“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily".

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily". – Zig Ziglar

Each and every morning this week I want you to pull out your journal and write what something you are excited about that day or something you are going to accomplish that day. Anything that motivates you, daily.

My Butt Challenge that I'm doing

I have a goal to firm and tighten my booty.  I'm going to start out doing all of these, and figure out which ones I think work best as the 30 days progress. 

Feel free to join me on this. 

Utah Suicide Prevention Coalition - Everyone Plays a Role - What Can You Do?

Utah Suicide Prevention Coalition - Everyone Plays a Role - What Can You Do?

messed up feelings

Why is it that guys can have sex and not develop feelings  of like being "in love" but when girls have sex we tend to fall "in love".  It's not right, and its not fair and it totally screws up with your emotions. 

Lately I've been getting jealous of my friend and his friendship with another person. I start feeling like I'm not wanted when I find out that they got to hang out and I wasn't invited.  I wish I could stop these feelings from showing up in me. Its with this friend of his only that it bothers me. 

I just want to check out and forget about life if these feelings won't leave me alone. 

Its been a while

Went through hell at the end of last year.
I got pulled over for drinking and driving, but when I blew into the breathalyzer I was under the legal limit.
I got pregnant, freaked out emotionally. I would silently scream at the thing growing inside me telling it to go away, that it wasn't wanted, that neither the dad and I wanted it, so to get out of me.
I was also raped... that was no fun and it was horrible.
I had a miscarriage. I blame myself for the miscarriage because I feel if I would have been more accepting it would not have died. but oh well.  Life goes on.

This year has been alright.
I'm drinking a lot more...
so now my friend keeps my alcohol at his place so he can keep an eye on my drinking.
I'm not a fan of my APRN (Med Nurse/Dr.) because I don't feel like she truly listens... but I'm also scared of change.

Disney

What’s Mickey without Minnie
What’s   Tigger   without  Pooh
Whats Donald   without  Daisy
that’s me without you
&
When    Elmo    isn’t    ticklish,
and  Pooh  Bear  hates  honey,
When  Tigger  stops bouncing,
and      Goofy      isn’t      funny.

When   Peter   Pan   can’t   fly,
and     Simba     never     roars,
When  Alice  in   Wonderland
can’t fit through small doors.

When  Dumbo’s  ears  are  small,
and Happily Ever After isn’t true
That’s  when  I’ll  stop  loving you.

Have you heard of tiny Melinda Mae

Have you heard of tiny Melinda Mae,
Who ate a monstrous whale?
She thought she could,
She said she would,
So she started in right at the tail.
And everyone said,”You’re much too small,”
But that didn’t bother Melinda at all,
She took little bites and she chewed very slow,
Just like a good girl should…
…and in eighty-nine years she ate that whale
Because she said she would!

Freaking out inside, screaming

I'm freaking out inside, screaming, wanting someone to  understand. 

I don't feel worthy to share my struggle or my feelings.

My birthday is coming up January 1st. I'll be 29 and what do I have to show for it?  

NOTHING. 

No college degree. Never been on a date, never been kissed.

I've been used, manipulated, and treated like crap. 

I've struggled with depression, cutting, binging, and hating myself. 

I'm scared. and each day closer to My birthday the more down and terrified I get.

Hospitalizations of 2013

- July 19 I went into the hospital because I had planned out a suicide plan. while I was there we got to paint ceramics, and it is something now that I'd like to do more often. It is nice being creative. The doctor that was treating me gave me a new diagnosis of Bipolar.  I got taken off my antidepressants and put on Lithium and seroquel, I stayed on Limictal and my klonopin went up from .5 to 1mg and I stayed on the Clonodine.  I was discharged on July 31 from the hospital. When I got out of the hospital i was an emotional mess. Yelling at everyone snapping at people, crying over everything and nothing all at the same time. I was miserable. No one was happy being around me because I made their life a living hell.  
- August 28- September 4th  I was hospitalized again, I was having suicidal thoughts and I was a mess from the lithium. The night I was admitted I immediately taken off the lithium. I now take .5mg of Klonopin, 200mg of limictal (half in morning half at night), .1mg of colonidne (twice a day), Seroquel at 100mg and I'm on a new medication called viibryd at 20mg.  I started to feel better but recently I really want to cut and numb out with my pills. I really hate feeling so miserable I don't want to cry. I want to be happy.  I guess I'll just take it one day at a time.  it feels like my blood in my arms are on fire, in my veins. I dunno what to do. 

If you have had or have an Eating Disorder Please Help.

I have always wanted to write an article or paper of some kind to bring awareness about eating disorders, the eating disorders not just the two common ones people think of when they hear eating disorder. 
 
My points I would like to focus on are:
 
1. When & how did you get the disorder, what were the environmental triggers that brought on the eating disorder behaviors. 
2. Do you want to recover? If there is something that scares you about recovery what is it? 3. Have you ever been in recovery? 
4. What is and has been the hardest thing about having an eating disorder? 
5. What is or has been the hardest part of recovery? 
6. if there were/was/is something about eating disorders that you would want the public to be more aware about what would it be. 
7. If you could think of a way to make treatment for eating disorders more affordable, what would it be, in your opinion ?

These are my answers to the questions. 
1. From the time I can remember I have always obsessed over food. If my cousin was not going to finish her frosting off her cake I would eat it for her. I was never fat but I was never fit... I was somewhere in the in between until I hit high school. In high school my friends got on the cheer squad. They developed friendships I started to eat more. My mom noticed and would tell me to watch what I was eating so I could be more aware. My mom wanted me to be healthy but I would take what she said as an insult. It was not until I got off to college I would binge on food then not eat for a day. I got depressed and locked myself in my room. Then after college I had a friend who exploited our friendship. He touched me and stuff... I really turned to food after that.
2. I hate this binging its out of control, it controls me. I will go on a liquid fast and do good.... So I know I have control when I am fasting. Truth is I am scared to stop binging because I am scared of failure. As much as I hate myself and the way I look I find the fear more intense.
3. Never been in recovery.
4. Hating my appearance, being out of shape, feeling out of control, fear of what others think.
5. 
6. Eating Disorders come in all shapes and sizes.
7. Eating disorders tend to define who we are. So I would want every patient in treatment to find their talent (crochet, knit, paint, sing, dance or show off flexibility, share a poem or a short story, put on a little skit) and once every 6 months or so have an auction/talent show and a dinner the treatment center puts on for the public for a cost of like 10 dollars a ticket and the benefit can help the community to become more aware and the treatment center will use the money to help fund that treatment center.