I need friends that'll support me, encourage me, not put me down and call me a liar.

I don't have any insurance, and I feel my anti depressants are not working at all. So I'm really emotional. I need new meds, meds that work... or they need to up my dosage or something. Cuz I don't want to feel this way any longer. (If the doc's won't do that... I'm just going to all together stop taking my meds) I also feel my family could care less if I'm able to go to the doc and get help, so I feel why should I care if my family doesn't care?  

I texted a friend telling her that I was feeling weak.  She asked if I had ate, I told her that I haven't. So then she tells me that's why my body is fatigued and it has nothing to burn  to give you energy. So I let her know I'm tired of caring. So then she says to me, then how do you expect anyone of your friends to care? Then I said I don't expect them to care.  I feel like no one cares anymore so why should I? Then she said you know I care about you as my friend, but this new found F**k the world attitude that you have is wearing me out to no extent.  So I say I'm sorry. Then she tells me, Don't say your sorry if you have no intention of changing it and giving a F**K about yourself like me and your friends. Because if you say you're sorry and don't change you're a liar. 

Sorry I feel that way.  I didn't mean to offend her, ware her out.  I don't want to feel the way I'm feeling, if I could change it *snap* I would, but I can't, not alone.  Now I'm feeling like I need to keep all my feeling to myself.  I might as well go off the deep end if I'm not allowed to talk, and if I'm not allowed to talk, how are people going to help me?  Talking helps... I'm just going to delete her off my friends cuz I don't need to put up with friends like that.

Just because I'm going through a rough time does not mean that I don't care about anyone anymore. I love my friends online and in person and I want all my friends to be happy. Right now it's my friends and the love I feel from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that are giving me the little strength I have to keep pushing forward.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I can't do this if no one cares.

I'm losing it. 
I am on Wellbutrin (Bupropion), Lamictal (Lamotrigine),Oleptro (Trazodone), and Ambien (Zolpidem). The Ambien is for sleep... thing is I'm not sure how well it's working. The other three medications I am on are for depression and for stabilizing my mood. Yet I'm so emotional.  I don't even want to function.  I don't want to feel. I am tired. I want to scream and cry.  I don't know how to do this.  I don't have any insurance, and I don't know what to do.  I look and look for things that'll help me out so I can get on meds and go to the doctor.  But that requires getting a new doctor all together.  I've changed doctors so many times, I'm tired of changing doctors.  I'm debating on just stopping all my medication all together.  Yet I know if I end up stopping my medications I'll just go down hill until I'm DONE, and I'm already feeling like I'm ready to just be done. 
I don't know how to ask for help cuz the people I ask for help just push my thoughts aside telling me to be busy. Damn it if that worked my problems would be solved but it doesn't work. I still feel like a failure, waste of space. So why do I keep fighting this if no one is going to take me seriously? 
I'm fed up with eating.  I binge eat... I'd say I suffer from Binge Eating Disorder (BED).  I want it to stop... yet it continues and continues and continues... I want help for the eating, it's impossible for me to just eat what is recommended, If it were that easy I would.  Thus I need help. No one freaking cares.  I'm done caring, if no one else is going to care. 

Nutrition Assistant class is passed with not sure the grade but I know I passed the class.  Now for one 6hour clinical, then I get my certificate.  I'm so proud of myself.
I've been struggling with binging a lot... since August.  In August my medication got switched to Prozac I didn't put the two together (that Prozac was doing something to me causing me to lose control with my binges). So I went into the Dr.s two weeks (not for binging but that came up) ago and he took me off Prozac and put me on Trazodone Extended-Release (Oleptro)since I've been on the Oleptro my depression feels like it's improved.  It could be cuz of the school or cuz of the new medicine (altho I think it takes longer with medicine to know if it's working bout a month) or maybe the two combined.  
I haven't been babysitting since I started school but since I'm finished (well except for the clinical) I'll go back to babysitting.  I miss those kiddos I'm excited to see them.  I love em a lot.  
I've fallen in love with the song by Rise Against - Help Is On The Way... and Innerpartysystem - American Trash.
Who has seen the Superbowl's Darth Vader commercial? If you have not youtube it... It's so dang cute... and the snickers commercial with Roseanne.  
Alright Hope you are all having a good time.
<3 Me