Struggling with past memorise... and feelings.

170 days ago I wrote...

I am struggling with memories that I don't want to remember. The memories have been flooding back to consciousness. I don't know how to forget these memories for good. I fear these memories cuz I feel weak and like I've failed and I don't feel worthy.

90 days ago I wrote...

Why am I letting thses memorise control my emotions?

Why can't I just forget it all?

The hurt

The regret

The pain

The suffering

Why did you use me?

Did you ever care for me?

Why did you manipulate me?

 ---

 Why do i want to ask you these questions... No answer will ever heal the scars.

STOP CONTROLLING ME!!!!!!

7 days ago I wrote...

I read the book Brittany by Jack Weyland

In  the book Brittany was date raped. She tried to fight back but he was strong... she would fight to get away and he would hit her. (http://www.jackweyland.com/?page_id=264)

I Don't Know...

 I feel like what happened to me was not the same. he touched me. I didn't want him to but he did. it anyways.  I'd fight him (he never once hit me or got violent)  but he wouldn't not give up and he was strong too.

I didn't want anything, but I eventually gave in cuz I got sick of saying no and him begging for it and him saying if you don't then we can't be friends. The forceful it got is when 1. he was horny and wouldn't let me take my nap. and 2. the first time it ever happened.

When people tell me they were raped I feel like I'm a hypocrite cuz what happened to me was not as violent as some people. I was never sore after. I feel like a fake.

I think cuz I feel like a fake it's hard for me to accept what it is and it causes me to feel like I need to forgive myself. which I feel is impossible to do.

Anxiety has been high high high, and it's causing me to feel like i'm falling.

I'm fighting anxiety (panic attacks) before they happen without meds and it's tiring. It's hard.

Summery I found online http://bookwormburrow.wordpress.com/2007/07/23/brittany-by-jack-weyland/

(Summary: Brittney is about this good LDS girl named Brittney and when the book starts out all she wants is to be married in the temple to someone who loves her. In the beginning we learn that she has recently moved from Grace, Idaho where she had lived for her whole life. She didn’t have a lot of friends in Utah yet but was hopeful. Then the Drama Coach calls her and tells her that the lead role for My Fair Lady was open and hers if she wanted it and of course she did and this changed her life. While in the play she worked closely with Craig who played the male lead. They became really good friends and he contemplated breaking up with his girlfriend for her. Then Derek came into the picture and changed everything. Derek sat next to her in Biology class and flirted with her a lot. She was promoting the play and said he should go. He made a deal that he would go if she would go on a date with him afterward. She told him she would do it. She felt a few misgivings and didn’t really want to go but decided to anyway. They went to a movie first and he kept hitting on her and she tried to get him to stop but he was not interested. After the movie they went back to his house and their double Chad and Holly were upstairs watching another movie and they went downstairs to play a video game. It was during the game that Derek starting hitting on her and eventually date-raped her. The book then goes on to talk about her battle in dealing with the problem and how she felt about herself. They had a trial and investigation but he just got probation and not much else. Brittany struggled with forgiveness and had problems feeling that she was pure because of what happened. She also did not think she was worthy anymore and it talks about her struggle with that. She had a counselor and talked to the bishop too and they helped her get through it all. Brittany ended up going to Ricks (back when it was Ricks) just like she wanted to but it took a little effort to get in because her grades had suffered. Craig got home from his mission and wanted to date her. At first she was uncomfortable because she felt defiled but eventually she did get over that and in the end agreed that that was a good idea too.)

 

What I wrote Yesterday...

Where was i 7 years ago?

Where am I today?

I was 20 7 years ago. i was working at cottonwood hospital. I was friends with Corbin . 7 years ago i was influenced not confidence in who i was/am. If someone wanted me to drink I would. I tried smoking cuz my friend smoked, I drank because he drank. I did like doing both... both made me numb. Then one night I had one cig and I felt nauseated right after... Thank goodness I now know 100% that I don't ever want to smoke. Drinking is a different story. I have not had a drink in over 2 years, but the temptation is there.

Seven years ago I didn't know how to reach out for hep. I would have ended up cutting or drinking. Now I talk and reach out instead of holding it in.

Six years ago I got brave enough to step out and reach out. It didn't go well. I stopped speaking to Corbin.  Went 3 months without any contact. Then he sent me an email, saying that he was sorry. I was naive enough to believe him and accept him as a friend again, then. Now if he were to contact me and tell me he is sorry, I'd do my best to accept his apology, but to be friends, there is too much damage done to ever be friends with his sorry ass again.

Four years ago I gave into something I truly didn't want, just so he'd shut up. I felt so uncomfortable... scared. alone. used. Now I'd just block that kind of person out of my life.

Two years ago, I figured out I was being used and my feelings and depression and the past was all too much... I OD on pills.  Now I am stronger. I will reach out before I let my pain get that low. And I'm not going to go back to who I was then. NOT WORTH ALL THAT PAIN.

I do fear running into him, when we're both "alone". I have yet to run into him "alone"... except the one time I was with my brother and he was ahead of us in the line at Panda. I knew I was safe cuz I had my brother with me... but if I would have been alone... That's what I fear.

I don't know why I have this fear. Maybe I still care for him so I think the fear is fear that he'll be able to manipulate me again. I Just won't allow that to happen. Maybe I can do a little role play type thing with my councilor and come up with things I can do if I were to ever run into him "alone".