So I'm A BURDEN

Me - I feel like I'm a burden
Dad - You are
Me - well if I'm such a burden why did you take me to the hospital?
Dad - cuz i want to see you succeed and to see you happy.



you know what i get out of this. That I'm A Burden.  I shouldn't be here cuz i cause too much weight on other people.
Thanks dad love you too.
JERK

what do i do???

Do i go to this 12 step program for Eating Disorders and I fess up to some of the things i do or don't do? or do i just don't go? 
I'm sick of food and having it in my face but cuz all i do is frigging eat... well i do go through phases of fasting and binging and B/P 
I want help, I want the help to not eat... to fast, to be strong, to resist food.  I don't want full help until I'm to my goal weight.
It's free to go to. 
what would you suggest i do? Go... or don't go?

Some of my writtings

I want to be validated
Be told it's OK to be able to hurt, get mad, feel angry, be upset, and be furious.
I don't want family to make me feel guilty for feeling emotion.

Sometimes I feel like I'm attacked by some people in my family when I show emotion. Like I'm not allowed to show or feel that emotion.



Wrote this when i stopped all communication with a friend that was not good for me.
I don't understand, but it feels as though there is a hole inside of me.
A hole that once was filled with lies, lies that i wanted to believe.
That you really cared for me, like friends care for each other.
That I really am attractive.
Now everything that i once hoped is not shattered.

TWILIGHT QUOTE and why i like it so...

Quote I like From the Book Twilight - Bella is talking to Edward...

How do you do it? Living the way you do, when it would be EASIER to live like others like you?


BELLA - Why do you do it? I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what you are? Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do. I just don't see why you would bother in the first place.

EDWARD - Just because we've been dealt a certain hand, it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above. To conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted, to try to retain whatever essential humanity we can.

Why do i like this quote so much?
It's so true, we all get dealt hands in life that we don't want, but why do we keep going on? Because we want the best outcome, sometimes we make a mistake but we can always correct that mistake and steer our car to go down the path that we want to go down.

My collage Notebook

Some of these things I did before my stay at the hospital others I did after my stay at the hospital... It's in random order.

LOVE YOUR SELF - what does that mean to me?
I need to learn to love myself for who I am and accept my flaws/negative and the positive.

Jillian Michales - I think she's amazing how she won't let an "excuse" stop her from doing what needs to be done (workout wise)

SMILE MORE - I need to smile more. Everyone tells me I have such a beautiful smile. I should share it with the world around me. You never know what a smile will do to another persons day.


Becoming Your Own Best
HOPE
If you can't become your own best hope what can you hope for in life?













PILLS
Diet Pills - I want so badly to be thin. I'll take diet pills with hardly any food so i can get the most from the pills.
I've taken so many diet pills that i can't even name all of them.
GREEN TEA (the brands I dunno), Lipitrol, Internal Fat Flush, And Many more...

Anti Depressants - With out them I'd probably end my life. Sad to say but it's true. I'm not in my right mind set and I don't think straight when I'm not on them... So I'm gonna have to be on them for the rest of my life.
Others - I take to NUMB my feelings. To relieve physical pain and every once in a while just to take.
Collar bones, Skinny arms, Flat toned Tummy, Toned.

Skinny legs, Flat stomach, Perfection.

Strong, space between Legs!!!

Perfection.







Drink more water - Cleanse Your Body - Water = Thin

My Goal - Flat toned stomach

Scale - Weigh weigh and weigh

My goal - Toned sleek body. Toned arms toned stomach.

My Homework assignments

Home work I'm giving myself or someone has given me: Write when I think about (person i shouldn't think about) Where I'm at, what I'm doing, and what I'm thinking about. Go to more church activities face my fear of social outings if I have anxiety then at least I'll know I'm still alive, and I have my anxiety meds I can take if it seems like too much anxiety. Crochet a row each day (I'm working on making a rag). Fill out application for Medicaid. Finish listening to codependent no more. Do Anthony Robbins CD's. And find a way to earn extra $$$.$$

Why write when I think about this person? Because my counselor wants to help me find out a pattern or to see if there is a pattern. Where am I at? What am I doing? What am I thinking about in detail about this person? etc.

Church activities, why attend those? It's a safe environment for one. It'll get me interacting with others, and get me out of the house. I tend to get anxiety with social situations so this will help me face them in a good environment.

Crocheting. I've been watching my grandma crochet all my life, she taught my cousin how to crochet and he made a drawstring bag with crocheting, he's made lots of Benni's (SP?) and lots of other crafts. I think it'd be fun to learn and a good way to help me deal with my anxiety.

Read Codependent No More, My counselor wants me to read the book cuz she thinks I may be codependent. and my dad wants me to do Anthony Robbins cuz he thinks that he'd help me over come or help me face my problems. IDK but I need to overcome the hardships in my life and if these are what people are recommending I do I'm gonna give it a shot.

$$$.$$ How to do that. I'm gonna call the plasma center and see if I'm allowed to donate/sell my plasma or if the medications I'm taking won't allow me to do so.

Control

How do you avoid sore joints? I workout and the next day it hurts to move cuz my joints are hurting when i run down the stairs. I don't want to stop working out... so if any one has any advice on how they ease their joint pain please share.











CONTROL
How do i gain more control? I feel as though I'm out of control with my food and my portions. I feel like I keep binging and that's all i think about. I'm wondering if it's how I'm coping with my feelings instead of cutting and numbing myself I'm thinking I'm consuming to feel better altho I feel worse for eating so horribly.
Any suggestions?

$MONEY$

$$$.$$
$,$$$,$$$.$$ that would be nice to have that much money.
I owe my dad money cuz of some of the things I've done cuz of depression (long story Not gonna go into it, if you know me you know the details)
So I'm needing a job. I'm scared to go get a job... I'm scared it'll be too much stress and it'll cause me to have a mental break down, well that's why I'm in debt to my dad. UGH. it's frustrating.
I don't know how parents do the things they do. How do they provide shelter over our heads, medical insurance, cars, car insurance, food, water, heat, electricity, be there for us when we feel we can't go on much longer, still stay sane, provide for our extra activities like dancing or soccer, or whatever it is that you did ... Parents do so much for us. I don't understand how they do so much and not break down.
Maybe cuz they just have to be strong.
I dunno how i got from money to parents... but in a way I understand... I don't understand how parents make enough money to provide things they do. How am I to go into the world and survive when I don't understand... it all just seem so hard and I dunno how to overcome that and just go for it.
So how am i to get anywhere if i live in fear of the hardships??? UGH
I guess take it a step at a time... and accept their support and love that they give me.

useless post

My ipod is going out... I'm sad that it is cuz I love it dearly, but I am thankful for the nice wonderful years it's given me.
I love the way you lie...
why would you love the way someone lies? Don't make sense to me...
This is kind of a useless blog tonight... just feel like typing...
This pic was taken about 5 years ago.

I'm burning you out of my life

"when you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place" Unknown

This is one quote i need to work on remembering when things get tough. Remember how strong I really am and not let the pain overcome me.

So I've stopped communicating with a so called friend last month this "friend" was not good for me... is not good for me. I care for this friend, and a part of me feels I am nothing without this "friends" approval. So i wrote a little something just to vent...

I don't understand it but it feels as though there is a hole inside of me.
A hole that once was filled with lies, lies i wanted to believe.
That you really cared for me like friends care for each other.
That I really am attractive. Now everything that i once hoped is now shattered.

So I'm working on forgetting about this so called friend, burning this person out of my life for good.