Went through hell at the end of last year.
I got pulled over for drinking and driving, but when I blew into the breathalyzer I was under the legal limit.
I got pregnant, freaked out emotionally. I would silently scream at the thing growing inside me telling it to go away, that it wasn't wanted, that neither the dad and I wanted it, so to get out of me.
I was also raped... that was no fun and it was horrible.
I had a miscarriage. I blame myself for the miscarriage because I feel if I would have been more accepting it would not have died. but oh well. Life goes on.
This year has been alright.
I'm drinking a lot more...
so now my friend keeps my alcohol at his place so he can keep an eye on my drinking.
I'm not a fan of my APRN (Med Nurse/Dr.) because I don't feel like she truly listens... but I'm also scared of change.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Friday, January 17, 2014
Disney
What’s Mickey without Minnie
What’s Tigger without Pooh
Whats Donald without Daisy
that’s me without you
&
When Elmo isn’t ticklish,
and Pooh Bear hates honey,
When Tigger stops bouncing,
and Goofy isn’t funny.
What’s Tigger without Pooh
Whats Donald without Daisy
that’s me without you
&
When Elmo isn’t ticklish,
and Pooh Bear hates honey,
When Tigger stops bouncing,
and Goofy isn’t funny.
When Peter Pan can’t fly,
and Simba never roars,
When Alice in Wonderland
can’t fit through small doors.
and Simba never roars,
When Alice in Wonderland
can’t fit through small doors.
When Dumbo’s ears are small,
and Happily Ever After isn’t true
That’s when I’ll stop loving you.
and Happily Ever After isn’t true
That’s when I’ll stop loving you.
Have you heard of tiny Melinda Mae
Have you heard of tiny Melinda Mae,
Who ate a monstrous whale?
She thought she could,
She said she would,
So she started in right at the tail.
And everyone said,”You’re much too small,”
But that didn’t bother Melinda at all,
She took little bites and she chewed very slow,
Just like a good girl should…
…and in eighty-nine years she ate that whale
Because she said she would!
Who ate a monstrous whale?
She thought she could,
She said she would,
So she started in right at the tail.
And everyone said,”You’re much too small,”
But that didn’t bother Melinda at all,
She took little bites and she chewed very slow,
Just like a good girl should…
…and in eighty-nine years she ate that whale
Because she said she would!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Freaking out inside, screaming
I'm freaking out inside, screaming, wanting someone to understand.
I don't feel worthy to share my struggle or my feelings.
My birthday is coming up January 1st. I'll be 29 and what do I have to show for it?
NOTHING.
No college degree. Never been on a date, never been kissed.
I've been used, manipulated, and treated like crap.
I've struggled with depression, cutting, binging, and hating myself.
I'm scared. and each day closer to My birthday the more down and terrified I get.
I don't feel worthy to share my struggle or my feelings.
My birthday is coming up January 1st. I'll be 29 and what do I have to show for it?
NOTHING.
No college degree. Never been on a date, never been kissed.
I've been used, manipulated, and treated like crap.
I've struggled with depression, cutting, binging, and hating myself.
I'm scared. and each day closer to My birthday the more down and terrified I get.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Hospitalizations of 2013
- July 19 I went into the hospital because I had planned out a suicide plan. while I was there we got to paint ceramics, and it is something now that I'd like to do more often. It is nice being creative. The doctor that was treating me gave me a new diagnosis of Bipolar. I got taken off my antidepressants and put on Lithium and seroquel, I stayed on Limictal and my klonopin went up from .5 to 1mg and I stayed on the Clonodine. I was discharged on July 31 from the hospital. When I got out of the hospital i was an emotional mess. Yelling at everyone snapping at people, crying over everything and nothing all at the same time. I was miserable. No one was happy being around me because I made their life a living hell.
- August 28- September 4th I was hospitalized again, I was having suicidal thoughts and I was a mess from the lithium. The night I was admitted I immediately taken off the lithium. I now take .5mg of Klonopin, 200mg of limictal (half in morning half at night), .1mg of colonidne (twice a day), Seroquel at 100mg and I'm on a new medication called viibryd at 20mg. I started to feel better but recently I really want to cut and numb out with my pills. I really hate feeling so miserable I don't want to cry. I want to be happy. I guess I'll just take it one day at a time. it feels like my blood in my arms are on fire, in my veins. I dunno what to do.
- August 28- September 4th I was hospitalized again, I was having suicidal thoughts and I was a mess from the lithium. The night I was admitted I immediately taken off the lithium. I now take .5mg of Klonopin, 200mg of limictal (half in morning half at night), .1mg of colonidne (twice a day), Seroquel at 100mg and I'm on a new medication called viibryd at 20mg. I started to feel better but recently I really want to cut and numb out with my pills. I really hate feeling so miserable I don't want to cry. I want to be happy. I guess I'll just take it one day at a time. it feels like my blood in my arms are on fire, in my veins. I dunno what to do.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
If you have had or have an Eating Disorder Please Help.
I have always wanted to write an article or paper of some kind to bring awareness about eating disorders, the eating disorders not just the two common ones people think of when they hear eating disorder.
My points I would like to focus on are:
1. When & how did you get the disorder, what were the environmental triggers that brought on the eating disorder behaviors.
2. Do you want to recover? If there is something that scares you about recovery what is it? 3. Have you ever been in recovery?
4. What is and has been the hardest thing about having an eating disorder?
5. What is or has been the hardest part of recovery?
6. if there were/was/is something about eating disorders that you would want the public to be more aware about what would it be.
7. If you could think of a way to make treatment for eating disorders more affordable, what would it be, in your opinion ?
These are my answers to the questions.
1. From the time I can remember I have always obsessed over food. If my cousin was not going to finish her frosting off her cake I would eat it for her. I was never fat but I was never fit... I was somewhere in the in between until I hit high school. In high school my friends got on the cheer squad. They developed friendships I started to eat more. My mom noticed and would tell me to watch what I was eating so I could be more aware. My mom wanted me to be healthy but I would take what she said as an insult. It was not until I got off to college I would binge on food then not eat for a day. I got depressed and locked myself in my room. Then after college I had a friend who exploited our friendship. He touched me and stuff... I really turned to food after that.
2. I hate this binging its out of control, it controls me. I will go on a liquid fast and do good.... So I know I have control when I am fasting. Truth is I am scared to stop binging because I am scared of failure. As much as I hate myself and the way I look I find the fear more intense.
3. Never been in recovery.
4. Hating my appearance, being out of shape, feeling out of control, fear of what others think.
5.
6. Eating Disorders come in all shapes and sizes.
7. Eating disorders tend to define who we are. So I would want every patient in treatment to find their talent (crochet, knit, paint, sing, dance or show off flexibility, share a poem or a short story, put on a little skit) and once every 6 months or so have an auction/talent show and a dinner the treatment center puts on for the public for a cost of like 10 dollars a ticket and the benefit can help the community to become more aware and the treatment center will use the money to help fund that treatment center.
My points I would like to focus on are:
1. When & how did you get the disorder, what were the environmental triggers that brought on the eating disorder behaviors.
2. Do you want to recover? If there is something that scares you about recovery what is it? 3. Have you ever been in recovery?
4. What is and has been the hardest thing about having an eating disorder?
5. What is or has been the hardest part of recovery?
6. if there were/was/is something about eating disorders that you would want the public to be more aware about what would it be.
7. If you could think of a way to make treatment for eating disorders more affordable, what would it be, in your opinion ?
These are my answers to the questions.
1. From the time I can remember I have always obsessed over food. If my cousin was not going to finish her frosting off her cake I would eat it for her. I was never fat but I was never fit... I was somewhere in the in between until I hit high school. In high school my friends got on the cheer squad. They developed friendships I started to eat more. My mom noticed and would tell me to watch what I was eating so I could be more aware. My mom wanted me to be healthy but I would take what she said as an insult. It was not until I got off to college I would binge on food then not eat for a day. I got depressed and locked myself in my room. Then after college I had a friend who exploited our friendship. He touched me and stuff... I really turned to food after that.
2. I hate this binging its out of control, it controls me. I will go on a liquid fast and do good.... So I know I have control when I am fasting. Truth is I am scared to stop binging because I am scared of failure. As much as I hate myself and the way I look I find the fear more intense.
3. Never been in recovery.
4. Hating my appearance, being out of shape, feeling out of control, fear of what others think.
5.
6. Eating Disorders come in all shapes and sizes.
7. Eating disorders tend to define who we are. So I would want every patient in treatment to find their talent (crochet, knit, paint, sing, dance or show off flexibility, share a poem or a short story, put on a little skit) and once every 6 months or so have an auction/talent show and a dinner the treatment center puts on for the public for a cost of like 10 dollars a ticket and the benefit can help the community to become more aware and the treatment center will use the money to help fund that treatment center.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
how it feels
Feels...
weird...
Like my body is drugged...
Like my limbs have ice flowing through the veins...
Sometimes I can't breath...
A knot in my chest...
Nauseated...
Dull...
Depressed...
Sobbing almost to the point of hyperventilating...
Yet I still come to school... Go to work... even though I feel like i'm falling apart... would rather be in bed asleep. But i can't let this control me. I have to stay in charge and tell it to screw off and leave me alone. But It does not like to listen. So what do I do... I write... I cry... I'm talking more... I don't want to go where i was last time i felt this way... I know I can be happy again... even though it feels impossible... I can get through this...
weird...
Like my body is drugged...
Like my limbs have ice flowing through the veins...
Sometimes I can't breath...
A knot in my chest...
Nauseated...
Dull...
Depressed...
Sobbing almost to the point of hyperventilating...
Yet I still come to school... Go to work... even though I feel like i'm falling apart... would rather be in bed asleep. But i can't let this control me. I have to stay in charge and tell it to screw off and leave me alone. But It does not like to listen. So what do I do... I write... I cry... I'm talking more... I don't want to go where i was last time i felt this way... I know I can be happy again... even though it feels impossible... I can get through this...
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Decided to look up anxiety symptoms...
To see if it explains what's going on with me or if I'm actually getting ill.
http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms.shtml is the sight i found the anxiety symptoms.
Diarrhea
IBS
Lack of appetite or taste
Constant craving for sugar or sweets
Nausea or abdominal stress
Numbness
Stomach upset, gas, belching, bloating
Difficulty falling or staying asleep(when is that not a problem though?)
You feel worse in the mornings
Suddenly snapping
Losing it
Always feeling angry and lack of patience
Depression
Feeling down in the dumps
Frequently being on edge or 'grouchy'
Feel like crying for no apparent reason
You feel like you are under pressure all the time
You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders
Having difficulty concentrating
Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do
Fear of making mistakes or making a fool of yourself to others
A heightened fear of what people think of you
Find it hard to breath, feeling smothered, shortness of breath
Chest pain or discomfort
No energy, feeling lethargic, tired
Night sweats, waking up in a sweat, profusely sweating at night
Increased or decreased sex drive
Flu-like symptoms, general malaise, feel ill, like you are coming down with a flu
Feel wrong, different, foreign, odd, or strange
Electric shock feeling, body zaps(not now but I've felt that way before)
Chronic Fatigue, exhaustion, super tired, worn out
It's Anxiety.
http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms.shtml is the sight i found the anxiety symptoms.
Diarrhea
IBS
Lack of appetite or taste
Constant craving for sugar or sweets
Nausea or abdominal stress
Numbness
Stomach upset, gas, belching, bloating
Difficulty falling or staying asleep(when is that not a problem though?)
You feel worse in the mornings
Suddenly snapping
Losing it
Always feeling angry and lack of patience
Depression
Feeling down in the dumps
Frequently being on edge or 'grouchy'
Feel like crying for no apparent reason
You feel like you are under pressure all the time
You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders
Having difficulty concentrating
Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do
Fear of making mistakes or making a fool of yourself to others
A heightened fear of what people think of you
Find it hard to breath, feeling smothered, shortness of breath
Chest pain or discomfort
No energy, feeling lethargic, tired
Night sweats, waking up in a sweat, profusely sweating at night
Increased or decreased sex drive
Flu-like symptoms, general malaise, feel ill, like you are coming down with a flu
Feel wrong, different, foreign, odd, or strange
Electric shock feeling, body zaps(not now but I've felt that way before)
Chronic Fatigue, exhaustion, super tired, worn out
It's Anxiety.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Update 4/16/13
Yesterday was hard... I gave into isolating myself. I have been trying to fight that, but it was that or crying all day long. I went to school. couldn't concentrate because my anxiety was so darn high. I went home and slept from 2-630. got up and got dressed again and went to a wedding. (my best friend was getting married) my mom and i went together. While we were driving i told her some how i was feeling. I told her I'm scared to tell her. (cuz i don't want her to worry about me) I told her how my anxiety has been so high, and how i feel i might need to get back onto medication. and she said most people get happy when the weather changes from winter to spring. I told her some of the reasons what might be the reason I've been feeling so down and high anxiety.
1. Easter break/Spring break in elementary school I was touched... I forgave the dude that did that (being that we were the same age and like 10 years old) He was still old enough to know he shouldn't be doing that but still young enough to not understand how it would affect me. well a few months ago he called and apologized and it has brought up feelings i didn't know existed. (when i told back in 5th grade what he did, he denied it and told me it must have been a dream) so when he admitted to it a few months ago... i knew it happened and I dunno how i feel about it. I'm thankful he apologized but I feel like i have some things to work through now.
2. 9 years ago somethings started happening withfriend I didn't want any of it to happen... I'd fight back but he was just as strong or stronger, i finally stopped fighting not cuz i was OK with it but because he was gonna do it one way or another. I was friends with him until about 2010 then I said I can't do this. I can't be friends with someone who is going to bring me down. Told my parents i needed my number changed. asked my mom to apologize to his mom for me for not telling someone when he first started touching me. If i wouldn't have wanted to be his friend so badly all of that stuff could have ended years sooner than it actually did.
3. 24 years ago... April 12th My sister was born... she had died. I always have wanted to be her older sister. and sometimes i feel like I'm the only person that remembers her. I want to celebrate her birthday for her. But i don't 100% think that Maryanne is the reason my anxiety and depression has kicked in this time of year... yeah I'll admit I'm sad about not getting the chance to be her sister here/now, but I understand that tragedy happens.
Only thing I can do is work through this.. I'm not going into that dark place again. as much as i don't want to get on meds, if i can't work through this I'll go back and get back on my meds again.
Britni
1. Easter break/Spring break in elementary school I was touched... I forgave the dude that did that (being that we were the same age and like 10 years old) He was still old enough to know he shouldn't be doing that but still young enough to not understand how it would affect me. well a few months ago he called and apologized and it has brought up feelings i didn't know existed. (when i told back in 5th grade what he did, he denied it and told me it must have been a dream) so when he admitted to it a few months ago... i knew it happened and I dunno how i feel about it. I'm thankful he apologized but I feel like i have some things to work through now.
2. 9 years ago somethings started happening with
3. 24 years ago... April 12th My sister was born... she had died. I always have wanted to be her older sister. and sometimes i feel like I'm the only person that remembers her. I want to celebrate her birthday for her. But i don't 100% think that Maryanne is the reason my anxiety and depression has kicked in this time of year... yeah I'll admit I'm sad about not getting the chance to be her sister here/now, but I understand that tragedy happens.
Only thing I can do is work through this.. I'm not going into that dark place again. as much as i don't want to get on meds, if i can't work through this I'll go back and get back on my meds again.
Britni
Monday, April 15, 2013
I want to go back to being "her"
I'm slipping back down. I'm looking for that rock to grab onto before I fall right back into that dark abyss. I'm not sure what has brought this on but I think i know. But before i go to guessing if i'm right about where this is coming from I wanna know what's normal and what's not. Maybe i should go into psychology and learn these things.
These things I'm finding on Wikipedia
A fear of being touched, hapnophobia.
Specific fears related to certain characteristics of the assailant, e.g. side-burns, straight hair, the smell of alcohol or cigarettes, type of clothing or car. (his cologne) (or guys that remind me of him/wearing ball caps)
Appetite disturbances such as nausea and vomiting. Rape survivors are also prone to developing anorexia nervosa and/or bulimia. (binging) and hating my body.
Violent fantasies of revenge may also arise.
May block thoughts of the assault from their minds and may not want to talk about the incident or any of the related issues. (They don't want to think about it). (yet i also want to talk about it too... it depends with who)
The underground stage may last for years and the victim seems as though that they are "over it", despite the fact the emotional issues are not resolved.(maybe i was not over it... and now it's resurfacing)
More commonly, assaults are committed by someone the victim knows and trusts. May be heightened feelings of self-blame and guilt.
Whether or not they were injured during a sexual assault, rape survivors exhibit higher rates of poor health in the months and years after an assault,[4] including acute somatoform disorders (physical symptoms with no identifiable cause).
They feel hesitant to enter new relationships.
and one i can't find... so if someone knows... please answer...
I don't want any sexual contact... but lately I've been pleasuring myself. (ashamed to admit) I'll get on my iPod and go to a chat room and be promiscuous there. I don't want to be that kind of person. is that common to not want anything yet want it at the same time?
I was cleaning/organizing my room and i found my journal and i started to read it. I had a complete break down. I was sweet and innocent. Now i feel dirty and unclean. I wanted to read my scriptures and say my prayers. I was happy for the most part. Yeah i did want to pierce my eyebrow at one point... made me laugh. I was excited that my dads friend and I have the same birthday. (January 1st) I loved dance. Dance was my world. I miss that me. I want to go back to being her. but after what she's gone through it's impossible to be her. I can only pretend to be her cuz I'll never be her again.
These things I'm finding on Wikipedia
A fear of being touched, hapnophobia.
Specific fears related to certain characteristics of the assailant, e.g. side-burns, straight hair, the smell of alcohol or cigarettes, type of clothing or car. (his cologne) (or guys that remind me of him/wearing ball caps)
Appetite disturbances such as nausea and vomiting. Rape survivors are also prone to developing anorexia nervosa and/or bulimia. (binging) and hating my body.
Violent fantasies of revenge may also arise.
May block thoughts of the assault from their minds and may not want to talk about the incident or any of the related issues. (They don't want to think about it). (yet i also want to talk about it too... it depends with who)
The underground stage may last for years and the victim seems as though that they are "over it", despite the fact the emotional issues are not resolved.(maybe i was not over it... and now it's resurfacing)
More commonly, assaults are committed by someone the victim knows and trusts. May be heightened feelings of self-blame and guilt.
Whether or not they were injured during a sexual assault, rape survivors exhibit higher rates of poor health in the months and years after an assault,[4] including acute somatoform disorders (physical symptoms with no identifiable cause).
They feel hesitant to enter new relationships.
and one i can't find... so if someone knows... please answer...
I don't want any sexual contact... but lately I've been pleasuring myself. (ashamed to admit) I'll get on my iPod and go to a chat room and be promiscuous there. I don't want to be that kind of person. is that common to not want anything yet want it at the same time?
I was cleaning/organizing my room and i found my journal and i started to read it. I had a complete break down. I was sweet and innocent. Now i feel dirty and unclean. I wanted to read my scriptures and say my prayers. I was happy for the most part. Yeah i did want to pierce my eyebrow at one point... made me laugh. I was excited that my dads friend and I have the same birthday. (January 1st) I loved dance. Dance was my world. I miss that me. I want to go back to being her. but after what she's gone through it's impossible to be her. I can only pretend to be her cuz I'll never be her again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)