO MATTER.   I feel uncomfortable around guys... I don't TRUST them.  I don't want to OPEN up just to get HURT.   I don't want any guy to want me in a sexual way, even my future husband... I don't want that. It's just degrading to me. And I don't wanna feel degraded or dirty or hate myself even worse than I already do.
You were one of my BEST FRIENDS and I TRUSTED YOU.  You betrayed that trust. Asking... well BEGGING sometimes even threatening me until I gave in... and there were times you just wouldn't take NO as an answer.

I don't have good coping skills. And with all the hurt and pain I deal with everyday I take it out on me with negative coping skills.
Cutting. 

Numbing myself with pills and with purging 

Why did you hurt me?
Why did you use me?
Why did you lie to me?
Did you get what you wanted?

For some reason I keep thinking to myself... YOU WIN!!!! I don't know what I mean by that, but YOU WIN!!!

I'm so MAD MAD MAD

My mom went though my things found a tube and this syringe type thing and she took it gave it to my dad and he took it back to the store.  I'm 25 they don't have the right to go through my things like that. I'M SO DAMN MAD at them right now.

I'm Not CURED... HELP!!!!

Have anyone of you been in a treatment center for ED's or Depression or some sort of treatment center? 
I went into UNI (Hospital Psych Ward) for a week.  It was nice I was not being tempted to hurt myself in anyway, I wasn't being reminded of this Jerk I know everytime i walked outside. (hell i couldn't really go outside in the first place.) I actually felt quite better there, than I do at home.   They made me promise that I wouldn't purge, cut, or take pills that would make me be numb.   I feel like i have to be cured.  I'm not cured though.  I still have thoughts of purging, cutting, and I'm taking pills to be numb... cuz I can't stand the pain, hurt, i'm feeling inside of me.  I'm ashamed to ask for help because I feel like I'll be letting my parents money go to waste cuz I'm not cured of this HELL.  I dunno what to do... I'm asking for help advice on what you would do if you were in my shoes?  I don't wanna live life like this. 

My VENT PLZ READ ME!!!!

I am having a hard time.
I just want to be numb.  I don't want to feel.
I HATE my body.  My legs, arms, face, middle (stomach/back/sides), and my bum.  I'm just so FAT.  and I can't ACCEPT it.  I can do so well with restricting, and fasting during the day then around dinner time I start to binge on everything in sight. Whenever I eat I get so mad at myself.  I have NO CONTOL, NO SELF DISPLIN.  I look at myself and I say to myself  WHY AM I EATING? I don't need to eat, I have enough FAT on my body that I should not be eating this "poison."   And then I take a bite.  I don't even enjoy food, I hate it... I hate me.

I went to UNI (hospital psych ward) for a week in August, cuz I OD on some pills, and I was cutting everyday. =(  It was good for me to get away, from all the temptation I was dealing with (with hurting myself).  Well since I've been in UNI I feel like I need to be CURED of my DEPRESSION, but I'm not CURED.  I still have THOUGHTS of hurting myself.  Cutting, Pills, and Purging.  I just want to be NUMB.  I feel nothing works... The anti depressant PILLS, going for a walk, working out, deep breathing.  I'm TIRED of FIGHTING this but TERRIFIED to stop fighting.  I want to stop my anti depressants and never take any again... but SCARED of where I'll be without the pills.  I know I need to tell my parents how I'm feeling BUT I'm feeling too ASHAMED that I'm not cured, that I'm still having these thoughts.   I'M BROKEN

I'm feeling Like I'm also starting to lose my FAITH.  In my paritchal blessing it says I'll get married one day and I'll be able to raise a family.  How can I do that if I've NEVER even been on one DATE?  People tell me everyday that I'm so beautiful. If I'm so BEAUTIFUL why don't guys ask me out?  I feel all ALONE, UNLOVED.  I can't deny God cuz I know he has answered my prayers before, but I'm losing my FAITH that I'll ever be LOVED by guy.
=(

I HATE this... I HATE DEPRESSION... I could NEVER wish this upon anyone.

HOW DO I LET THIS ALL OUT????

All i think about is him. I just want him to email me. I know i shouldn't want that but i do. I want closer... I want him to tell me he's sorry or to step up and be a real friend not a damn user. I HATE HIM yet I LOVE HIM!!!! UGH
FOOD FOOD FOOD why don't i have any control All i do is binge binge binge. Why can't i stop?  I can do well then 4pm hits and I start eating everything in site. I hate my body I hate me. I hate my legs. I hate my arms and i my core i hate my fat bum i hate me.
I have no social life.
Everyone tells me I"m beautiful if i'm so damn beautiful then why have I never been on a date? why don't guys talk to me?  why am i so unattractive to them?
I feel worthless.

went to the drs.

cuz my ear has been bothering me. and the dr. said that my inner ear is swollen. thus it feels like why there is something in there.  He gave me drops... hope they work if not then I'm complaining some more to him cuz i'm so sick of ear problems.

UGH SREAM

WHY DON'T I HAVE CONTROL?
I DO SO WELL UNTIL 4:00 HITS AND THEN I EAT EVERYTHING I SEE.
WHY DON'T I HAVE ANY CONTROL?
I HATE THIS HATE THIS HATE THIS.
HATE MY BODY,
HATE MY REFLECTION
HATE HATE HATE

20 second fitness

It's called 20 second fitness
The web address is... http://20second.com/

The Science

You’re probably thinking, “How does it work? How can 8-12 minutes a day really get me the body I want and help to get in the best shape of my life? Can you prove it?”

To make it simple, let’s think for a minute about your car. If you want to get the worst gas mileage possible what do you do? You floor it, put the pedal to the metal, step on it, rev the engine high, and go! Here is a little example for you: Spencer’s car gets 33 mpg at 60 mph but gets only 25 mpg at 80 mph. If he were to drive straight from LA to Miami at 60 mph it would take him a little over 39 hours and would use just over 71 gallons. But if he drove it at 80 MPH it would take only 29.5 hours and would use a whopping 94 gallons of fuel! The faster we drive, the more fuel we use, even though we use the car for less time. This is similar to the way 20 Second Fitness works with your body — if you think of calories and fat as fuel. We want to make our bodies get the worst gas mileage possible. We want to burn through as many calories as we can, as quickly as we can. With 20 Second Fitness, you rev your engine (going intense through the workout), you cover the same distance a lot more quickly (compressing an hour’s worth of exercise into 8-12 minutes) and due to the acceleration, you get some really bad mileage (we burn a lot more calories faster due to the metabolic overload of going intense). There you have it — if you cover the same distance at a higher rate of speed but in a shorter amount of time, you get much faster progress!

TRACY

BEFORE

AFTER 5 months and 61pounds lighter. 

I love doing 20 Second Fitness! It amazes me that you can get the same results that you would in riding your bike or running for hours at a time but for no more than 8 to 12 minutes a day. I have been doing the workout faithfully for about 30-40 days and have lost 17 pounds and have dropped almost two pant sizes. As a Mom and someone that works full time plus travels fourteen days out of each month, Spencer has made it very easy to stay motivated and not fall from my exercise routine when I’m on the road… Anyone and everyone have 12 minutes to fit this workout in their day – that is the beauty of it AND you get great results!
-Tracy

LINDSAY

As an All-American 1,500 meter runner in college, I appreciate the effectiveness of interval workouts. But 10 years later, as a mom of three, I find myself working out less and less because I don’t feel like I have the time to commit to it. Having 20 Second Fitness has been perfect. It is so quick I can always fit it in somewhere in my day, and it really makes a difference. I can feel the workout in my legs and body throughout the day. I’m left feeling so glad I did the workout instead of letting another day slip by without exercise, and it only took 12 minutes!
-Lindsay




Check it out... I'll keep y'all posted on how I'm doing.  I'll post my before pics and after pics at the same time in 30 days... I'll keep going to the gym to get my cardio workouts in and this workout will be my muscle toning workouts

Why is my depression stronger than it use to be?

In high school I took Dance and I enjoyed creative writing.  I'd get lost in my writing, it was like I was someone, I was happy, I wasn't me.  I would get so involved at dance I'd forget about life and everything going on around me it was just me and the music and my ballet slippers.  Back in high school I really enjoyed doing these two things.  But now... Now it's blah, boring.  I lost interest in dance when my ballet teacher retired Dance just was not fun anymore.  And as for writing I can't seem to be someone else I can't fight reality. In high school I had Good Natural Highs from dance and writing now I take benadryl to numb out of life. I don't enjoy things like i use to. I'm thinking not finding the joy in the things has affected my depression... or my depression affected how I enjoy things.  I want to enjoy these things but the passion is gone.  What do i do to get the passion back?

My first Step

I'm doing a 12 Step program through The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints for my problems with food. I need to figure out why I keep binging, why I have NO CONTROL over it, and work on overcoming the binges I go through.

http://www.providentliving.org/familyservices/AddicitonRecoveryManual_36764000.pdf
That is the website for the book we're using for the 12 Step Program. I thought I'd if the website don't work I copied and pasted it onto my blog just below.  So if you're wanting to give 12 steps a shot Step One is below.

Step Number 1
Admitted we were powerless over (what ever your affliction) and that our lives were unmanageable....


 
HONESTY
KEY PRINCIPLE: Admit that you, of yourself, are
powerless to overcome your addictions and that
your life has become unmanageable.
Many of us began our addictions out of curiosity.
Some of us became involved because of a justifiable
need for a prescription drug or as an act of
deliberate rebellion. Many began this path when barely
older than children. Whatever our motive for starting
and our circumstances, we soon discovered that the
addiction relieved more than just physical pain. It
provided stimulation or numbed painful feelings or
moods. It helped us avoid the problems we faced—
or so we thought. For a while, we felt free of fear,
worry, loneliness, discouragement, regret, or boredom.
But because life is full of the conditions that prompt
these kinds of feelings, we resorted to our addictions
more and more often. Still, most of us failed to recognize
or admit that we had lost the ability to resist and
abstain on our own. As Elder Russell M. Nelson of the
Quorum of the Twelve observed: “Addiction surrenders
later freedom to choose. Through chemical means, one
can literally become disconnected from his or her own
will” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1988, 7; or Ensign,
Nov. 1988, 7).
Rarely do people caught in addictive behaviors admit
to being addicted. To deny the seriousness of our condition
and to avoid detection and the consequences of
our choices, we tried to minimize or hide our behaviors.
We did not realize that by deceiving others and
ourselves, we slipped deeper into our addictions. As
our powerlessness over addiction increased, many
of us found fault with family, friends, Church leaders,
and even God. We plunged into greater and greater
isolation, separating ourselves from others, especially
from God.
When we, as addicts, resorted to lies and secrecy,
hoping to excuse ourselves or blame others, we weakened
spiritually. With each act of dishonesty, we bound
ourselves with “flaxen cords” that soon became as strong
as chains (see 2 Nephi 26:22). Then a time came when
we were brought face to face with reality. We could no
longer hide our addictions by telling one more lie or by
saying, “It’s not that bad!”
A loved one, a doctor, a judge, or an ecclesiastical
leader told us the truth we could no longer deny—the
addiction was destroying our lives. When we honestly
looked at the past, we admitted that nothing we had
tried on our own had worked. We acknowledged that
the addiction had only gotten worse. We realized how
much our addictions had damaged relationships and
robbed us of any sense of worth. At this point, we took
the first step toward freedom and recovery by finding
courage to admit that we were not just dealing with a
problem or a bad habit. We finally admitted the truth
that our lives had become unmanageable and that we
needed help to overcome our addictions. The amazing
thing about this honest realization of defeat was that
recovery finally began.
The Book of Mormon prophet Ammon plainly stated
the truth we discovered when we were finally honest
with ourselves:
“I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own
wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is
brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.
“Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength
I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but
I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all
things” (Alma 26:11–12).
Action Steps
Become willing to abstain
Even though people’s addictions are different,
some truths, like this one, never vary—nothing begins
without an individual’s will to make it begin. Freedom
from addiction and cleanliness begin with a tiny flicker
of will. People say individuals finally become willing to
abstain when the pain of the problem becomes worse
than the pain of the solution. Have you come to that
point? If you have not and you continue in your addiction,
you surely will reach that point because addiction
is a progressive problem. Like a degenerative disease,
it eats at your ability to function normally.
The only requirement to begin recovery is the desire
to stop participating in the addiction. If your desire is
small and inconsistent today, don’t worry. It will grow!
Some people recognize the need to be free from
addiction but are not yet willing to begin. If you are in
that situation, perhaps you can begin by acknowledging
your unwillingness and considering the costs
of your addiction. You can list what is important to
you. Look at your family and social relationships, your
relationship to God, your spiritual strength, your ability
to help and bless others, your health. Then look for
contradictions between what you believe in and hope
for and your behavior. Consider how your actions
undermine what you value. You can pray that the Lord
will help you see yourself and your life as He sees it—
with all your divine potential—and what you risk by
continuing in your addiction.
A recognition of what you lose by indulging in your
addiction can help you find the desire to stop. If you
can find even the smallest desire, you will have room to
begin step 1. And as you progress through the steps of
this program and see the changes that come into your
life, your desire will grow.
Let go of pride and seek humility
Pride and honesty cannot coexist. Pride is an illusion
and is an essential element of all addiction. Pride distorts
the truth about things as they are, as they have
been, and as they will be. It is a major obstacle to your
recovery. President Ezra Taft Benson defined pride:
“Pride is a very misunderstood sin. . . .
“Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness,
conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All
of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core,
is still missing.
“The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity
toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity
means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’
It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign
over us.
“Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our
will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God,
it is in the spirit of ‘my will and not thine be done.’ . . .
“Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires,
appetites, and passions to go unbridled (see Alma 38:12;
3 Nephi 12:30).
“The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving
direction to their lives (see Helaman 12:6). They pit
their perceptions of truth against God’s great knowledge,
their abilities versus God’s priesthood power,
their accomplishments against His mighty works” (in
Conference Report, Apr. 1989, 3–4; or Ensign, May
1989, 4).
As you become willing to abstain and admit the
problems you face, your pride will gradually be
replaced with humility.
Admit the problem; seek help; attend meetings
When we indulged our addictions, we lied to
ourselves and others. But we could not really fool
ourselves. We pretended we were fine, full of bravado
and excuses, but somewhere deep inside we knew.
The Light of Christ continued to remind us. We knew
we were sliding down a slippery slope toward greater
and greater sorrow. Denying this truth was such hard
work that it was a big relief finally to admit that we had
a problem. Suddenly, we allowed a tiny opening for
hope to slip in. When we chose to admit to ourselves
that we had a problem and we became willing to seek
support and help, we gave that hope a place to grow.
We were then ready to take the next step of attending
a recovery meeting.
Participation in a support group or a recovery
meeting may not be feasible for everyone. If you
cannot attend a recovery meeting, you can still follow
each of the steps, with minor modifications, as you
work with your bishop or a carefully chosen professional
counselor.
When attendance at a recovery meeting is possible,
you will find it helpful for at least two reasons. First, at
these meetings you will study specific gospel principles
that, when applied, will help you change your behavior.
President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve
taught: “The study of the doctrines of the gospel will
improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior
will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy
behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why
we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of
the gospel” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1986, 20; or
Ensign, Nov. 1986, 17). Second, these meetings are a
place to gather with others seeking recovery and with
those who have already taken this path and are living
proof of its effectiveness. In recovery meetings you will
find understanding, hope, and support.
Study and Understanding
Studying the scriptures and the statements of Church
leaders will help you begin your recovery. This study
will increase your understanding and help you learn.
You can use the scriptures, statements, and questions
that follow for prayerful personal study, for writing,
and for group discussion. The thought of writing may
frighten you, but writing is a powerful tool for recovery.
It will give you time to reflect; it will help you focus
your thinking; it will help you see and understand the
issues, thoughts, and behaviors surrounding your
addiction. When you write, you will also have a record
of your thoughts. As you progress through the steps,
you will be able to measure your progress. For now,
just be honest and sincere as you write your thoughts,
feelings, and impressions.

Encompassed by temptations

“I am encompassed about, because of the temptations
and the sins which do so easily beset me.
“And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth
because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom
I have trusted.
“My God hath been my support; he hath led me
through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he
hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
“He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming
of my flesh” (2 Nephi 4:18–21).

• Do you feel encompassed or trapped? When do

you feel this way most often?

• What situations or feelings weakened you so you

gave in to your addiction?

• When Nephi felt overwhelmed, in whom did he

place his trust? What can you do to place more

trust in the Lord?

“I know that man is nothing”

“It came to pass that it was for the space of many
hours before Moses did again receive his natural
strength like unto man; and he said unto himself:
Now, for this cause I know that man is nothing,
which thing I never had supposed” (Moses 1:10).

• How did Moses describe himself as compared

to God?

• How can a little child be of infinite worth and still

be nothing when compared to his or her parents?

• In what ways are you nothing when you do not

have the help of God?

• In what ways are you of infinite worth?

• Write about how recognizing your helplessness to

overcome your addiction on your own can bring

you to admit your own nothingness and become

as a little child.

Hunger and thirst

“Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after
righteousness: for they shall be filled” (Matthew 5:6).
“And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before
my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and
supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long
did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did
still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens”
(Enos 1:4).

• In these two scriptures, we learn that our souls

can hunger. Do you ever feel empty inside, even

when you are not physically hungry? What causes

that emptiness?

• How can your hunger for things of the Spirit help

you be more honest?

Honesty

“Some may regard the quality of character known as
honesty to be a most ordinary subject. But I believe it
to be the very essence of the gospel. Without honesty,
our lives . . . will degenerate into ugliness and chaos”
(Gordon B. Hinckley, “We Believe in Being Honest,”
Ensign, Oct. 1990, 2).

• Write about ways you have lied and attempted to

hide your addiction from yourself and others. How

has this behavior caused “ugliness and chaos”?

Humility

“Because ye are compelled to be humble blessed
are ye; for a man sometimes, if he is compelled to
be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely,
whosoever repenteth shall find mercy; and he that
findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same
shall be saved” (Alma 32:13).

• Write about the circumstances that have compelled

you to humility and to seek repentance. What hope

does Alma give you? How can you find or receive

that hope?

The Lord’s delight

“Lying lips are abomination to the Lord: but they that
deal truly are his delight” (Proverbs 12:22).

• Writing the answers to these questions has called

for a deep level of honesty about yourself. How

does this passage of scripture relate to this kind of

honesty? How can you become the Lord’s delight?

ANXIETY

what is ANXIETY for me?  It's hard to breath, burning in my chest, I feel nauseated, I feel weak, it feels like my blood is either on fire or ice, a knot in the pit of my stomach, and that's just the stuff off my head right now.  How do i cope with ANXIETY? I dunno how to cope. It's crippling. I wanna cry and stay inside until it goes away. I can't let anxiety CONTROL me, can't let anxiety win. I gotta fight it.  But i dunno how, not when it's so stinking strong.  I can if it's not strong but when it's strong like it's been getting i don't know anything i try does not work.  UGH it's so frustrating
WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO????
  

Gonna try a new workout plan... let me know what you think

the weight machines at the gym.  Cuz i need to tone up.  I can't do any impounding workouts cuz of my ankles the pain is heading up to my knees.  so I'm gonna do each machine for each area of my body for 5 minz (like a Jillian Michales workout dvd she focus on each area of her body for 5 minz) I'm gonna use the lightest weight possible cuz i don't wanna bulk up i wanna be lean  I'm doing this for a week to see then I'll see from there if it's working or not.  depending on how i feel after i might go swimming in the pool at the gym also. 
If anyone has any suggestions on how to make the workout better please share... I'm open for suggestions.

The unsettling Darkness

Night time is so hard to do.
I feel a darkness around me.
Feels as though my blood is on fire.
It's rather scary.
I'm scared to fall asleep.
I dunno how to rid myself from this presence.
I've tried praying and i still feel the darkness.
I've tried reading scriptures and I feel lost and alone.
I try watching TV to focus on something else, The darkness stays.
I leave my light on until I'm on the verge of falling asleep.
I don't know how to get rid of this darkness.
It's really bothersome.
Writing about this darkness I'm feeling it right now.
I wish I knew what it was so i could get rid of it.
it's a very unsettling feeling. 

So I'm A BURDEN

Me - I feel like I'm a burden
Dad - You are
Me - well if I'm such a burden why did you take me to the hospital?
Dad - cuz i want to see you succeed and to see you happy.



you know what i get out of this. That I'm A Burden.  I shouldn't be here cuz i cause too much weight on other people.
Thanks dad love you too.
JERK

what do i do???

Do i go to this 12 step program for Eating Disorders and I fess up to some of the things i do or don't do? or do i just don't go? 
I'm sick of food and having it in my face but cuz all i do is frigging eat... well i do go through phases of fasting and binging and B/P 
I want help, I want the help to not eat... to fast, to be strong, to resist food.  I don't want full help until I'm to my goal weight.
It's free to go to. 
what would you suggest i do? Go... or don't go?

Some of my writtings

I want to be validated
Be told it's OK to be able to hurt, get mad, feel angry, be upset, and be furious.
I don't want family to make me feel guilty for feeling emotion.

Sometimes I feel like I'm attacked by some people in my family when I show emotion. Like I'm not allowed to show or feel that emotion.



Wrote this when i stopped all communication with a friend that was not good for me.
I don't understand, but it feels as though there is a hole inside of me.
A hole that once was filled with lies, lies that i wanted to believe.
That you really cared for me, like friends care for each other.
That I really am attractive.
Now everything that i once hoped is not shattered.

TWILIGHT QUOTE and why i like it so...

Quote I like From the Book Twilight - Bella is talking to Edward...

How do you do it? Living the way you do, when it would be EASIER to live like others like you?


BELLA - Why do you do it? I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what you are? Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do. I just don't see why you would bother in the first place.

EDWARD - Just because we've been dealt a certain hand, it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above. To conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted, to try to retain whatever essential humanity we can.

Why do i like this quote so much?
It's so true, we all get dealt hands in life that we don't want, but why do we keep going on? Because we want the best outcome, sometimes we make a mistake but we can always correct that mistake and steer our car to go down the path that we want to go down.

My collage Notebook

Some of these things I did before my stay at the hospital others I did after my stay at the hospital... It's in random order.

LOVE YOUR SELF - what does that mean to me?
I need to learn to love myself for who I am and accept my flaws/negative and the positive.

Jillian Michales - I think she's amazing how she won't let an "excuse" stop her from doing what needs to be done (workout wise)

SMILE MORE - I need to smile more. Everyone tells me I have such a beautiful smile. I should share it with the world around me. You never know what a smile will do to another persons day.


Becoming Your Own Best
HOPE
If you can't become your own best hope what can you hope for in life?













PILLS
Diet Pills - I want so badly to be thin. I'll take diet pills with hardly any food so i can get the most from the pills.
I've taken so many diet pills that i can't even name all of them.
GREEN TEA (the brands I dunno), Lipitrol, Internal Fat Flush, And Many more...

Anti Depressants - With out them I'd probably end my life. Sad to say but it's true. I'm not in my right mind set and I don't think straight when I'm not on them... So I'm gonna have to be on them for the rest of my life.
Others - I take to NUMB my feelings. To relieve physical pain and every once in a while just to take.
Collar bones, Skinny arms, Flat toned Tummy, Toned.

Skinny legs, Flat stomach, Perfection.

Strong, space between Legs!!!

Perfection.







Drink more water - Cleanse Your Body - Water = Thin

My Goal - Flat toned stomach

Scale - Weigh weigh and weigh

My goal - Toned sleek body. Toned arms toned stomach.

My Homework assignments

Home work I'm giving myself or someone has given me: Write when I think about (person i shouldn't think about) Where I'm at, what I'm doing, and what I'm thinking about. Go to more church activities face my fear of social outings if I have anxiety then at least I'll know I'm still alive, and I have my anxiety meds I can take if it seems like too much anxiety. Crochet a row each day (I'm working on making a rag). Fill out application for Medicaid. Finish listening to codependent no more. Do Anthony Robbins CD's. And find a way to earn extra $$$.$$

Why write when I think about this person? Because my counselor wants to help me find out a pattern or to see if there is a pattern. Where am I at? What am I doing? What am I thinking about in detail about this person? etc.

Church activities, why attend those? It's a safe environment for one. It'll get me interacting with others, and get me out of the house. I tend to get anxiety with social situations so this will help me face them in a good environment.

Crocheting. I've been watching my grandma crochet all my life, she taught my cousin how to crochet and he made a drawstring bag with crocheting, he's made lots of Benni's (SP?) and lots of other crafts. I think it'd be fun to learn and a good way to help me deal with my anxiety.

Read Codependent No More, My counselor wants me to read the book cuz she thinks I may be codependent. and my dad wants me to do Anthony Robbins cuz he thinks that he'd help me over come or help me face my problems. IDK but I need to overcome the hardships in my life and if these are what people are recommending I do I'm gonna give it a shot.

$$$.$$ How to do that. I'm gonna call the plasma center and see if I'm allowed to donate/sell my plasma or if the medications I'm taking won't allow me to do so.

Control

How do you avoid sore joints? I workout and the next day it hurts to move cuz my joints are hurting when i run down the stairs. I don't want to stop working out... so if any one has any advice on how they ease their joint pain please share.











CONTROL
How do i gain more control? I feel as though I'm out of control with my food and my portions. I feel like I keep binging and that's all i think about. I'm wondering if it's how I'm coping with my feelings instead of cutting and numbing myself I'm thinking I'm consuming to feel better altho I feel worse for eating so horribly.
Any suggestions?

$MONEY$

$$$.$$
$,$$$,$$$.$$ that would be nice to have that much money.
I owe my dad money cuz of some of the things I've done cuz of depression (long story Not gonna go into it, if you know me you know the details)
So I'm needing a job. I'm scared to go get a job... I'm scared it'll be too much stress and it'll cause me to have a mental break down, well that's why I'm in debt to my dad. UGH. it's frustrating.
I don't know how parents do the things they do. How do they provide shelter over our heads, medical insurance, cars, car insurance, food, water, heat, electricity, be there for us when we feel we can't go on much longer, still stay sane, provide for our extra activities like dancing or soccer, or whatever it is that you did ... Parents do so much for us. I don't understand how they do so much and not break down.
Maybe cuz they just have to be strong.
I dunno how i got from money to parents... but in a way I understand... I don't understand how parents make enough money to provide things they do. How am I to go into the world and survive when I don't understand... it all just seem so hard and I dunno how to overcome that and just go for it.
So how am i to get anywhere if i live in fear of the hardships??? UGH
I guess take it a step at a time... and accept their support and love that they give me.

useless post

My ipod is going out... I'm sad that it is cuz I love it dearly, but I am thankful for the nice wonderful years it's given me.
I love the way you lie...
why would you love the way someone lies? Don't make sense to me...
This is kind of a useless blog tonight... just feel like typing...
This pic was taken about 5 years ago.

I'm burning you out of my life

"when you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place" Unknown

This is one quote i need to work on remembering when things get tough. Remember how strong I really am and not let the pain overcome me.

So I've stopped communicating with a so called friend last month this "friend" was not good for me... is not good for me. I care for this friend, and a part of me feels I am nothing without this "friends" approval. So i wrote a little something just to vent...

I don't understand it but it feels as though there is a hole inside of me.
A hole that once was filled with lies, lies i wanted to believe.
That you really cared for me like friends care for each other.
That I really am attractive. Now everything that i once hoped is now shattered.

So I'm working on forgetting about this so called friend, burning this person out of my life for good.

So Small

So Small sung by Carrie Underwood

Yeah, Yeah
What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
its okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
but don't run out on your faith

'cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

it's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river that’s so wide
it swallows you whole
while you siting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you cant get it back

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else...
oh it sure makes everything else seem so small
Yeah, Yeah

Yeah, Yeah
What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
its okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
but don't run out on your faith

Love, is peace, kindness, charity, service. It’s ok to love others, yes it’s hard to share love when you’re down but it makes you feel better. Don’t lose that faith or the love

'cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

Mountains are trials, and sometimes we feel so small how can I face this trial alone I’m just one person, all we need is faith to make it through, we’ve got the lord on our side, he’ll help guide us to the right path.

it's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river that’s so wide
it swallows you whole
while you siting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you cant get it back

There are times our trials seem so big we get lost in our feelings and forget how to fight and we just wallow in our sorrows. Change how you’re dealing with things and make the moments count as they pass you by.

The Climb

THE CLIMB (sung by Miley Cyrus)

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

..............................................

What the song means to me

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

The negative voice in your head when you’re working on accomplishing your goals.

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

Sometimes it feels as though you’re going nowhere, when in fact you are, they’re just small steps. We take lots of small steps in our life. It’s the small ones that lead us down the path we’re going.

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Mountains are the struggles we face. We sometimes are gonna wanna throw it away, run away, just not deal with the struggles, thus it’s gonna be an up hill battle. We never lose, it may feel like we have lost but as long as we keep on working on we have won, it’s when we give up that we lose.

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

coping skills... people i can talk to... I have...

Coping Skills...
Go for a walk
workout
yoga/platies
deep breathing
watch TV
Stretching
positive self talk
vent
(others shared with me...)
something relaxing

calling a good friend

laying on the floor closing your eyes and releasing your muscles
doodling on a piece of paper
counting to 100 or however high you can go
singing your favorite song
writing
calling a good friend
Communication with others
naps
breaking pencils plastic silverware etc.
Pray
Read a book
Go to lunch with a friend
Organize

(if you know of more please share them with me)

People i can talk to...
Desi (my cousin) she's good at making me think about why i am feeling the way I'm feeling. and she gives good advice.
Dad - good at lecturing, giving me advice, and reassuring me that everything will be okay.
Mom - she does what mom's do best... comfort.
Kelsea - she gives me that spiritual uplift when i need the uplift.
Taresa - Good at understanding, and helping me know that i'm not the only one who suffers out here.
Katie - she deals with a lot of the same things i deal with she's good at listening and just being there for me.

Things i got diagnosed with...
Reading Disorder -People with this learning disorder have a problem with their reading skills. Their reading skills are significantly below what is normal considering the person's age, intelligence, and education. The poor reading skills cause problems with the student's academic success and/or other important areas in life.

Mathematics Disorder - People with a mathematics disorder have problems with their math skills. Their math skills are significantly below normal considering the person's age, intelligence, and education. The poor math skills cause problems with the student's academic success and other important areas in the student's life.

Disorder of Written language - People with written expression disorder have a problem with their writing skills. Their writing skills are significantly below what is normal considering the person's age, intelligence, and education. The poor writing skills cause problems with the student's academic success or other important areas of life.

ADHD (predominantly inattentive type) - is one of the three subtypes of Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

• Often does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities.
• Often has trouble keeping attention on tasks or play activities.
• Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
• Often does not follow instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions).
• Often has trouble organizing activities.
• Often avoids, dislikes, or doesn't want to do things that take a lot of mental effort for a long period (such as schoolwork or homework).
• Often loses things needed for tasks and activities (e.g. toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools).
• Is often easily distracted.
• Is often forgetful in daily activities.
  

Major Depressive Disorder - is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and by loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.

Social phobia -

Mental health professionals often distinguish between generalized social phobia and specific social phobia.^[1] People with generalized social phobia have great distress in a wide range of social situations. Those with specific social phobia may experience anxiety only in a few situations.^[1] The term "specific social phobia" may also refer to specific forms of non-clinical social anxiety.

The most common symptoms of specific social phobia are glossophobia, the fear of public speaking and the fear of performance, known as stage fright. Other examples of specific social phobia include fears of writing or eating in public, using public restrooms (paruresis), attending social gatherings, and dealing with authorities.

Specific social phobia may be classified into performance fears and interaction fears, i.e., fears of acting in social setting and interacting with other people, respectively.

Border personality disorder - (BPD) is a personality disorder described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person (generally over the age of eighteen years, although it is also found in adolescents), characterized by depth and variability of moods. The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; black and white thinking, or splitting; the disorder often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes, as well as chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.

I'm gonna be gone for a few days

but remember.
The best things in life don't last forever that's why they're called the best things in life. =)

ER Trip

went to the ER. took 16 clonazepam at .5mg took 5 water pills dunno the MG to those and 20 Benadryl at 25mg each.
I told my mom she ended up calling 911... I Hardly remember the ride to the hospital... I was so out of it.
They put a tube down my throat and pumped the pills outta my stomach. (I wanna make me one of them so when i binge i can use that to get the food out instead of vomit. I'm gonna google to see how to make one.
They didn't put me inpatient the let me out I had to sign a form saying I wouldn't hurt myself. blah blah blah... I'll try not too... but we'll see. I"m super tired so i should be heading off to bed.
Love you girls hope your doing better than i am

GOOD BYE

I'm crying as i write this.
I've been lied to too many times. I asked him to be dead honest with me. "are you and that chick dating?" his reply is "No, I'm using the bitch for her money." I'd ask him that over and over and over again and He always gave me the same answer. He'd call me non stop to the point I finally changed my number. I'm not believed by his mom that he would call me. I feel horrible I just want this pain to end but i dunno how to end it.
Come to find out Him and His Bitch are dating and in every way Married "except for it being official" I wouldn't not be so damn hurt if he would just have told me the damn truth, in the beginning, cuz the truth always comes out in the end. If he's Using her, makes me wonder what he'd want to use me for? I told him I wouldn't be doing anything i don't want to do. (cuz it makes me feel too guilty) But every time he called me I had that gut feeling that he wanted more than just to talk. I wouldn't bring it up and I've asked him to not bring it up so he didn't. but why LIE TO ME???????? I'M SO DONE!!! GOOD BYE!!!

Pills Don't Work

Love yourself unconditionally, just as you love those closest to you despite their faults.
Les Brown

like they should. i took 5 benadryl and an hour later i'm still not feeling numb so i took the last four (so that's nine in total) an hour later still nothing it's not numbing me so i took two clonzepam that finally worked but it's not working as well as it use to. UGH... It is either pills i take or i cut... sometimes i do both if the pills don't kick in fast enough.
Am i becoming an addict to pills?
I am just sick of feeling and i want to be numb.

Have you Seen Emma Smith: My Story

"Strength is not something you have but something with God's help you find."
- Emma Smith

I got the quote from the movie. I really like this quote.

quote of the day

When I live in the past, I live in regret. When I live in the future, I live in fear. When I stay in the NOW, everything's always okay

I'm gonna start working on finding a quote a day and posting it on here and then if i have anything to update on i'll share my updates or just leave it as is

Things I've Made

what i hate... what i like...

Hates it when ya wake up at 5:30 and can't go back to sleep and you're not ready to get up for the day. UGH... Oh well. Oh and I also don't like it when you don't wanna get up when you just wanna sleep in bed all day long. Why do we suffer with depression? What's the point of it? I also don't like when one scale says you weigh one weight and the other says a different weight... What is my real weight???? So enough about what i don't like...

What do i like?
I like the smell of rain, the sound of thunder, those happy moments even if they last for a few seconds, getting a good nights rest, friends, family, losing weight.

What do you Like?

Wintergirls

If your a wintergirl (not winter-girl) you are a person that is not fully dead, but not fully alive either. You are stuck between the worlds. The realm of the dead, and the living....

a summery of the book...

“Dead girl walking,” the boys say in the halls.
“Tell us your secret,” the girls whisper, one toilet to another.
I am that girl.
I am the space between my thighs, daylight shining through.
I am the bones they want, wired on a porcelain frame.

Lia and Cassie are best friends, wintergirls frozen in matchstick bodies, competitors in a deadly contest to see who can be the skinniest. But what comes after size zero and size double-zero? When Cassie succumbs to the demons within, Lia feels she is being haunted by her friend’s restless spirit.

In her most emotionally wrenching, lyrically written book since the multiple-award-winning Speak, Laurie Halse Anderson explores Lia’s descent into the powerful vortex of anorexia, and her painful path toward recovery.

The Little Rascals

Dear Darla, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes! Love, Alfalfa.

So there is this person i know... this person has not been very kind to me, yet I let him control me/my feelings (so my counselors say) well I noticed this person is back in town and i swear to you I'm having so much anxiety that i literally feel like vomiting. my anxiety is so bad. But just thinking of how bad my anxiety is made me think of the not Alfalfa writes to Darla in The Little Rascals.

I can also dedicate the song I hate everything about you... Why do I, Love you? I care for this person so much, but at the same time I hate this person so much. well not hate the person but hate what the person has done to me. How the person causes me to have anxiety.

I need to learn to not let this person "control" me. baby steps is what i want to do.... but i need to just cut it off all at once. and say "I'M DONE!"
if only it were that easy

update sat - today/monday

I dunno what to write... but i need to post something
On Saturday i walked in the room to find my dad and his sister fighting. I could see the tension and how they have a strained relationship. It hit me then if i don't change things with my sister now in 30 years my sister and I will be where my dad and my aunt are today. Having that realization i got really depressed and got bad anxiety.
On top of that i felt huge that day and every time i turned around food was being shoved in my face. (I think this is more the reason for my anxiety that day) We went to El Matador and i felt as though i was getting no air in me... i couldn't breath. I took two anxiety pills... finished my dinner and just felt down. ugh...
Sunday I dunno if i really was sick or if my anxiety had gotten so bad that it had made me sick. I was vomiting, vomiting, vomiting. not fun at all
Today Monday... went and helped clan my grandpa's house My word pack rats (my aunt lives with him and it's totally pigsty) I dunno how anyone could live in such a mess my anxiety kicks in at the house and all i want to do is clean clean clean clean until it's all clean.

Zumba

I went to my very first Zumba class today. Went with my mom. It was a lot of fun. my left leg did get sore and my foot that i broke back in high school got sore too. =( those are the only down side... so my goal is to lose about 30lbs before i go back in hopes that it'll be easier on my body, cuz it's got impounding moves. all in all I really enjoyed the class... if you're interested in trying Zumba give it a shot. it's worth the time and energy. =)

I'm still here... alive

So i figured i should let yall know i'm still here, alive... doing better than i was but still not as good as i wish i could be doing. So in our main bathroom there's a scripture:
Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee
and in the downstairs bathroom there's a saying:
When i look in the mirror -
what do i see?
a treasure an original
cause there's only one me!
I am aware that i am less
Than some people prefer me to be
But most people are unaware that
I am much more than what they see.

Just thought i'd share these two thoughts for the day.

Airplanes - AND THE DEEPER MEANING IT HAS TO ME!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8QH71YQnm0

Airplanes
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

Yeah
I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
Cause after all the partyin’ and smashin’ and crashin’
And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you’re staring at that phone in your lap
And you hoping but them people never call you back
But that’s just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel
And they sayin’ what would you wish for
If you had one chance
So airplane airplane sorry I’m late
I’m on my way so don’t close that gate
If I don’t make that then I’ll switch my flight
And I’ll be right back at it by the end of the night

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

Somebody take me back to the days
Before this was a job, before I got paid
Before it ever mattered what I had in my bank
Yeah back when I was tryin’ to get a tip at subway
lyrics courtesy of www.killerhiphop.com
And back when I was rappin’ for the hell of it
But now a days we rappin’ to stay relevant
I’m guessin that if we can make some wishes outta airplanes
Then maybe yo maybe I’ll go back to the days
Before the politics that we call the rap game
And back when ain’t nobody listened to my mix tape
And back before I tried to cover up my slang
But this is for Decatur, what’s up Bobby Ray
So can I get a wish to end the politics
And get back to the music that started this sh-t
So here I stand and then again I say
I’m hopin’ we can make some wishes outta airplanes

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why I really like this song

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars (*I LOVE LOVE LOVE STARS, AND SHOOTING STARS*)
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)(*I COULD USE A WISH... WISH TO TAKE THINGS BACK... A WISH IN WHICH IS SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE MY DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY LESS OF A BURDEN ON ME*)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now

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Yeah
I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this (*GO BACK IN TIME WHEN I WAS NOT AS CORRUPTED AS I AM NOW... BUT HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE I HAVE TO AVOID THE PLACE I AM TODAY*)
Cause after all the partyin’ and smashin’ and crashin’
And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you’re staring at that phone in your lap
And you hoping but them people never call you back (*ALL THAT STUFF IS OF EVIL AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T REALIZE IT UNTIL YOU'RE ALREADY CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL... I DON'T WANT HIM TO CALL ME... I WANT HIM OUT OF MY LIFE... THUS I'M CHANGING MY NUMBER THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO BE STRONG*)
But that’s just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel
And they sayin’ what would you wish for
If you had one chance
So airplane airplane sorry I’m late
I’m on my way so don’t close that gate
If I don’t make that then I’ll switch my flight
And I’ll be right back at it by the end of the night

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Somebody take me back to the days
Before this was a job, before I got paid
Before it ever mattered what I had in my bank
Yeah back when I was tryin’ to get a tip at subway
And back when I was rappin’ for the hell of it
But now a days we rappin’ to stay relevant
I’m guessin that if we can make some wishes outta airplanes
Then maybe yo maybe I’ll go back to the days
Before the politics that we call the rap game
And back when ain’t nobody listened to my mix tape
And back before I tried to cover up my slang
But this is for Decatur, what’s up Bobby Ray
So can I get a wish to end the politics
And get back to the music that started this sh-t
So here I stand and then again I say
I’m hopin’ we can make some wishes outta airplanes

(THIS PARAGRAPH DON'T REALLY DO WITH WHAT GOES ON WITH ME... I'M NOT MAKING A LIVING OUT OF THE MISTAKES I'VE MADE BUT THE MISTAKES I'VE MADE DOES CAUSE ME PAIN AND ANXIETY AND FEAR... I WANNA GO BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL SO I GUESS IN A WAY IT DOES CUZ I LET MY FEAR OF NOT LIVING UP TO OTHERS EXPECTATION GET TO ME.)

BUT THIS IS HOW I RELATE TO THIS SONG.

Bout Anxiety and the things i feel....

If worries and fears are preventing you from living your life the way you'd like to, you may be suffering from an anxiety disorder. The good news is, there are many anxiety treatments and self-help strategies that can help you reduce your anxiety symptoms and take back control of your life.

It’s normal to worry and feel tense or scared when under pressure or facing a stressful situation. Anxiety is the body’s natural response to danger, an automatic alarm that goes off when we feel threatened.

Although it may be unpleasant, anxiety isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, anxiety can help us stay alert and focused, spur us to action, and motivate us to solve problems. But when anxiety is constant or overwhelming, when it interferes with your relationships and activities—that’s when you’ve crossed the line from normal anxiety into the territory of anxiety disorders.

Physical symptoms of anxiety

Anxiety is more than just a feeling. As a product of the body’s fight-or-flight response, anxiety involves a wide range of physical symptoms. Because of the numerous physical symptoms, anxiety sufferers often mistake their disorder for a medical illness. They may visit many doctors and make numerous trips to the hospital before their anxiety disorder is discovered.

Common physical symptoms of anxiety include:

Pounding heart Sweating Stomach upset or dizziness Frequent urination or diarrhea Shortness of breath

Tremors and twitches Muscle tension Headaches Fatigue Insomnia

Symptoms of an anxiety attack include:

Surge of overwhelming panic Feeling of losing control or going crazy Heart palpitations or chest pain Feeling like you’re going to pass out Trouble breathing or choking sensation

Hyperventilation Hot flashes or chills Trembling or shaking Nausea or stomach cramps Feeling detached or unreal

Emotional symptoms of anxiety

In addition to the primary symptoms of irrational and excessive fear and worry, other common emotional symptoms of anxiety include:

Feelings of apprehension or dread Trouble concentrating Feeling tense and jumpy Anticipating the worst

Irritability Restlessness Watching for signs of danger Feeling like your mind’s gone blank