HELP ME!!!

I'm gonna look into Over Eating Annynomus my eating habits have gotten horrible. I eat, eat to the point I'm full, keep eating to the point my stomach feels like it'll explode and I keep eating. My dad gives me this look like eating that is not gonna help you get to your goal. YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT???? That look he gives me causes me to feel ashamed so then I go to eating in seceret/closet eating. I'm so ashamed of what my body looks like. It makes me sick. Yet I have no control I would guess food to me is like alcohol to an alcoholic. It's all I think about. Even when I'm eating I think about my next meal. I don't want to live my life around food. It's depressing.
The other day I went shopping and I overheard this boy talking to his mom (I don't know these people) The kid was telling his mom to buy a smaller size of clothing cuz that'll give her motivation to lose her extra weight. I wanted to go scream at that kid. Tell him sometimes it's out of our control, it's like an addiction. I was so furious. It didn't help any that all the clothing I tried on didn't fit me. I wanted to eat to help me feel better but I know eating won't make things better it'll make things worse.
I feel traped with food. We need to eat to survive yet I'm not doing so to survive I'm doing so for comfort.
HELP ME!!!

Tears were brought to my eyes

On Christmas eve my dad's side of the family came over. We played games (Curses), Talked, ate dinner, opened presents, and enjoyed the evening together. When we were saying good bye to eachother we walked outside and we found this huge gift bag on the porch with an evenlope that said Britni on it. I opened the card up and it said Merry Christmas You are loved. I have no idea who sent me this gift it's a beautiful blanket. I'd post a pic but I'm not on my computer so I'm unable to share the picture of the blanket i got. This blanket means so much for me. I've had a rough year with my depression and just knowing that others love me so touched me. I wanna go thank the person or people who gave me this blanket and let them know it means the world to me.
I'm realizing this Christmas season that the little thoughts of kindness can just brighten someones day. So if you know someone who is struggling give them a hug send them a card let them know that you love them. Not only will it brighten their day you'll feel a sense of peace too.
Hope this Christmas season is wonderful to you all.

the big bang theory lyrics LOVE

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait...
The Earth began to cool,
The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools,
We built a wall (we built the pyramids),
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,
That all started with the big bang!

What is new???

What is new???
I took a 3 day test to help me figure out what my interest are for a career, and what kind of field for me to go into with the skills I have. and the best way for me to learn.  I reviewed the information and I've decided I want to be a Nutritionist.  I've got an appointment set for the 16 with my career counselor and hopefully I can get signed up for school.  I wanna be able to be going to school this up coming semester.
I'm still babysitting the little wonderful kiddos.  They know how to make me smile. They kiddos i watch live next door to me and one day I walked out and saw the little girl i watch and I said hi to her and she got all excited to see me she jumped up and down and was saying hi to me, then her dad walked out and she yells at her dad with excitement, "DAD THERE'S BRITNI"  Makes me smile to know they love me like they do.
We named the puppy, her name is Onna.  She's such a sweetie. She's really helped a lot with my depression and my anxiety.  I got a Dr's note saying that she's my therapy dog and I can bring her anywhere i go.   =) She's so small still... everyone sees her and thinks she's just a baby/which she is... but she's almost full grown.

what is BPD...????

Borderline Personality Disorder.
When i was in the hospital, i was diagnosed with BPD.  I don't understand what it is. I've tried reading about it but the words used to describe it i don't understand.  If any of you have BPD could you help me understand what it is?  I'd love to understand it better. Thank you

small update

LOVING this new puppy. We've named her. Onna like Donna but without the D.

So I've got to look for a good steady job.  I have a hospital bill i need to pay.
I honestly don't want to pay the bill. I OD for a reason. I didn't want my stomach pumped. Why should i pay the bill when it's not something i wanted in the first place?

Help Us Name Our New Puppy

Got a new puppy it's a Chorkie it's a mix between a Yorkie and a Chihuahua the puppy is a GIRL... and she still has no name.

Since we got her she's helped my depression quite a bit... I have something to live for. She makes me smile and laugh... She's is such a great friend. 

What are some girl dog names... we need help naming her.

I am confused

I'm not doing well, I dunno what it what anymore
I dunno if my anxiety is my depression or if my depression is my anxiety.
My blood feels like it's been poisoned
I'm feeling weak... physically and emotionally weak.
I dunno if  I can do this anymore.

Couldn't sleep last night so I wrote a note...

I'm going to try to not go into so much detail cuz it is personal...And I'm going to share this with my counselor

To whom it may concern
First I'd like to say SORRY. SORRY for being WEAK.  SORRY for not being STRONG enough to STOP you. SORRY that I didn't let an adult know what was going on.
I've thought of some reasons why I may not have told...
1. When this happened the first time I told and it ruined his younger sister friendship with my sisters.
2. Age difference, I should have been able to stop you.
3. Fear of no one believing me
4. And fear of others just writing this off like it was no big deal.
... But the fact of the matter is I didn't tell. And I'm truly SORRY I didn't tell.

Now I want you to try to understand how I feel.  I HATE my BODY.  I feel like guys look at me and think of me as an OBJECT, not a person with feelings.  I AM A PERSON AND I DO HAVE FEELINGS.  I DO MATTER.   I feel uncomfortable around guys... I don't TRUST them.  I don't want to OPEN up just to get HURT.   I don't want any guy to want me in a sexual way, even my future husband... I don't want that. It's just degrading to me. And I don't wanna feel degraded or dirty or hate myself even worse than I already do.
You were one of my BEST FRIENDS and I TRUSTED YOU.  You betrayed that trust. Asking... well BEGGING sometimes even threatening me until I gave in... and there were times you just wouldn't take NO as an answer.

I don't have good coping skills. And with all the hurt and pain I deal with everyday I take it out on me with negative coping skills.
Cutting. 

Numbing myself with pills and with purging 

Why did you hurt me?
Why did you use me?
Why did you lie to me?
Did you get what you wanted?

For some reason I keep thinking to myself... YOU WIN!!!! I don't know what I mean by that, but YOU WIN!!!

I'm so MAD MAD MAD

My mom went though my things found a tube and this syringe type thing and she took it gave it to my dad and he took it back to the store.  I'm 25 they don't have the right to go through my things like that. I'M SO DAMN MAD at them right now.