Wintergirls

If your a wintergirl (not winter-girl) you are a person that is not fully dead, but not fully alive either. You are stuck between the worlds. The realm of the dead, and the living....

a summery of the book...

“Dead girl walking,” the boys say in the halls.
“Tell us your secret,” the girls whisper, one toilet to another.
I am that girl.
I am the space between my thighs, daylight shining through.
I am the bones they want, wired on a porcelain frame.

Lia and Cassie are best friends, wintergirls frozen in matchstick bodies, competitors in a deadly contest to see who can be the skinniest. But what comes after size zero and size double-zero? When Cassie succumbs to the demons within, Lia feels she is being haunted by her friend’s restless spirit.

In her most emotionally wrenching, lyrically written book since the multiple-award-winning Speak, Laurie Halse Anderson explores Lia’s descent into the powerful vortex of anorexia, and her painful path toward recovery.

The Little Rascals

Dear Darla, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes! Love, Alfalfa.

So there is this person i know... this person has not been very kind to me, yet I let him control me/my feelings (so my counselors say) well I noticed this person is back in town and i swear to you I'm having so much anxiety that i literally feel like vomiting. my anxiety is so bad. But just thinking of how bad my anxiety is made me think of the not Alfalfa writes to Darla in The Little Rascals.

I can also dedicate the song I hate everything about you... Why do I, Love you? I care for this person so much, but at the same time I hate this person so much. well not hate the person but hate what the person has done to me. How the person causes me to have anxiety.

I need to learn to not let this person "control" me. baby steps is what i want to do.... but i need to just cut it off all at once. and say "I'M DONE!"
if only it were that easy

update sat - today/monday

I dunno what to write... but i need to post something
On Saturday i walked in the room to find my dad and his sister fighting. I could see the tension and how they have a strained relationship. It hit me then if i don't change things with my sister now in 30 years my sister and I will be where my dad and my aunt are today. Having that realization i got really depressed and got bad anxiety.
On top of that i felt huge that day and every time i turned around food was being shoved in my face. (I think this is more the reason for my anxiety that day) We went to El Matador and i felt as though i was getting no air in me... i couldn't breath. I took two anxiety pills... finished my dinner and just felt down. ugh...
Sunday I dunno if i really was sick or if my anxiety had gotten so bad that it had made me sick. I was vomiting, vomiting, vomiting. not fun at all
Today Monday... went and helped clan my grandpa's house My word pack rats (my aunt lives with him and it's totally pigsty) I dunno how anyone could live in such a mess my anxiety kicks in at the house and all i want to do is clean clean clean clean until it's all clean.

Zumba

I went to my very first Zumba class today. Went with my mom. It was a lot of fun. my left leg did get sore and my foot that i broke back in high school got sore too. =( those are the only down side... so my goal is to lose about 30lbs before i go back in hopes that it'll be easier on my body, cuz it's got impounding moves. all in all I really enjoyed the class... if you're interested in trying Zumba give it a shot. it's worth the time and energy. =)

I'm still here... alive

So i figured i should let yall know i'm still here, alive... doing better than i was but still not as good as i wish i could be doing. So in our main bathroom there's a scripture:
Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee
and in the downstairs bathroom there's a saying:
When i look in the mirror -
what do i see?
a treasure an original
cause there's only one me!
I am aware that i am less
Than some people prefer me to be
But most people are unaware that
I am much more than what they see.

Just thought i'd share these two thoughts for the day.

Airplanes - AND THE DEEPER MEANING IT HAS TO ME!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8QH71YQnm0

Airplanes
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

Yeah
I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
Cause after all the partyin’ and smashin’ and crashin’
And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you’re staring at that phone in your lap
And you hoping but them people never call you back
But that’s just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel
And they sayin’ what would you wish for
If you had one chance
So airplane airplane sorry I’m late
I’m on my way so don’t close that gate
If I don’t make that then I’ll switch my flight
And I’ll be right back at it by the end of the night

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

Somebody take me back to the days
Before this was a job, before I got paid
Before it ever mattered what I had in my bank
Yeah back when I was tryin’ to get a tip at subway
lyrics courtesy of www.killerhiphop.com
And back when I was rappin’ for the hell of it
But now a days we rappin’ to stay relevant
I’m guessin that if we can make some wishes outta airplanes
Then maybe yo maybe I’ll go back to the days
Before the politics that we call the rap game
And back when ain’t nobody listened to my mix tape
And back before I tried to cover up my slang
But this is for Decatur, what’s up Bobby Ray
So can I get a wish to end the politics
And get back to the music that started this sh-t
So here I stand and then again I say
I’m hopin’ we can make some wishes outta airplanes

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why I really like this song

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars (*I LOVE LOVE LOVE STARS, AND SHOOTING STARS*)
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)(*I COULD USE A WISH... WISH TO TAKE THINGS BACK... A WISH IN WHICH IS SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE MY DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY LESS OF A BURDEN ON ME*)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah
I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this (*GO BACK IN TIME WHEN I WAS NOT AS CORRUPTED AS I AM NOW... BUT HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE I HAVE TO AVOID THE PLACE I AM TODAY*)
Cause after all the partyin’ and smashin’ and crashin’
And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you’re staring at that phone in your lap
And you hoping but them people never call you back (*ALL THAT STUFF IS OF EVIL AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T REALIZE IT UNTIL YOU'RE ALREADY CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL... I DON'T WANT HIM TO CALL ME... I WANT HIM OUT OF MY LIFE... THUS I'M CHANGING MY NUMBER THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO BE STRONG*)
But that’s just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel
And they sayin’ what would you wish for
If you had one chance
So airplane airplane sorry I’m late
I’m on my way so don’t close that gate
If I don’t make that then I’ll switch my flight
And I’ll be right back at it by the end of the night

----------------------------------------------------------

Somebody take me back to the days
Before this was a job, before I got paid
Before it ever mattered what I had in my bank
Yeah back when I was tryin’ to get a tip at subway
And back when I was rappin’ for the hell of it
But now a days we rappin’ to stay relevant
I’m guessin that if we can make some wishes outta airplanes
Then maybe yo maybe I’ll go back to the days
Before the politics that we call the rap game
And back when ain’t nobody listened to my mix tape
And back before I tried to cover up my slang
But this is for Decatur, what’s up Bobby Ray
So can I get a wish to end the politics
And get back to the music that started this sh-t
So here I stand and then again I say
I’m hopin’ we can make some wishes outta airplanes

(THIS PARAGRAPH DON'T REALLY DO WITH WHAT GOES ON WITH ME... I'M NOT MAKING A LIVING OUT OF THE MISTAKES I'VE MADE BUT THE MISTAKES I'VE MADE DOES CAUSE ME PAIN AND ANXIETY AND FEAR... I WANNA GO BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL SO I GUESS IN A WAY IT DOES CUZ I LET MY FEAR OF NOT LIVING UP TO OTHERS EXPECTATION GET TO ME.)

BUT THIS IS HOW I RELATE TO THIS SONG.

Bout Anxiety and the things i feel....

If worries and fears are preventing you from living your life the way you'd like to, you may be suffering from an anxiety disorder. The good news is, there are many anxiety treatments and self-help strategies that can help you reduce your anxiety symptoms and take back control of your life.

It’s normal to worry and feel tense or scared when under pressure or facing a stressful situation. Anxiety is the body’s natural response to danger, an automatic alarm that goes off when we feel threatened.

Although it may be unpleasant, anxiety isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, anxiety can help us stay alert and focused, spur us to action, and motivate us to solve problems. But when anxiety is constant or overwhelming, when it interferes with your relationships and activities—that’s when you’ve crossed the line from normal anxiety into the territory of anxiety disorders.

Physical symptoms of anxiety

Anxiety is more than just a feeling. As a product of the body’s fight-or-flight response, anxiety involves a wide range of physical symptoms. Because of the numerous physical symptoms, anxiety sufferers often mistake their disorder for a medical illness. They may visit many doctors and make numerous trips to the hospital before their anxiety disorder is discovered.

Common physical symptoms of anxiety include:

Pounding heart Sweating Stomach upset or dizziness Frequent urination or diarrhea Shortness of breath

Tremors and twitches Muscle tension Headaches Fatigue Insomnia

Symptoms of an anxiety attack include:

Surge of overwhelming panic Feeling of losing control or going crazy Heart palpitations or chest pain Feeling like you’re going to pass out Trouble breathing or choking sensation

Hyperventilation Hot flashes or chills Trembling or shaking Nausea or stomach cramps Feeling detached or unreal

Emotional symptoms of anxiety

In addition to the primary symptoms of irrational and excessive fear and worry, other common emotional symptoms of anxiety include:

Feelings of apprehension or dread Trouble concentrating Feeling tense and jumpy Anticipating the worst

Irritability Restlessness Watching for signs of danger Feeling like your mind’s gone blank

Why do I SELF HARM?????

Self-injury (self-harm, self-mutilation) can be defined as the attempt to deliberately cause harm to one's own body and the injury is usually severe enough to cause tissue damage. This is not a conscious attempt at suicide, though some people may see it that way.

There are three types of self-injury. The rarest and most extreme form is Major self-mutilation. This form usually results in permanent disfigurement, i.e. castration or limb amputation. Another form is Stereo typic self-mutilation which usually consists of head banging, eyeball pressing and biting. The third and most common form is Superficial self-mutilation which usually involves cutting, burning, hair-pulling, bone breaking, hitting, interference with wound healing and basically any method used to harm oneself.

Most people who self-injure tend to be perfectionists, are unable to handle intense feelings, are unable to express their emotions verbally, have dislike for themselves and their bodies, and can experience severe mood swings. They may turn to self-injury as a way to express their feelings and emotions, or as a way to punish themselves.

Self-injury can help someone relieve intense feelings such as anger, sadness, loneliness, shame, guilt and emotional pain. Many people who cut themselves, do this in an attempt to try and release all the emotions they are feeling internally. Others may feel so numb, that seeing their own blood when they cut themselves, helps them to feel alive because they usually feel so dead inside. Some people find that dealing with physical pain is easier than dealing with emotional pain. Self-injury is also used as a way to punish oneself. If they were abused, they may feel ashamed, guilty and blame themselves for the abuse, which in turn causes them to feel the need to punish themselves by inflicting pain to their bodies. Some people have such hatred for themselves and their bodies that they will carve demeaning names on their bodies as a way to remind themselves of how terrible they are. Whatever form of self-injury is used, the person is usually left with a peaceful and calm feeling afterward. Since those feelings are only temporary, the person will probably continue to self-injure until they deal with the underlying issues and finds healthier ways to cope.

• When the level of emotional pressure becomes too high it acts as a safety valve - a way of relieving the tension;
• Cutting makes the blood take away the bad feelings;
• Pain can make you feel more alive when feeling numb or dead inside;
• When it's too difficult to talk to anyone, it's a form of communication about unhappiness and a way of acknowledging the need for help;
• Self-harm gives a sense of control that's missing elsewhere in life.

Healthy ways to cope with things that I found....

• deep breathing
• relaxation techniques
• call a friend, your therapist or a crisis line
• try not be be alone (visit a friend, go shopping, etc.)
• take a hot bath
• listen to music
• go for a walk
• write in a journal
• wear an elastic around wrist and snap it when you have the urge to harm yourself
• some people find it helpful to draw red lines on themselves with washable markers instead of cutting themselves
• hold ice cubes in your hands - the cold causes pain in your hands, but it is not dangerous or harmful (some people find it relieves the urge to harm themselves for that moment)
• punching a bed or a pillow (when nothing but a physical outlet for your anger and frustration will work).
• scratch draw a picture on a thick piece of wood or use a screw driver and stab at the piece of wood. (can be another physical way to release your emotions without harming yourself.)
• avoid temptation (i.e. avoiding the area in CVS where the razor blades are kept, etc.)
• try to find your own creative ways as outlets for emotions.
• learn to confront others/making your own feelings known instead of keeping them inside
• go outside and scream and yell
• take up a sport (a form of exercise can help you release tension, etc.)
• work with paint, clay, play-doo, etc. (the person who suggested this mentioned that they would make a big sculpture and do whatever they wanted to it. They said it was helpful to calm the urge to self-injure, plus it gave them some idea of what might be underlying the pain.
• draw a picture of what or who is making you angry
• instead of harming yourself, try massaging the area you want to harm with massage oils or creams, reminding yourself that you are special and you deserve to treat yourself and your body with love and respect
• go to church or your place of worship
• wear a pipe cleaner or something that will fit on the places that you injure. One person did this as a way to remind herself that she could call someone instead of hurting herself and that she had other ways to cope.
• break the object that you use to self-injure as a way to show that you have control over it.
• write a letter to the person(s) that have hurt you and express how they made you feel. Theses letters do not have to be in perfect form and you do not have to please anyone but yourself. You do not have to give these letters to the people, but it is a great way to release the feelings that you are carrying within. After you write the letters, you can decide then what to do with them. Some people find destroying the letters help (i.e. tear them up, throw them in a lake, etc.)
• do some household chores (i.e. cleaning)
• do some cooking
• try some sewing, crossstitch, etc.
• recite a poem, prayer or anything else familiar the comforts you multiple times
• write down all your positive points and why you do not deserve to be hurt
• write in your journal why you want to hurt yourself and if you have hurt yourself, write down what caused it to happen so in the future you can prevent it from happenings - or find out what your triggers were
• Play some kind of musical instrument. Even if you don't really know how to play, picking out tunes is a way to concentrate and help get rid of the urge to harm yourself.
• yoga
• allow yourself to cry. Getting the tears out can make you feel better. It allows the inside to release, as opposed to self abuse. Picture your "ickies" pouring out as you cry.
• Take a shower
• write down a word best associated with what you are feeling (i.e. horrible, sad, lonely, angry) and continue to write it down, over and over. Sometimes when you do that, the words looks silly etc., and it puts humor or a smile in your life.
• sing a song on what you are feeling. It's another way to get it outside. Shout if you are made, etc. Let the words just come to you.
• Scribble on paper. Clutch the pen in your fist. It's a way to diffuse it on to paper. (Get a few sheets so they don't tear.)
• Take item you are self injurying with and use it against something else. For example, if you are using a razor blade, rip it across a towel. Sometimes seeing what "can" be done to an object can make a person think twice about using it on themselves. Can also give the feeling of "doing it"...the tangible aspect.
• Make a list of reasons why you are going to stop cutting. Every time you get the urge, read the list to remind yourself why you shouldn't. Also remember to put on that list that you do not deserve to hurt yourself. You are important and special and you do not deserve to be hurt.

It is very difficult for people to admit to someone that they harm themselves because there is usually so much shame and guilt that goes along with it. It's important to try and remind yourself that there is no shame in what you are doing and that it's okay to reach out and ask for help. In order to help yourself overcome this, you need to want to stop the behavior and you need to find a therapist that you like and trust to help you deal with the underlying issues causing you to do this to yourself. Sometimes treatment may also involve the use of medications such as Xanax and Klonopin. Hypnosis and relaxation techniques can also be helpful, and in extreme cases, hospitalization might be required for a short period of time. If there are support groups in your area, you may want to think about joining them for extra support.

Many people who self-injure keep it a secret because they feel like they are crazy, insane and evil. They fear if they tell anyone, they might be locked away forever. The truth is, people who intentionally harm themselves are in fact very normal and sane people, who are in a lot of emotional pain. They self-injure as a way to cope, because they were probably never taught how to deal with intense feelings and emotions in healthy ways. Unfortunately, when people hear about this form of self-harm, they do tend to place labels on these people as being psychotic and crazy, which is why so many people do not come forward and ask for help. Until society dispels all the myths surrounding self-injury and start to educate themselves on this subject, sufferers will continue to keep quiet and this form of abuse will continue to be a secret for a long time to come

Dear Razor

I see you in my hand,
I think of a design
I feel the razor,
the blood,
and the design i see.

I feel a release of emotions
for a brief moment of time
then the urges come back.

I need to learn positive ways to cope
healthy ways to get by...
I think in a way it's me crying out telling others that i'm hurting.
I dunno why i do what i do.

I FEEL A BREAKDOWN COMING ON...

AND I DON'T SEE MY PARENTS DOING A THING ABOUT IT. MEDICATION AND THAT'S IT. WELL THEY CAN'T STOP ME FROM TAKING BENADRYL THAT'S OTC IF THEY TOOK THAT AWAY I COULD DRIVE OR EVEN WALK TO THE STORE DEPENDING ON HOW DESPERATE I AM. MY MOM TOOK MY CLONZEPAM TO HER ROOM... I COULD EASILY TAKE IT BACK. I BROKE DOWN AND CRIED FOR 30MINZ AT LEAST.
I SHOWED MY DAD MY CUTS LAST NIGHT AND WHAT DID HE DO? NOT A DAMN THING... HE POINTED TO A CUT,SCAR AND ASKED HOW I DID IT. I TOLD HIM "RAZOR" WHY SHOULD I KEEP FIGHTING IF MY PARENTS ARE GONNA SIT AROUND AND NOT DO SHIT???? I AM TIRED AND I'M OVERWHELMED (WITH WHAT? LIFE, WEIGHT, FOOD, TRYING TO BE THE BEST I CAN BE) WELL I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE. I JUST GOTTA KEEP FIGHTING TILL MONDAY AFTER MONDAY IF I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE I'M SAYING GOOD BYE TO EVERYONE.