Why is it so difficult (spiritual)

I am not sure why it's so difficult for me to kneel down and pray. Am I scared? If I'm scared, what am I scared of?  Scared that Heavenly Father will roll his eyes and mumble under his breath stop being so dramatic? (my dad has said that to me when I was crying and struggling) Scared that I won't be heard? (a lot in life I will say something and I feel no one will acknowledged what I have said... and being shy doesn't help cuz then it makes it harder to talk when I'm not acknowledged) Because I feel unworthy to pray/ that I have sinned too much to even have my prayers answered? 

I don't like feeling like I need to pray when I'm so scared to do so. I want to understand why it's so difficult for me to pray. I know that Heavenly Father is real, and that Jesus Christ came to earth and suffered and died for us, and I know the holy ghost is real, I've felt the holy ghost. So why is it so difficult to pray?  Don't get me wrong I do say little prayers in my heart for family and friends who may be struggling, I ask that they be comforted and know that they are cared for, but I feel I need to get down and pray, thank the Lord for all my blessing that I have, for my family and friends, to seek help and guidance in my everyday life, and to talk to my Father in Heaven like I do a friend and trust that he is there listening to what I have to say.  

I am going to take this a baby step at a time, I need to get over this and just kneel down and pray... so if baby steps is what it takes to get me there than that's what I'll do. 

Britni

I'm getting PUSHED onto The Back Burner...

I honestly feel like I'm being pushed onto the back burner.  Like I don't matter.  I'm struggling and I feel I'm unable to get the help I need. I'm not sure how to even express what I'm feeling. Voc Rehab has said if I need help to pay for sessions so I can see my counselor... I've tried getting a hold of them and I'm not hearing a thing.  Why can't they let me know what's going on?  They've set me up with an employment specialist (the employment specialist works for Valley Services, a place that's helping me find a job) and she tells me that my Voc Rehab counselor told her that they can't help pay for counseling... Why can't my Voc Rehab counselor call me and tell me that herself? 

I know the economy is crap right now and it's hell to find a job... I'm looking for night/graves, you'd think I'd be able to find something out there, most people want day shifts.  I've not heard a single thing back, I've been calling the places after I applied... yet I have heard nothing. Not hearing anything back... it's killing me inside.

I'm stressing out what to do about meds... I am not sleeping well... I just don't know if I can do this much longer.  I want to give up... it's too much. 

I dunno what to tittle this....

I am just sitting here with my "puppy" (I don't think she's considered a puppy anymore but I guess how like our parents will call us their babies even when we're 18 or whatever age, that's how I view my dog.  She'll always be my little puppy.) and I'm feeling this surge of anxiety.  Oh yippy =) 

I'm looking for a job, I'm wanting to work graveyard, cuz I'd feel most comfortable doing graveyard work schedule.  I can't think of any excuses to not work a job all night, but during day time hours I can come up with excuse after excuse after excuse.  

My sister A and I fight a lot... (my sister M is the sister I put photos up in the last blog) we are too much alike in some areas and it causes us to bicker a lot.  She is holding things against me things I did when I was younger and didn't fully know better.  My grandma said to me that I just need to grow up, or one day A and I will tear the family apart.  It hurts, cuz I feel like I'm the one to blame.  When i fight with my sister (verbally fight, I don't do physical fighting) it's cuz I want to prove I'm right... and she has to prove she's right.  So I guess you could say we're both too prideful to walk away peacefully.  But it is not all my fault that we fight.   So Sunday we are not fully getting along but not yelling either... she's treating me like I'm in her way... like she owns the place and I should know better and stay away.  so I ended up leaving the house and went to my grandma's just so I didn't have to deal with her, and two we wouldn't fuel each other into a fight.  Well when I got home I see my shoes where they weren't before... My sister had the nerve to taking my shoes without my permission after she treated me like I was in her way.  UGH it ticks me off that she thinks she has the right to do that... if she would have asked I would have most likely let her even if I didn't want her to. 

...I dunno... I'm depressed.... I'm tired... I'm irritable... 

I've been feeling conflicted lately, cuz I need to please other people... My dad is telling me to not give in to pleasing other people and set aside time for myself. Something i need to do if I'm going to conquer my binging habits.  It's miserable living with binging but I don't have the tools to change it on my own. So I gotta stop pleasing other people and go to this group I said I'd go to.  

REPLIES

ZERO - I also tell myself if so and so can do this/that then I can too. I think it can help us to achieve goals when we try to do as well as someone else or better, cuz it gives you something to work towards.

CAliChica - Have faith in yourself, and imagine yourself doing the jump... I hear that's one way to help you achieve a goal like a jump like my sister can do.... and be open to advice from other people and put what they say into action and you'll have that jump down. I took dance class at high school and I also took dance outside of high school... I miss it. But I'm glad you're able to dance, even if it's just a class you're taking in high school. 

Why do things come easier to one person but harder for another person.

My sister in the halls of her high school... Look at that jump.

My sister on the hood of her car...

My sister... Her drill Photo... Love that jump.  amazing.

My sister doing the jump like 10 feet off the ground... (actually I dunno but that's high.

My sister... I'm jealous of her... she's such a good dancer... I took dance all my life and have never been as good as she is... she has only dance for 4 years... this is her 5th year... NOT FAIR!!!!!

____________________________________

REPLIES...

Silly Girl - You must live in a small town... That sucks that it doesn't show more shows. Hope you're able to see it soon and hope  you enjoy it.

Americaneagle - I hope you enjoy the movie when you can see it.  and you're welcome.

The Help

 

I just saw the movie last night... I've not read the book yet, although after seeing the movie I really want to read the book... unfortunately my mom lent her book out yesterday so I'll have to wait to read it.  In the movie there was a quote I really really like.... "YOU IS KIND, YOU IS SMART, YOU IS IMPORTANT" I think we all tend to forget this from our negative self talk to ourselves... so i wrote this down and I'm going to post it where I can see it every morning I wake up and every night before I go to bed. 

_____________________________________________

REPLIES

@ Annie - I didn't do too well this week with my gym attendance.  I was so drained on Tuesday that I ended up going to bed at 7:30.Wednesday was a pool party for my sisters drill(dance) team. and Yesterday/Thursday I went and saw The Help... today/Friday isn't quite over yet so I should be able to make it to the gym today.  It's hard for me to use a treadmill, I'm not use to them cuz I usually well always use the elliptical, I'm working on changing that. 

@ Clear Girl - Thank you for the advice... Yesterday/Thursday I ended up sending them downstairs telling them it's quiet time for at least a half hour... it worked... I was shocked at how well it worked.  

After I read your comment on the font... I did change it... I hope this font is better... let me know if it's still hard to read.     

I am so drained

I have no energy today.  I didn't sleep well last night either.  I don't know what's wrong with me... I love the kids I babysit, I just feel so overwhelmed with them lately, they don't sleep in. they're so loud and hyper.  I guess your typical kid... But lately I am just so drained and overwhelmed that one little thing they do that I don't like  I'm sending them to their rooms.  I hate it, I gotta let them be kids and not get mad at them cuz I'm so dang tired. 

I am going to talk to my parents and I hope we can figure something out. When I was younger I didn't know how to discipline kids (my siblings) so I would spank them or I'd put them in the shower with their cloths on... I wasn't nice at all. and I'm scared if I get too tired I might lash out and spank them or give them an unreasonable consequence for something they did wrong. I think I might need some me time... but I won't earn any money if i take some me time.  So i feel trapped.  So goal is to get my parents together and sit down and explain to them how I'm feeling and see if we can all come up with a reasonable thing to do to solve this issue I'm dealing with. 

I found my day planner.

I went to the gym yesterday spent 3 hours there. It was so hard to walk the 3 miles or do the 5k  but I rode the 6 miles on the bike in a breeze... and swimming was eh.... I used the kick board I need to practice swimming without the kick board.   So I want to go to the gym every day this week except Sunday and do the "beach bum triathlon" my neighbor wants me to do yoga with her tonight.  so uhg I feel so overwhelmed.  Am I taking on too much?  I don't do squat compared to other people because I don't handle stress well, and i break down and i end up getting physically sick. I think I might be getting sick. 

____________________________________________________

REPLIES

 @ Jen - Thank you so much, I'll check the book out... see if they have it at the library.  

I just tried the beach bum tri at the gym and it kicked my butt... that requires stamina. 

I'd love to talk more with you also.  If you want you can email me @ bbrit0101@gmail.com

@ Thin or Not - I don't think I'm as busy as it sounded.  I have friends and family that do way more than I do.  If i take on too much I break down.  I wish I could take on more and not let it affect me in a negative way... that's something I'll have to learn to do little by little.  

Hope all is well.

I need to be more organized

I have a day planner, but I've miss placed it.  haha that's not doing much good.

I feel I need to plan my days better... babysit from this time-that time then counseling on this day from this time-that time then job searching from this time-that time then workout from this time-I'm done with the workout. Then any other activities from this time-that time. Oh and Cleaning/Laundry from this time-until I'm finished, it's so bad right now, I have no clean clothes so I'm wearing a dress today... everyone is asking me why I'm dressed... um no clean clothes. 

I've been having a miserable week. crying over pointless things, and having a lot of anxiety, more than usual... way more than usual. Thank goodness for Clanzepam works wonders. 

I forgot to go to OA last night.  that partly why I need a day planner so I remember what I have planned.

So I have a goal to do a "Beach Bum Triathlon"  it's jog a 5K ride bike 6miles then swim 33 laps... then I'll work up to a "Sprint".  I need to loose this weight so I can fit in my clothing.

__________________________________________________________

Triathlons Distances

Beach Bum

Swim – 500m (.5K) = 547 yards = 22 lengths = 11 laps

Bike - 9.6K = 6 Miles

Run – 5k = 3.1Miles

SPRINTS

Swim – 750m (.75K) = 820.5 yards = 33 lengths = 17 laps

Bike – 20km = 12.4 Miles

Run – 5K = 3.1 Miles

Intermediate (or Standard) distance, commonly referred to as "Olympic Distance"

Swim – 1.5k = 1641 yards = 66 lengths = 33 laps

Bike = 40 km = 24.8 Miles

Run – 10K = 6.2 Miles

Long Course aka Half Ironman

Swim – 1.9K = 2078.6 yards = 84 lengths = 42 laps

Bike – 90K =55.8 Miles

Run – 21.1 K = 13 Miles

Ultra Distance is the Ironman Triathlon

Swim - 3.8 km = 4157.2 yards = 166 lengths = 83 laps

Bike – 180 K = 111.6 Miles

Run – 42.2K = 26 Miles

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REPLIES

 

dayofmine said...

Is there a way that you could bring someone along to the OA meeting? Do they allow that? I avoid religious-based support groups exactly for that reason. I find they they focus on things that really don't have anything to do with my problem(s). Let us know how it goes! - I talked to my dad the next day and he confirmed that since it said it's an "OPEN" that anyone can go that they don't need to call in ahead. So I'm gonna try to find a friend to come with me on Thursday.  I'll report back on how I handled it.  

♥ Britni Marie

A&E HEAVY & how I'm realating

I'm starting to realize I binge on food when I don't know how to cope with a feeling/mood.  I've been eating 4 double cheese burgers in ten minutes(makes me sad just to admit this), and I still want more even if I'm not hungry. I could be stuffed to the point I can't move and I'll still be shoving food down my throat. It's miserable. I'm inching close to 300lbs (not yet but getting close) that scares me to death.  I want to break down and cry.  I can feel the weight gain... I can feel it in my back and hips and joints.  This is not living, this is called HELL.  

I've gone to an OA meeting the church I attend sponsors and I felt that they taught gospel principals instead of dealing with the issue at hand. So I now have the number for OA (non religion facilitated) I'm scared... not cuz I don't want change (cuz I do want to change and I do want help) it's just I'd go alone and I don't like to face things alone... it's scary. But I'm going to face my fear and go.  Is OA a walk-in or do you need to call and reserve a place in the class?  I was trying to figure that out so I could attend a class tonight but couldn't find the info, so I gotta look more into it tomorrow, and I will.  I've started watching this show on Netflix the show originally aired on A&E it's called HEAVY... I watch it and I cry cuz I see me in them.  It hurts.

Lately I feel so out of control with food that I want to cut.  I feel so mad at myself and rage. and I want to break things... like I've been wanting to slam my fist through the T.V. just because the channel is going in and out. I'm thinking there's gotta be something else bothering me deep down cuz that shouldn't get me so pissed off. I find my self wanting to cuss and scream and cry when I text and the word doesn't come up correctly.  What is up with all this rage/anger?  

I went to the H♥PE Clinic (it's a free clinic for those who don't have insurance and low/no income) for my cramps. The OBGYN and I agreed to get me started on the Depovera shot. I've been on it before so I know what it'll do.  

I need to call my physcitrist and set up an appt. to talk about getting my meds increased and I'm on my last refile and if that doesn't help me feel more stable I need to get my harmones checked. 

I hope I start to feel better soon.

On the bright side I started working out again.  Swimming. I've been enjoying it... I wish the happiness from the workout lasted longer than it did. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REPLIES 

Midnitefyrfly said...

It is so hard when things on the inside are not right and only you see/feel them. If you had a physical diagnosis, then it would be so much easier for people to accept. Mental diagnosis are not as widely accepted or understood and neither is pain. I am sorry that your Dad isn't very understanding. I hope you find support from someone. Just know you are not alone :)  Thank you for your understanding and support :) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ S. said... Your parents doesn't always knows what's best for you. They really don't. Listen to yourself. Love Listen to myself?  I have a hard time doing that. Thanx for the advice and I'll work on it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jenn said...

Sorry things are stressful. Parental pressure is always a tough one. It was for me big time growing up - and still is. But thankfully, since I live on my own now, I have been able to learn to set boundaries with them and it has helped a great deal in our relationship and we are slowly mending the past. Anyways... You know what's in your heart, what you can and can't do right now, and you just need to find that inner voice and try to listen and follow it. I KNOW it's hard to find that voice when there is so much static in your head -trust me - but it IS there. Try not to get too discouraged and keep working with that voc rehab and they will help you find something that will fit "you" and that will be good. sending prayers and strength your way ;)

 

  Thank you Jenn, reading your comment gave me hope. I'll do what I can to tune into the voice and push the static out of my head.  I hope you're doing ok. 

♥ Thank you all for your loving words and support it means a lot to me. 

 

Too much pressure...

  feel my dad is too critical. it's so aggravating. he tells me I need to get a job. I don't tell him things like I've not been feeling stable so i don't feel I could hold down a job. and that when that time of month comes I get sever cramps get physically sick and I believe that with those two things I wouldn't be able to give 100% at any job. So I want to be stable and I want a solution for my cramps so when i do get a job I can give 100%. he tells me well I don't believe in pharmaceuticals you just need to be raw vegan and juice everything and that'll solve all your problems. (dad you're 230lbs what makes you think you know that is the answer... once you're healthy physically and emotionally and you're raw vegan and juice everything then I'll be more than happy to believe that the type of food has everything to do with how you feel) I hate it. my dad asked me where I'd be in a year from now... I told him dead (I said that without even thinking) I hate this I hate feeling so damn miserable. I'm so tired lately. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm working with Voc Rehab (a place that is helping look for a job and helping with making sure I'm stable enough to hold down a job) and my dad is telling to just go on ahead without voc rehab. I have a "plan" with voc rehab and I need to get a job to what's written in my "plan" yet my dad doesn't want to hear that... I have to get a job doing something even if its not in my plan. GOSH I'm so frustrated.
Last year I got tested for Aspergers  and it came back negative but the thing the people said to my parents was for them to not pressure me to get a job that it would be my counselors job to do that.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REPLIES


CAliChica - Thank you.  I started working out again and I've notice I do feel a bit better after the workout. 

Kat not Jas -Thanx. I do need to focus on things I do like about myself. I've been so focused on the stuff I don't like about me lately that I've forgotten to look for the positive. Thank you. 

Feeling comfortable in your own skin...

Lately I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like people look at me and are judging me or talking about me behind my back. what is she wearing, those clothes don't fit her. she needs to lose weight. she wouldn't sweat so bad if she lost weight. she's too big to wear that size of jeans. I'm self conscious as it is and these thoughts are making it worse.

My sister told me that she purges sometimes. 

I was hysterical the other night crying to my dad. I'm so upset with my body and how it looks. I feel lost and I feel as though I don't know what to do. I told my dad I wanted to look like my friend Taresa, or my sister Maddi, or my friend Gillian (they are all tall and thin and beautiful). I don't want to look like my sister Ali cuz she's too curvy. (she's thin and beautiful but she has curves and I don't want curves). 

My dad tells me I need to accept my body the way it is, but to me accepting it means I can't do anything about it and I'd be miserable the rest of my life and I don't want to be miserable. I don't know... I want to be thin. I'm scared to say I'll do something cuz I'm too afraid that I'll fail and not accomplish that goal. 

I accept my feelings and me for who i am but when it comes to accepting my body for what it is... I run the opposite direction in tears. 

So my question is... 

How do I become comfortable in my own skin, how do I learn to accept me for me and my body?

ARGH

This might make me sound really shallow, but when I'm around others that look heaver than i do i still feel my fat rolls and I feel worse about me, cuz I don't want to end up being their weight or size. I need help