I'm jealous...

Yup you read it right I'm jealous, of my friends and people I know who are around my same age who are traveling all the time. I had some friends go to England this past year, out of those friends that went one of them is going to go to spain later this year. I'm jealous. I don't earn enough money, and I'm such a spender that I can't even afford to travel. So how can i fix that? STOP SPENDING MONEY AND SAVE and two get an education so I can get a better paying job and then I'll be able to go on more road trips and vacations. Luckily where I work now is a traing facility and they help train us and get the skills/education needed to obtain a better paying job for the future. I love where I work, I would reccomend it to anyone who is struggling with getting a job and not knowing what to do.
I started school Monday. I'm so not use to it. I'm so exhausted. I'm sleeping better but I still struggle with the quality of sleep i get. not good so I'm still tired. At least i'm sleeping better though. I'm at school in on a computer right now, wiating for my ride, she has one more class which is an hour long. So I figured I'd kill time by updating my blog.
Hope all is well.

Britni Marie

Struggling with past memorise... and feelings.

170 days ago I wrote...

I am struggling with memories that I don't want to remember. The memories have been flooding back to consciousness. I don't know how to forget these memories for good. I fear these memories cuz I feel weak and like I've failed and I don't feel worthy.

90 days ago I wrote...

Why am I letting thses memorise control my emotions?

Why can't I just forget it all?

The hurt

The regret

The pain

The suffering

Why did you use me?

Did you ever care for me?

Why did you manipulate me?

 ---

 Why do i want to ask you these questions... No answer will ever heal the scars.

STOP CONTROLLING ME!!!!!!

7 days ago I wrote...

I read the book Brittany by Jack Weyland

In  the book Brittany was date raped. She tried to fight back but he was strong... she would fight to get away and he would hit her. (http://www.jackweyland.com/?page_id=264)

I Don't Know...

 I feel like what happened to me was not the same. he touched me. I didn't want him to but he did. it anyways.  I'd fight him (he never once hit me or got violent)  but he wouldn't not give up and he was strong too.

I didn't want anything, but I eventually gave in cuz I got sick of saying no and him begging for it and him saying if you don't then we can't be friends. The forceful it got is when 1. he was horny and wouldn't let me take my nap. and 2. the first time it ever happened.

When people tell me they were raped I feel like I'm a hypocrite cuz what happened to me was not as violent as some people. I was never sore after. I feel like a fake.

I think cuz I feel like a fake it's hard for me to accept what it is and it causes me to feel like I need to forgive myself. which I feel is impossible to do.

Anxiety has been high high high, and it's causing me to feel like i'm falling.

I'm fighting anxiety (panic attacks) before they happen without meds and it's tiring. It's hard.

Summery I found online http://bookwormburrow.wordpress.com/2007/07/23/brittany-by-jack-weyland/

(Summary: Brittney is about this good LDS girl named Brittney and when the book starts out all she wants is to be married in the temple to someone who loves her. In the beginning we learn that she has recently moved from Grace, Idaho where she had lived for her whole life. She didn’t have a lot of friends in Utah yet but was hopeful. Then the Drama Coach calls her and tells her that the lead role for My Fair Lady was open and hers if she wanted it and of course she did and this changed her life. While in the play she worked closely with Craig who played the male lead. They became really good friends and he contemplated breaking up with his girlfriend for her. Then Derek came into the picture and changed everything. Derek sat next to her in Biology class and flirted with her a lot. She was promoting the play and said he should go. He made a deal that he would go if she would go on a date with him afterward. She told him she would do it. She felt a few misgivings and didn’t really want to go but decided to anyway. They went to a movie first and he kept hitting on her and she tried to get him to stop but he was not interested. After the movie they went back to his house and their double Chad and Holly were upstairs watching another movie and they went downstairs to play a video game. It was during the game that Derek starting hitting on her and eventually date-raped her. The book then goes on to talk about her battle in dealing with the problem and how she felt about herself. They had a trial and investigation but he just got probation and not much else. Brittany struggled with forgiveness and had problems feeling that she was pure because of what happened. She also did not think she was worthy anymore and it talks about her struggle with that. She had a counselor and talked to the bishop too and they helped her get through it all. Brittany ended up going to Ricks (back when it was Ricks) just like she wanted to but it took a little effort to get in because her grades had suffered. Craig got home from his mission and wanted to date her. At first she was uncomfortable because she felt defiled but eventually she did get over that and in the end agreed that that was a good idea too.)

 

What I wrote Yesterday...

Where was i 7 years ago?

Where am I today?

I was 20 7 years ago. i was working at cottonwood hospital. I was friends with Corbin . 7 years ago i was influenced not confidence in who i was/am. If someone wanted me to drink I would. I tried smoking cuz my friend smoked, I drank because he drank. I did like doing both... both made me numb. Then one night I had one cig and I felt nauseated right after... Thank goodness I now know 100% that I don't ever want to smoke. Drinking is a different story. I have not had a drink in over 2 years, but the temptation is there.

Seven years ago I didn't know how to reach out for hep. I would have ended up cutting or drinking. Now I talk and reach out instead of holding it in.

Six years ago I got brave enough to step out and reach out. It didn't go well. I stopped speaking to Corbin.  Went 3 months without any contact. Then he sent me an email, saying that he was sorry. I was naive enough to believe him and accept him as a friend again, then. Now if he were to contact me and tell me he is sorry, I'd do my best to accept his apology, but to be friends, there is too much damage done to ever be friends with his sorry ass again.

Four years ago I gave into something I truly didn't want, just so he'd shut up. I felt so uncomfortable... scared. alone. used. Now I'd just block that kind of person out of my life.

Two years ago, I figured out I was being used and my feelings and depression and the past was all too much... I OD on pills.  Now I am stronger. I will reach out before I let my pain get that low. And I'm not going to go back to who I was then. NOT WORTH ALL THAT PAIN.

I do fear running into him, when we're both "alone". I have yet to run into him "alone"... except the one time I was with my brother and he was ahead of us in the line at Panda. I knew I was safe cuz I had my brother with me... but if I would have been alone... That's what I fear.

I don't know why I have this fear. Maybe I still care for him so I think the fear is fear that he'll be able to manipulate me again. I Just won't allow that to happen. Maybe I can do a little role play type thing with my councilor and come up with things I can do if I were to ever run into him "alone".

Things that have helped me... Sharing time

It's nice to finally be that friend that friends turn to for support and advice and a listening ear... when for so long I was the one who was turning to a friend for the support and a listening ear.

You are never alone. 

The lord will always be by your side. Jesus suffered and died for us, he's felt and suffered what we go through day in and day out. So when you feel alone in the world or like no one will ever understand. PRAY and ASK for comfort. He will listen and he will answer. 

Don't let your feelings keep you down.

it's ok to feel down. don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't be feeling that way. They are not you and they don't know how you feel. So keep your chin up and know that it's ok to feel what your feeling and remember you will get through this too.

I know there are times when it feels like the end of the world but remember that everything will be ok. Breath and vent on a piece of paper or to a friend. Then when that time has passed you can look back on that during your next hardship and say to yourself I made it through that I can make it through this... it's just another hurdle in the road... a test to help me become a better me. 

and Remember to ask yourself WHAT ARE THE FACTS... and Do the Facts backup my thinking? 

Those things have helped me  so I'm sharing  in hopes that they can help you too. 

Much Love

Birdy

Where have I been???

I've come to realize I tend to write more when I'm feeling low... and I've been in such a good place that I've not wrote in a while.  I'm still alive.

I've got a Job at the D.I. and I'm loving it. I've got the best job coach/supervisor. The DI is really helping with building my confidence, and helping me see things I don't usually see in myself. 

I watched a movie the other night called Veggie Tales: Madame Blueberry... and there is a line in a song they sing "A thankful heart is a happy heart"  I really love that, if you want more happiness find things that you are truly thankful for, write them down. then when you feel down and bad go over those things and see how it lifts up your mood. 

I thank God for this day,
For the sun in the sky,
For my mom and my dad,
For my piece of apple pie!

For our home on the ground,
For His love that's all around,
That's why I say thanks every day!

Because a thankful heart is a happy heart!
I'm glad for what I have,
Thats an easy way to start!

For the love that He shares,
'Cause He listens to my prayers,
That's why I say thanks every day!

I've also found a new song by Taylor Swift called Safe & Sound... 

"Safe & Sound"
(feat. The Civil Wars)

I remember tears streaming down your face
When I said, "I'll never let you go"
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone"
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling
Everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby
Even when the music's gone
Gone

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh
La La (La La)
La La (La La)
Oooh, Oooh, Oooh, Oooh
La La (La La)

Just close your eyes
You'll be alright
Come morning light,
You and I'll be safe and sound.

Hope yall are doing well. 

much love

Britni Marie

This year is off to a great start

I've had bills I needed to pay from my suicide attempt in August of 2010.  My dad paid all but one off, the one that had not been paid off, my dad was making $100 payments once a month in 2011... I stilled owed a lot of money on that bill and with no job to pay the bill down I had no idea what to do... and I've been looking for employment since April 2010. so I filed for finical assistant... I ended up getting full charity on the remanding balance.  It feels so good to not have that debt hanging over mine and my family's head.  

I'm working on stepping out of my shell and it's been hard but I'm doing it little by little. I went to a New Years Eve dance by myself. I did leave early and I was beating myself up for coming home early.  Then one of my best friends called me and wished me a happy birthday and asked what I did for new years eve... I told her I went to a dance on my own but I felt horrible for leaving early.  my friend said to me that she wouldn't have gone if she had to go on her own, and she told me she was proud of me for taking the step out of my comfort zone that evening. When i heard her say I stopped beating myself up and focused more on I did step out of my comfort zone and focused on the positive I did. 

I have a long way to go before I'm able to talk in front of others freely, and comfortably. I tend to hide in myself and keep to myself in groups of my peers.  I am more motivated to step out of my shell/comfort zone cuz I can feel the happiness it gives me, compared to when I hide in myself it's more depressing, and I want to be happy, I am enjoying my happiness and I want to stay happy so if coming out of my shell is going to help me with my happiness I'm so motivated to step out of that shell I've been hiding in my whole life. 

Last month I went in to an interview at the D.I. and I got the job but I had to wait 2 - 3 months before I could start for an opening.  well 1 month later (this past Wednesday) I get a call asking if I'm still interested in the job. I jumped with joy. I've finally have a job... it's a temporary job, but it's a job that's suppose to help me gain the skills needed for the work place, skills to speak up and voice my concerns, to help me become more employable in this job market, help me gain confidence, and help me realize that I can figure out a solution to a problem or concern or question. I'm so thankful to finally have a job.  

I hope things keep going well... and that I can continue to grow with confidence and happiness. 

Then and Now... Happy New Years =)

It is New Years Eve today/tonight. 

I've been thinking about the past years recently... Where I've been emotionally to where I am today emotionally. 

This is the most positive I've felt in a long long long time. Probably since 11th grade ten years ago. I use to take Ballet and Jazz... Dance was my escape from life, then my dance teacher decided she wanted to retire of owning her own business so she stopped teaching.  I ended up going to a new dance studio... it was not the same, I felt alone and lost. I lost the love for dance I once had. I didn't know how to escape from life anymore.  I left for Snow College in the fall of 2003... and I really enjoyed the college I had great teachers, my favorite class was French.  I detested my living arrangement, I had roommates and they all formed a click and didn't ask me to join them. I'm shy and it's always been hard for me to put myself out there... so I ended up locking myself in my room... and I found my escape in the online game world (Yahoo Dots) That was my life line. I'd eat one meal a day 5 days of the week and then regular meals on the weekends because I would come home.  Home with my family was the only time I felt love and acceptance.  I begged my parents to let me stay home after fall semester, but they were admit with me finishing the school year out.  I ended up flunking spring semester cuz I felt so depressed and hardly left my room.  I did have one roommate that honestly did seem to care... and I  am thankful for her kindness. 

In 2004 I made a "friend".  This friend didn't always respect me, but he was the first close friend of the opposite sex that i had. I don't know why I stayed "friends" with him. I think a lot of my major depression came as a result of this "friendship" I had with him. I'd feel manipulated in to doing things that I never dreamed of  doing.  He got me to drink my first alcoholic beverage, and I never wanted to drink until I became "friends" with him. Once I started drinking I realized that alcohol had a numbing affect, and I craved that numb feeling. I have a grandfather who is a recovered alcoholic and I've been aware if someone in your family has an addiction you're more likely to get the addiction too. So when I had a horrible hang over I told my mom and gave her the alcohol... I didn't want to go down that path.  

I still craved that numb feeling so I started taking benadryl. it was a legal drug so I didn't feel bad for taking it. All this time I was still "friends" with this so called "friend". in 2010 I asked my mom to talk to him mom... and he had told his mom that he hated me... so when my mom told me that... I felt so much pain I felt that I couldn't go on. I didn't want to die but i didn't want to feel this pain I was feeling so I took some benadryl (a lot) and then I toke some klonpin (OD) on them... I only told my parents what I did cuz a friend told me to tell them.  I ended up going to the ER and getting my stomach pumped... I went into the psych ward... It was a needed escape. an escape i needed to put things back into prescriptive. I struggled still with depression a lot but this year around Thanksgiving I came to realize this is the most hopeful I've felt in a long long time. I'm thankful that I can feel joy and have my family and friends who love me and stand by me. I'm thankful that I can express how much i care for my family and friends. 

I've been out of a job since June of 2009 and I'm feeling like I can hold down a job now. I feel like I can take on school. I'm also feeling like I can work on overcoming my shyness. I'm excited for this new year. I'm sad that I'm truing 27 and am just getting my life together but I'm so happy at the same time that I feel well enough to get my life together. Happy New years everyone. Hope it's a great one.

My little Buddy is one of the best kids I know.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" little Joe asked as I was looking for a jacket to wear.
"No," I replied, "would a guy like me?"
"Yeah," he said enthusiastically, "Boys like girls."

=)

So I went in my room the other day and got dressed and came walking out of my room and little joe sees me and say "WOW, YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD!!!"
My goodness this kid is so sweet. I love how he makes me feel better about myself.  He's only 4 years old too. Just love this kid.


_____________________REPLIES__________________

BrazilianSpice -  Thank you for the advice on my last post. Going for a run would be a good idea. thank you.
and thank you for reminding me that God loves me and is here for me. =) you're a sweetie.

Thin or not - Thanks for sharing that quote with me... "when it's hardest to pray, pray the hardest" I like that. Thank you.  

Maybe It's True... and my food history.

Maybe I do use food to hid from guys. My counselor has asked me if I eat to make myself "undesirable" to men cuz of what happened to me with C. No I'm not doing that cuz I do want a guy to like me. I want to be desirable.  Well when I found out that some guy I use to work with liked me... I freaked out inside. My first thoughts are...  what are his intentions? Does he really like me for me? or will he manipulate me pressure me to do things I absloutly don't want to do? That's what C did to me, so I now don't trust guys when they tell me that they like me. I want to run and hide, and BINGE. and that's something I can not do, if I want to find inner peace. Binging causes me more emotional pain then I need. It causes me to self loath myself. 

I was asked to do a food history of my life.  I don't think I ever had a 100% healthy relationship with food. I loved food, and I enjoyed food. I always remember going to my grandparents house for birthday and getting the icing on the cake and eating others icing someone didn't want.  I loved it. SO YUMMY!!! But I didn't turn to food for comfort... that's what my dancing was for.  When my parents got separated when I was in High School I would go to dance... and dance, dance, and dance. Then I'd get in the car and cry cuz I would have to go home, where my home was not a home cuz my family was not together.  Dance is what helped me cope through that time.  Once I had to quit dance and move on to college and then looking for jobs I couldn't use dance and my escape and Food become my comfort.  I remember my first year of college I lived in off campus housing... I would only eat one meal a day.  nothing else.  Then as my depression grew... and a friend influenced me badly and manipulated me and pressured me, I turned to food even more... sometimes I'd turn away from food.  I'd have "control" for 10 days here 3 days there then binge binge binge binge and binge. I also turned to cutting, and banging my head against walls and shelves (inflicting pain on myself in one way or another) I would purge my food up every so often. I also turned to alcohol.  I would drink alone in my room just to numb myself.  I finally told my mom when I was experiencing a horrible hangover, and handed over my stash of alcohol. I didn't want to become an alcoholic, and I still don't ever wanna be an alcoholic.  I did like the numb feeling it did bring. so I started using Benadryl... it numbs you. I've came to realize you get more of the numbing affect if you starve/deprive yourself from food.  But I don't want to become a pill popper so my first choice is food to help me when I don't know how to cope, then pills, then self harm (hitting myself, cutting, pulling my hair, pinching myself)

That's all I'm gonna say for now. 

Brit

Why is it so difficult (spiritual)

I am not sure why it's so difficult for me to kneel down and pray. Am I scared? If I'm scared, what am I scared of?  Scared that Heavenly Father will roll his eyes and mumble under his breath stop being so dramatic? (my dad has said that to me when I was crying and struggling) Scared that I won't be heard? (a lot in life I will say something and I feel no one will acknowledged what I have said... and being shy doesn't help cuz then it makes it harder to talk when I'm not acknowledged) Because I feel unworthy to pray/ that I have sinned too much to even have my prayers answered? 

I don't like feeling like I need to pray when I'm so scared to do so. I want to understand why it's so difficult for me to pray. I know that Heavenly Father is real, and that Jesus Christ came to earth and suffered and died for us, and I know the holy ghost is real, I've felt the holy ghost. So why is it so difficult to pray?  Don't get me wrong I do say little prayers in my heart for family and friends who may be struggling, I ask that they be comforted and know that they are cared for, but I feel I need to get down and pray, thank the Lord for all my blessing that I have, for my family and friends, to seek help and guidance in my everyday life, and to talk to my Father in Heaven like I do a friend and trust that he is there listening to what I have to say.  

I am going to take this a baby step at a time, I need to get over this and just kneel down and pray... so if baby steps is what it takes to get me there than that's what I'll do. 

Britni

I'm getting PUSHED onto The Back Burner...

I honestly feel like I'm being pushed onto the back burner.  Like I don't matter.  I'm struggling and I feel I'm unable to get the help I need. I'm not sure how to even express what I'm feeling. Voc Rehab has said if I need help to pay for sessions so I can see my counselor... I've tried getting a hold of them and I'm not hearing a thing.  Why can't they let me know what's going on?  They've set me up with an employment specialist (the employment specialist works for Valley Services, a place that's helping me find a job) and she tells me that my Voc Rehab counselor told her that they can't help pay for counseling... Why can't my Voc Rehab counselor call me and tell me that herself? 

I know the economy is crap right now and it's hell to find a job... I'm looking for night/graves, you'd think I'd be able to find something out there, most people want day shifts.  I've not heard a single thing back, I've been calling the places after I applied... yet I have heard nothing. Not hearing anything back... it's killing me inside.

I'm stressing out what to do about meds... I am not sleeping well... I just don't know if I can do this much longer.  I want to give up... it's too much.